Despairing

[Poetrygirl]

I have been in a relationship for (detail removed by Moderator). Since becoming depressed at the start of this year I have been staying with my partner. At first he was very attentive but then he got short tempered and said how frustrated he is with me, and how he thought I was a strong woman.

He now says I have to go home in (detail removed by Moderator) time as he can take no more nonsense and that x months is long enough for him to have looked after me. And that he is near a breakdown and has at times felt like throwing himself off the bridge. I am not sure I believe that. I dunno which end of me is up as my emotions are all over the place, and I am fearful about returning home as I don’t know how I will cope? I sometimes think it is the depression that makes me think he is abusive but the more reading I do online the more it resonates with me as verbal and emotional abuse. Am I going crazy?

Also, he said he will come in and see me at home and help me by lifting my prescriptions, getting me groceries etc. He wants it to go back to seeing me a few times a week, like it was before I had my breakdown at (detail removed by Moderator). I am now so dependent on him, yet he seems immune to how I feel …eg, if I am tearful he says he has had enough nonsense. Other times, tho not too often, he says I can beat this depression as I did beat it when I had it before we met. Pleas tell me if I am irrational for wanting the good man back, and for being terrified of living alone again? Sorry if I am rambling. He said he can be a better person when he isn’t dealing with me 24/7. Am I foolish hanging in there? I haven’t been out side the door for months on end. Thank you for listening. I know so many of you are dealing with major stuff and that my worries may seem silly. I just don’t know where I am at the mo …. X

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Poetrygirl, your worries aren’t silly at all. You’re right, this is emotional abuse. He is causing your dependence on him and using it to control and frighten you. Is your depression worse since moving in with him? If so he isn’t helping is he? I have no doubt that you will be a better person when you don’t have to deal with him. I know it feels terrifying to live alone again but your depression will never lift with him treating you this way. He doesn’t want you to leave, he wants to make you realise you’re unable to leave but you’re not. Speak to the helpline, local WA, charities, voluntary services and see what is available to support you. You might be surprised. Do you have any friends or family that would help initially? I’m afraid he won’t change. Have faith in yourself and take this chance to see how well you can manage. Having control of your own life again could make all the difference. Good luck xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Poetrygirl, the quality of your life sounds really poor at the moment.

I can identify with your story in a lot of ways. A lot of confusion, mind foggyness and doubt comes to us with this sort of thing. With myself I was similarly screwed up but a lot of my thinking was around me as a person and how i operated in general before I met him and with other people. I thought that I had issues, outside of the relationship and that these issues were the cause of the relationship problems. I mostly believed that and that thinking contributed towards me staying in and working harder to fix it. When you are in the relationship it is so difficult, virtually impossible to think straight due to the gas lighting, manipulation and mind games. In reality before I met him i had not had much success with men, I was shy & could be naive. Maybe some difficulty with relationships in general. So maybe these things were simmering away in my consciousness and I thought I was the problem. I am out of my relationship now for X months and my thinking & well being has changed 1000%. I NEVER feel doubt, insecure, deeply crippling anxious, mentally ill or unsure of myself, EVER. I’m human and not perfect and guess I do have some of those issues but they are manageable not crippling enough to affect a relationship, at least not with the right partner. Now my days are mostly calm, peaceful, focused and happy. I love my life. These words come under the umbrella of abuse: brainwashing, gas lighting, mind games, blame, guilt, lying, withholding, reducing your self esteem. I really do love Zari Ballard, she is fantastic how she gets into the nuts & bolts of the abusers tactics and how we can help ourselves. Also there is a thread on here called Can anybody give any examples of gaslighting? Please also have a read through these links which are invaluable. Also a great read is 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, free to read on Amazon.

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