9th September 2019 at 11:47 pm #87730IdkhowtohealyetParticipant
So I left a physically, emotionally, and financially abusive relationship pretty recently. A while ago I went back to him after getting a restraining order, and then I left again. I’m filled with shame for being in the relationship to begin with but now I feel even more shame. I told a few people in my life about the abuse which was a really powerful feeling but I feel like I can’t tell anyone about my recent slip up except my therapist. Who totally judged me. But I’m judging myself. I’m so depressed. I feel so alone. I feel like he has taken something from me. I feel angry, sad, lonely… I feel so alone. I feel trapped because I need to be social and make new friends but the last thing I want to do is be around people. I hate myself. I hate him. I’m so uninterested in people, or myself. I just don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to have to deal with all the work to feel okay again. Everything feels like so much work. And then I’m going through all the regular break up feelings which are so confusing because of the abuse and trauma that I just escaped from.
11th September 2019 at 8:44 pm #87871LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. Sorry to hear about what you have been through recently. You have nothing to be ashamed of, lots of women go back to the perpetrator, sometimes many times before leaving for good. It sounds like you are being hard on yourself, but you have been really brave and achieved so much already.
You don’t have to rush into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Instead, you could focus on self care and being kind to yourself. When you are ready, you could look into the Freedom Program which is a good way to meet new friends or you can always look at doing it online instead. If you are feeling low it might be worth you speaking to your GP for some advice.
Take care and please keep posting to let us know you are doing,
11th September 2019 at 10:13 pm #87877EscapeeParticipant
If it helps to know, I’m right there where you are. I’m lost, and scared, and lonely.
For the last few days all I have been able to do is get up and then crash on the sofa with a hot water bottle for comfort. But reading the posts on here help – they prove that it does get easier, I guess we just need to be patient and give ourselves the ok to feel awful, to just wrap ourselves up in a warm blanket and try to be kind to ourselves.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling cr***y too but we have to believe it will get better.
Sending you love and hugs xx
12th September 2019 at 9:14 am #87885colouringinfairyParticipant
Gosh that was so like reading my own thoughts written by someone else. DO NOT EVER feel ashamed for anything you do – leaving, going back – I went back to my abuser, at times even actively seeking him out for reconciliation, multiple times. You cannot help it when you love someone, you always want to see and believe the best in them. That is a slight on them, not us. It’s so conflicting and confusing when we break up with an abuser, as we have to deal with trauma and, like you said, the regular heartbreak of a break up. It’s just not easy and there’s no simple solution other than time. Just give yourself lots and lots of time. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, treat yourself, put YOURSELF first for a change – not him. Keep reinforcing positive messages about yourself. When my ex and I broke up, I felt weak, worthless, helpless and ugly. Every time I looked in the mirror I felt shame and wanted my life to be over. But I kept telling myself the exact opposite. Now, after years of mental, emotional and physical abuse I can realise my own worth, and how strong I really am. You have worth, you are strong because you HAVE survived this – even if it feels like you haven’t – and you deserve to be happy. Keep telling yourself that. Please PM if you need someone to talk to x
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