Depression and anxiety is back

[littledove]

Over the past week or so I’ve had symptoms of chest pain, severe fatigue in that I don’t want to leave my bed in the morning and want to lie around or go back to bed. No motivation. Excessive sweating. Night sweats. Achy muscles. Back pain. Shortness of breath. Heart palpitations, racing heartbeat. Irritable. Diarrhoea and my IBS is back. Headaches/migraines too.
I’ve been in hospital twice because I thought I was having a heart attack. I can’t remember the last time I was this bad.

I’m getting bloods taken on (detail removed by Moderator) to rule out Anemia or an underactive thyroid.
But the doctors at the hospital think that if my bloods come back normal, then it’s linked to stress and mental health.

The doctor at the hospital gave me away loads of leaflets on free counselling services, and has recommended I go to my GP to get referred to a therapist AGAIN (this will be the 3rd time).
I’m back on my beta blockers to slow my heart rate.
And the hospital referred me to domestic abuse support worker.

I’ve never been on antidepressants before because I’ve tried to avoid them as much as possible and have wanted to go down every other avenue before coming to that.
But I’m really not sure if I need to go on them now. And I’m scared to take them.

I feel so low and can’t pick mood up and feel teary and anxious 24/7. And just generally completely and utterly fed up.

I’ve to take stress leave from work through a doctors line.
I’m hoping in this time I will focus on self care and to relax. I want to get back into my meditation and affirmations and walks and journaling.
It’s just hard to juggle it all and put myself first at times when I have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old to put first.

The feelings of feeling like I’m failing as a parent aren’t helping either.

[Eggshells]

I’m not sure that I understand why you think you’re letting your (detail removed by Moderator) year old down.

You’ve had a rough trot and all the stress was around protecting your child.

I’m sure that the Doctors know what they are doing but when you listed your symptoms, I did wonder if anyone had done a test for Covid antibodies? My (detail removed by Moderator) treats Long Covid patients who weren’t always aware they’d even had Covid. Just a thought!

You shouldn’t take any tablets that you are not comfortable taking. Don’t let anyone railroad you into that.

You could try doing mindfulness with your child. I used to do mindful meditation for children and I loved it as much as they did. You can get CDs/downloads that can take you both on a magical journey.

Also walking together can be great fun, especially if you can turn it into a bug hunt or leaf collecting mission.

I remember the exhaustion of having todflers very well and once they’re in bed, collapsing on the sofa feels like the only option so trying to involve your little one in your self care can be beneficial for you both. It’ll teach her good habits. xx

[littledove]

@Eggshells I just feel like when I’m having these low moods, that I’m not present enough with my little one. I feel so angry with myself as well like “how dare you feel this down you have the greatest blessing there is right in front of you, get a grip!”

Thanks for the advice, I will try out the nice things you have suggested ☺️ I try be the best role model I can be.
Even when I’m feeling like this, I still provide her with everything she needs throughout the day. I still cook. I keep the house clean. I shower. I look after myself. I play with her toys with her (even if I can only fit in a half hour). I read her a bedtime story every night before her bed. She keeps me going every day.
I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. In fact I think I take on way too much pressure on myself. Xx

[KIP.]

Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you’d been knocked down or broken a leg you’d be entitled to take time to heal. Mental health is no different. I’d be in regular therapy if I could afford it. Many people stay in therapy for a lifetime. It’s really common in USA just like the dentist they attend therapists and it keeps them on a positive path. So if you can get therapy then try to embrace it. You’ve been triggered lately and now is the aftershock. Most of the feelings you describe are what I went through with depression. I actually had an overactive thyroid because of the stress and anxiety. You’re a great mum but if you can manage some time to yourself then take it x

[littledove]

Thank you Kip. I actually meant overactive thyroid, not under. Sorry I’m tired haha.

