depression hitting hard and feel hopeless :/

[duvetday]

Hi.. so it’s been almost (detail removed by Moderator) months since I left my abusive ex. I have moved to a different town. My mental health has been pretty bad overall in the last (detail removed by Moderator) months but whereas when I first left I had real hope interspersed with moments of feeling terrified/confused/down etc, for the last month or so I don’t seem to have any hope for the future and it is really getting me down now. I know the healing process isn’t linear and it can take a really long time….I just keep thinking what’s the point? I feel totally lost and keep getting annoyed with myself for feeling this way (I know that’s unhelpful). Has anyone else really crashed in this way? I used to feel free and hopeful and I don’t know why I don’t feel this anymore… sorry for the depressing post. I just feel really alone in this even tho I am lucky in that I do have friends and some family, but feel like I just always seem so depressed with them lately and I feel like it’s getting too much for them (I know maybe that’s not true).

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi duvetday,

I can relate, my mood feels worse now than it did a few months ago, I feel more upset by what he did and cry every day whereas in the summer I seem to remember not crying as much.

I think we are experiencing grief? And that it’s this exhausting rollercoaster. Sorry I can’t be of more help. Have you got a counsellor? Someone who understands domestic abuse and what you went through. I think we need help to recover from this, it’s not the kind of thing you can get over easily on your own.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi duvet day,
Sorry you’re feeling so low, I’ve been on that roller coaster for years. It’s tough. Music helps me, singing along at the top of my lungs. Writing down positive things and sticking them round the place to remind me of the good things in my life. Seeing friends/family or just chatting on phone (about other stuff good things). Distractions., even if that’s cleaning like crazy. Talking to counsellor is good for tackling problems but can take a while to start feeling the benefit. I found it very hard, my brain needs a rest from the bad stuff I like to draw, colour in these relaxing art books you can buy usually with the mags. What ever relaxes you and takes your mind off your worries for a while. Try to be kind to yourself. Try to give your brain a rest each day. Might be a swim or exercise class. Try a few things, see what suits you. Hugs

[duvetday]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
Thanks for replying 🙂 ah sorry your mood is worse now too.. 🙁 yup I’m crying every day and it feels scary and lonely every time. Yeh I think you might be right about the grief. Lately I have been thinking of it more in terms of depression, tho obviously that is a stage of grief isn’t it? I don’t have a counsellor or therapist at the moment. I’m on the waiting list for (nhs) counselling but will probably be around another 5 months until that comes thru. I’ve been trying to look into getting specialist therapy with someone trained in abuse, like you say, cos everything I read/watch online suggests doing this..my local domestic abuse organisation is looking into it for me (they don’t have one in their service unfortunately). I found one in a nearby town but I can’t access it unfortunately cos I don’t live there, which is understandable but I got my hopes up briefly about it :/ To be honest with how bad I’ve been feeling I’ve even been doubting whether I should have therapy but think this is possibly just some kind of self-sabotage/depression making me think “what’s the point”.. ugh!

[duvetday]

Hi Freedomfighter,
Thanks for your message 🙂 sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing it too for so long. I’m glad you have things that help a bit. Yeh over the many years of having mental health probs I’ve learnt lots of things that help 🙂 it’s just at the moment I’m finding it extremely hard to access all of that… if I have a day where I manage to do one of my distracting/relaxing etc activities and it doesn’t help then it can make me feel even worse and it makes me feel like I fought so hard against my urge to just sit/lie there and then for what? I know that’s really depressing, it’s just where I am at right now :/ but I guess at some point things will hopefully shift a bit. Just feel so stuck at the moment.

[Shell]

Hi Duvetday.

Thankyou so much for writing down how you feel because I feel the same and just feel so alone in dealing with it.

I managed to leave my husband just under (detail removed by moderator). At first I was elated (scared of being on my own and having to pay bills etc, but it was an excited sort of scared). Slowly over the last year fear, panic, self loathing, worthlessness and sadness has crawled its way in and I now have frequent panic attacks and have been taking anti-depressants for some time now. I am definitely worse than I was when I first left.

I get really angry with myself because I never cried or got scared when I was in the relationship, yet now (when I am in a safe and happy place), things trigger me off and I’m convinced he’s going to be just around the corner again and the fear is so strong and so real and so consuming (made worse because the logical part of my head says “stop being so idiotic, he’s not in your life anymore”).

I also struggle to make a decision on anything (even what to eat, so quite often I skip dinner if I’m on my own). I’ve realised this is because every decision of my life was controlled, money was controlled, food and clothes etc and I knew what was expected of me and what I had to do (and what would happen if I didn’t). Even though I know that I am better off now, the lack of structure and having to decide things for myself is absolutely terrifying.

I often feel alone. My family are very “stiff upper lip”, “keep smiling”, “get on with it” sort of people. They also have a very low opinion of people saying they suffer from mental illness and think they’re all attention seekers, so no minimal support there. I work in an entire office of men so struggle to get emotional support and its not good for me to be the only woman and cry or be emotional. I have very few friends as I lost a lot when I was married (I wasn’t allowed to see them), and the few friends I do have left are getting married and having children and they’re excited about their lives so I feel I cant talk about depressing things with them.

I think because I handled the leaving and moving into my own house and first year or so, so well people think I’m strong and so don’t understand that its now that I’m hurting and suffering. It was almost like once I decided to leave, that was it and my life became about achieving that goal. I was happy and high on the elation of having achieved my goal that all seemed well. My real suffering has started now. Its nice to know its not just me that feels like this.

[Sunshine]

Hi All 🙂
I struggled for so long then I had to see my doctor and get anti depressions. I don’t notice a major change in my mood but it must be doing something. I never wanted to go down that route, ever! But in the end I thought if a little help is needed and it lifts my mood while I get through this, so be it. Others might disagree but it may have helped me. Just to say I have good family and friends but no one truly understands this. X

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