Depressed

[Alone]

Since Christmas I have sunk into a depression, and never felt anything like it before. I just don’t want to go on, and even the fact that all my hard work is paying off at long last and I can see the changes happening around me isn’t helping. In fact, it makes me feel worse because I think the price of gaining more independence was too high. I still live with the abusers, but I now have my own room, my own space to escape to and a little more control over my comings and goings. But I was okay as I was, I was thriving outside of the home and I only pushed so hard for change because I wanted to hang on to the path my life was on, and I ended up losing everything I wanted to live for!

I would give it all back if it could make a difference. I was stupid to think I deserved good friends and a normal life :'(

🙁 x

[Winterblues2]

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. You do deserve to be free and to be happy. We are all here to listen…

Have you spoke to your go?

I’m at work so can only be brief for now but I’m sure the others will be along soon.

[Confused123]

hi hun

u not stupid we all want that, recovery is slow and challenging , hang in there and set small goals for yourself , keep posting on here, support on here gives u strength to stay positive , have u got a support worker that could help u

[Alone]

Hi and thanks for responding.

I don’t currently have a GP, I left the one I was with after they refused to believed I was being both abused at home and bullied at work and talked down to me. I haven’t registered for a new one. I know there is more than one GP in a surgery, and that they won’t all have the same view, but I can’t face going back there. I couldn’t get a support worker, I tried last year, I called the organisation that WA referred me to, but their information was incorrect and that wasn’t the correct organisation for my area. I got put through to various organisations and eventually got one that does work for my area, but they are a very small organisation with only two employees, so they don’t offer individual support workers, or outreach support. I cannot afford travel costs and they only help with specific queries, such as help with housing forms, or questions etc. It was seen that I cope with practical things well enough on my own, and that their time would be better used for others.

I honestly don’t feel like I will get through this, I don’t even know that I want to anymore. I’m looking around at the material things I have gained, and I want to scream because I don’t want them. I would have never fought for a ‘better’ life if I knew it would mean being discarded and cut off by every single person I ever cared about! I find myself sitting in my room wondering why I did this to myself. I can’t even contact anyone to ask how they are, or how something I knew they had coming up went, because I am totally cut off. It hurts like crazy. I put myself through all of this because I had such great people in my life and I wanted to fully escape abuse so I could continue on the path my life was on, but I ended up losing everything that gave my life meaning!

Sorry to be so moany, it’s just how I really feel :'(

xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi alone

Big hugs xx

I am pleased that there are some improvements in your life, like you at the moment I am un the same property as my abuser. I find it hard because though he doesn’t do anything directly to me he does other things which makes me question my sanity.

At the beginning of my marriage I told a doctor his family didn’t like me, he didn’t believe me and told me I couldn’t cope in the real world.

My doctors now are great and supportive but it took me along time to say anything. So do try again xx

Also your getting things in to perspective of what you been through and still going through. Don’t be to hard on yourself xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Alone

i hope in coming here and posting so bravely you won’t feel so alone, but feel the strength of support there is here for you.

You have also acted very bravely in getting out of the abuse, but i do wonder why these ‘great friends’ are gone? I am sorry i do not know your situation other than what you have written here but such great friends surely would be wondering where you were and trying to make contact to check you are ok? Its hard to be alone from good friends!

Dear Falling Skyes.. i was shocked at what that doctor said to you, although perhaps i shouldn’t be, not all doctors are great and i think it takes working at to find a decent one, it can be so hard to talk about and then they say something stupid like that!

take care

[Alone]

That’s exactly my GP’s attitude as well. It was the first time this particular person had met me, he judged me instantly. He wouldn’t believe that I pay rent to my family or that they would kick me out. He didn’t believe I couldn’t afford to eat. I had gone there for practical help, I needed a note for my employer or to be signed off so I could claim ESA and look for another job without the threat of homelessness and the bullying at work. He considered me to be someone who assumes the worst case scenario, he clearly didn’t believe a word I said. He told me to go on a forum for support. I needed practical help to make changes in my life, I wasn’t looking for emotional support! He refused everything I asked for. It was pay day and I had no money, so I became homeless that very evening. I won’t be going back there again, I don’t trust them, I desperately needed help at that point and I feel completely disregarded.

