Demons

[Abcd]

It’s been (removed by moderator) years since I got out. Story is long and I’m sure many of us here went thru same or similar so I’ll try to cut it short
I was with him (removed by moderator) long years. He lived in a different country when we met so first (removed by moderator) we were long distant, I was (removed by moderator) when we met he was year older. This part was cool. Then he moved in to my country and straight away with me. As I had angry over controlling father I just wanted to get out of the house soon as I could.
First years with my ex was ok, he was treating not that bad ( or i didn care)t was terrible to my friends and family so many times i had to cover for him and defend him. Most ppl turned their back. But problems started in year (removed by moderator) , he hooked me up on drugs. I didn’t see a danger at first.we started having sex on it, was great at the beging but then it turned bad. He was molested as a child and he picked up abusive behaviour towards me. Cut long story short almost every (removed by moderator) he would bring home drugs we would maybe even have a fight about it but as I had nowhere to go (we were leaving in a different country) and I was addicted I’d give up. Then he would force me to have sex, not phisicaly but psychologicly, he would make me feel guilty (he loves me he needs he trusts me how I can be such a b..). If soft manipulation didnt help he would get agresive and nasty. He made me to do a certain things I hated. Mostly because he would switch of and drift a way. I felt like a dildo. I was fighting back (on sober) one time I threaten to leave (he got a panic attack) I also had nowhere to go and nobody to talk to.after that he stopped having sex with me , instead he would switch on transvestite porn. Wouldn even listen to me. I felt invisible like I didn’t existed. As I cheated on him few years before I felt guilty and even more submissive. That lasted a year and a half, in the day life I felt like I was in a mud felt lost felt like a zombie.
But I did got out , lucky I found one friend I went to after the most terrible 24 h fight. Which started with him calling me a b. And me kicking him as if I wanted to kill him….this is just tip of the ice berg
It’s (removed by moderator) years now. I’m single ever since. I went thru nervous and physical break down. But I survived and built myself a new.I have great job, amazing friends more then not I’m strong and happy . Thanks to few therapist my family But mostly myself and the promise I made to myself: I will make my life good. I struggle to like myself but I care and I’m doing everything to get better. Martial arts helped the most 🙂
But I still struggle with my demons. I’ve been single ever since . I tried to date usually some broken addicts with exemption of one guy (removed by moderator) years ago who broke my heart.after that I don’t last longer than 2 dates. I’m anxious although I can spot a bad guy straight away. I know I will not fall for a psycho. I learned how to read the signs. But… I don’t meet the nice ones or I scare them off. I’m attractive so I get loads of attention usually the bad one. Usually when I’m out and drunk and it finishes in one night stand that leaves me empty and hating myself. That’s my demon. I’m so autodestructive , usually connected with alcohol then I’m unable to say no. It’s getting better , I drink less and less I souround myself with healthy people but I am losing hope I’ll find a good guy. I don’t know how to flirt it makes me stress. Despite things get in better and me fully trasting my instincts I can’t allow myself to be fragile to be trusting. I hope one day it wil l get better. I achieved so much already but there is a part of me that’s sick . The more one night stands I do the less love worthy I feel. I’m afraid to connect having my codepedence issues. Still direction is up, one day I’ll find a way, I need to, I want to have A good life

[SaharaD]

Hi Abcd and welcome to the forum

I have to work through my demons also. My demons I refer to as my vulnerabilities.

I have borderline personality disorder so I need to work on that and stick to a type of therapeutic thinking and lifestyle.

My father was/is an alcoholic. So I know I have addictive tendencies to I work on that to and monitor my spending, eating, and alcohol intake.

My emotional difficulties stemming from the BPD and emotional neglect as a child, mean that I struggle with all of my relationships romantic and platonic and familial and colleagues. I have started going to a few groups for Sex and Love Addicts to learn how to cope with my emotions and behave appropriately in relationships and still make a connect and have intimacy.

My only advice is to take things slow. You can have an enjoyable time with someone without sex or being deeply in love with someone. It also sounds like you are struggling with your self esteem. I date different men to try to re-learn how to be intimate and a simple connection and not to obsess on one man.

[Confused123]

Hi hun
#
well done for getting out first, i was in a really toxic relationship with a guy i married (detail removed by moderator), he totally broke me mentally, emotionally, physically. i have been single (detail removed by moderator)and taken this time to just rediscover myself, i alwayss recommended counselling to everyone, we dont rezalie how much they impacted us, recovery is slow , maybe u r experiiiencing delayed reactions, u have done so well so far , for me having self reespect again for myself was hard, but it does come bk, i get u when u say just the bad guys are attracted to u , i seem to do same, hence just say no to guys as maybe dont still trust myself enough or scared of been hurt, i think we have to really look deep into ourselves to recover and deep in to the abuse we experienced

[Ayanna]

Hi ABCD, why do you need another guy?

Your life will be good when you make all the decisions without the interference of others.

Instead of meeting useless guys do not meet any.

The right one will come along when the time is right.
Focus on yourself and heal first.

[Abcd]

Girls thank you for reply. I know I’m not allowed to put time there but I’ve been on my own for many years. And I have build my world strong and comfortable. I have healthy friendships, hobbies and carriere. I’ve been writing diaries seeing therapists. And I’m really pround of what I achieved. I know and I like to be on my own, it’s not that I need a guy. It’s not, but I would like it. I look at the couples I know and I see one can be happy in a relationship.
I’m just afraid that I’m for ever damaged in that sense. I don’t control this part of my life as much as I’d like to.
First of all I’m afraid I’m damaged, I don’t know if I’m borderline , some parts fit other don’t. Doeasnt metter the definition tho.
I was fighting back when I was with him I was vicious also phisicaly I’m afraid I’ll be like that again, I’m afraid a lot of things gonna pop out when I’m with somebody. I struggle to forgive myself that part.
I know my ex become a monster because of the child abuse he went thru. What if I’ll become monster myself?
I dream sometimes about him. Is usually same pattern. We are togheter things are good but I have this checking feeling that I am trapped.
And the things I’ve done since I got out make me shamefull. I do it less and less, only 4 times in 2016, but one is recent and make me sick when I think about it. I think and its because I’m so afraid to get trapped but at the same time I need closeness(including phisical) that the one night stands seem like a safe solution.
But I’m taking it easy on myselftoday. I more and more understand that I’m only human who went thru a lot. I can’t compare myself to people who never experienced trauma.
I’ve noticed a while back, that u cannot delete your past, cannot undo it. But u can accept and thame it. It also gives u incredible knowledge, I’m actually thinking to get involved with helping people. Looking for some support centres now.
And I’m trying to be live I’ll thame my demons too. I went too long way to give up now.

[Author]

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