You’re absolutely right. I’m my own worst enemy. Like I said to Eggshells; “when I’m feeling like this, I still provide her with everything she needs throughout the day. I still cook. I keep the house clean. I shower. I look after myself. I play with her toys with her (even if I can only fit in a half hour). I read her a bedtime story every night before her bed. She keeps me going every day.
I think I take on way too much pressure on myself.”
It just all comes from the anxious thoughts and overthinking that I’m not good enough at anything in life Xx

[KIP.]

That negativity comes from abuse. Write a list of all your achievements including childbirth, surviving an abusive relationship and protecting your child, you will see just how powerful you really are.

[littledove]

Yes I’m actually going to start journaling at night all the positive and good things I do and things I get done in the day before I go to bed. Also going to write all the good things that happened in the day too. Then read it back over the next morning when I wake up. Just to focus more on the positives rather than the negatives xx

[iliketea]

Hi like you I’d always felt that anti depressants were not for me but my GP strongly suggested I try them when lockdown started last year as she knew I could be trapped for a while. I did as I was so low I really thought I hadn’t anything more to lose. By then I didn’t feel my brain was my own anyway, let alone my life, because of him. I could not believe and till cannot believe the clarity and sharpness they gave me. Don’t know if you remember that film with that good looking actor who takes a blue pill and has superhuman clarity about life!! It was just like that. It really helped me to see where I was, and where I wanted to be and gave me the strength to get out. It really helped with sleep, and switching off at night so I could recover from the days on end of abuse as I was so worried about putting on weight I also started couch to 5k at the same time so I made myself do that and walk everyday as well. The combination gave me the strength and power to leave. I listened to podcasts and books on trauma and abuse when I exercised and always did it outside.
Just wanted to give a good story as I know how you feel. They don’t have to be forever and they can get your brain back on an even keel to start thinking straight and to help you out of the FOG of abuse. Sending a big hug. X*x

[littledove]

Thank you for the lovely response. I will definitely look into them on Monday with my GP!

You’re right, there’s so much brain fog. I feel disconnected to myself and everything around me. Is like I’m living in a haze!

I’m actually really happy to hear that you finally found the strength to leave as last time I was on the forum you were attempting to and ready to do it. I’m so glad you have!

Also really happy to hear that the anti depressants helped you and that you’re doing better.

Yes I really need to do more things for myself. I am going to try and treat myself and slow down more, and be more gentle and kind towards myself xx

[iliketea]

Oh and meant to say yes the juggle is a nightmare, especially with little ones, but you’re doing amazingly to be where you are so don’t be hard on yourself. It’s the way your body as to tell you to slow down, this is the time for you, small steps, small things for self care, just once a day, can really help. Lie on your bed for half an hour. Have. Bath in the middle of the day. Early bed and a film. New nail varnish. Small things, carving out the time to remember you. It’s not selfish, it’s the oxygen mask. X*x

[gettingtired]

Sorry I don’t have much advice to give as I’m still stuck in my own situation but I just wanted to say that you’re obviously a wonderful Mother to your child reading the post and comments xx

[littledove]

Thank you, I really appreciate your comment.

I hope you are keeping alright xx

[Eggshells]

Yup, you do have one of the greatest blessings but you also have an abusive ex and that can really wear you down. As KIP said, you are being harsh on yourself. You are doing brilliantly and it’s not surprising you’re exhausted.

You have been incredibly strong and brave.

If you can, try to treat yourself every day. Chocolate bar or bubble bath, chic flick or a glass of something nice. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to feel like a treat. xx

[littledove]

Thank you lovely, it’s the little things in life for sure 🙂 xx

[Cyberblonde]

I also have been prescribed beta blockers. I only just started taking them after having the prescription from April.
A friend told me they had really helped her.

I have struggled to get counselling as (detail removed by moderator) referred me to some local dv services but as I am divorced from him and it was coercive control there are no services available I can access.

I am on a waiting list for a course but that week be next year.

Hang in there.

Xx

[Author]

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