I believe my friends got to the point where they stopped believing I was tackling my problems. They kept increasing over the period of several months, it went from abuse at home to bullying and harassment at work, to a bereavement, demotion, drop in income, unable to afford to eat, to homelessness. I was thrown out of the CAB, doc was useless, so I think people stopped believing someone could have so much bad luck. Well I did. I didn’t lie about any of it, I’m not an attention seeker, and I have plenty of good qualities that get me attention if that was what I wanted. They know exactly where I am – I haven’t moved because I am not entitled to housing. I am working every moment I can to make savings, and looking for my next job move that would provide me with enough income to pay rent somewhere. I felt like I was in control of my own life for the first time ever, I felt all the problems were a thing of the past and that I had dealt with them. I was ready to step into my new life, and try all the things I was never allowed… but when I tried to get back in touch, everyone was ignoring me. I am in silence 99% of the time because I don’t have a single person in my life. The only time I speak is to answer the same old customer questions at work, and loneliness is driving me mad. I feel like I must be the worst human being in the world – first my family started hating me, then my employer, now I have no friends. I don’t want a lonely, empty life. I can’t stop thinking that I should have never tried to better my life, I lost everything that gave my life meaning, I just can’t find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Every occasion such as Christmas, NYE and now my upcoming birthday give me a little hope that someone will remember me, someone will wish me a happy whatever the occasion is, but then not a single person does, and my heart breaks into even more pieces.

Sorry to be so moany, I am really not in a good place today! I started to work on my new room today and just gave up. I’m sick of it and can’t be bothered anymore, the harder I work at things, the more I lose!

[Lisa]

Hi Alone,

I’m sorry to read that you are feeling so down today.It sounds as though the abuse you are going through has led you to be very isolated and it’s understandable that you are finding the loneliness so tough. Sadly many women who go through abuse find that they lose friends and have to form new friendships. It sounds like you have done a huge amount to try to improve your life so try to remind yourself of everything you have achieved in such difficult circumstances. With that in mind, perhaps there are some actions you could take in order to try to meet new people? I know it is easy for me to say and hard to do when feeling low, but there is always the capacity for things to change.

Have you ever attended the Freedom Programme? It can be a good way to meet others who truly understand the effects of domestic abuse. You can find out if there is a group near you here; http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I acknowledge why you are reluctant to go back to a GP as you had an inappropriate response last time which I am really sorry to hear about. However it should be possible for you to find a supportive and understanding GP who could help you manage your depression or refer you for counselling; so I do encourage you to go down that route again when you feel able. Alternatively there is an NHS service called Let’s Talk; the number is 0800 073 2200 or you can read about the service here; http://www.talk2gether.nhs.uk

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Lisa

[Alone]

Maybe I’m the abuser, doing something I don’t even realise I’m doing, and pushing people until they can’t cope anymore and hate me. I really believed that these people were my best friends for life! I changed my entire life because I wanted my problems gone so they didn’t have to worry… Even ‘acquaintances’ cut me off. I must be a monster!

[Confused123]

Hun it’s not u, please don’t think this way, I think life is just like that where people r busy in there own lives or have too much going on themselves, I found this website on line Meetup.com loads of people do activities for free and meet up in public places in group , maybe this is a good way to meet up with people ,I’ve got to look into in more details but it sounds like a good way to get into new hobbies and meet people, give it try …

[Alone]

Thanks.

It’s not that they are busy, that happens sometimes but then people eventually reconnect, and have a nice catch up. I have actually been cut off, ignored, as if I have done something wrong and I haven’t. I considered my friends every single step of the way, and in the end I started hiding what was going on because I decided I was going to deal with it all alone and only tell them once done.

I have spent my life used and abused by friends and family, then at work too. This was the first time I had genuine people in my life who didn’t want anything from me but for me to achieve what they believed I could. It was clear they cared about me, but to have people who cared so much actually cut me off as if I am a monster is more than I can handle. I’ve had a couple of offers of coffee in the past few months, but I can’t bring myself to go. My heart screams no, I feel fear and anxiety, I just can’t put myself in that position again. People meet me, love me, get to know me then hate me. I believed it was because I had to hide so much because of the abuse, such as why I couldn’t do certain things, or why I would suddenly need to leave after receiving a text and it made people think I was weird. This was the first time I was fully honest with anyone, and I wanted so badly to end the abuse so that I wouldn’t lose these people. So I pushed myself further and faster than ever before, and I lost everything anyway. I now think it’s just me. That everything is my fault and I will never be able to have people in my life.

I’m sorry that I’m so down, you’ll all soon be sick of me and start ignoring me if I keep this up! So I won’t post for a while.

xx

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Imm still at work but was on quick break will reply again tonight, nobody on here is fed up of u, we r all here to support each anther post as much as u need to, we just having problems logging in

[Moon]

Hi Alone
You are definitely not alone- this site offers amazing support and people are just so kind and understand and are non judgemental.

Tonight I’m going to write a list of what I need to sort out in my life and also some pros and cons of difficult decisions that I need to make.

Have you tried to write things down?
Have you tried a counsellor?
There will defo be the right person out there to offer you the support you deserve. I’m just sorry it has all been so difficult.

Hang in there and big hug coming your way xx

[Author]

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