Desperate and alone

[Anonymous]

I have been separated from my partner for a few months. Recently I let my children know where I am. So he knows where I am. There has been different types of abuse, one of which was financial on a major scale, resulting in the loss of a home.

There are always excuses as to why this happened.

I have had zero input into major life decisions eg moving house, major purchases.

He was someone who was extremely successful at what he did and I could only say that this made him feel like God and that it entitled him to behave in any way he wanted. He then lost this success and it financially ruined us. He thinks he can get back to those great heights again.

He admits he was extremely controlling. The stress made me extremely ill to the extent I lost my career, and almost my life. He says that it changed him and he is different now. He can be kind and go to extreme lengths to help me at different times in my life. He is all I have known for (detail removed by moderator). Even after all he has done to me I don’t want to see him hurt or in trouble. This is a big problem to my wider friends and family. They want me to divorce him and take everything he has which is just not me.

My friend (who I have seen only (detail removed by moderator). Calling me mad and stupid was something my partner did and she knows this. She is someone I can never fully trust now. They promised they would be there for me and (detail removed by moderator) I don’t think is supportive. My other friends bombard me with messages to divorce him. Never see him again etc. To the extent I don’t want to see anyone as no one will leave it alone.I have extreme anxiety and fear of not managing alone in life due to my disability and being honest – my fear of being alone after (detail removed by moderator).

I spoke to him recently to discuss the future and financial matters and I was upset when he said (detail removed by moderator). When I became upset and started talking faster he said(detail removed by moderator). I wasn’t shouting . I was just upset. This made me think that he suspects I have told people about what he has done and might say it is me who has mistreated him! He messes with my mind all the time.

There is a part of me that wants to let him have it all and also let them keep the house so that my adult children can save until they are ready to buy. My wider family and friends think this is a terrible idea as his irresponsibility means that he could lose the house. As long as my children are happy I don’t care.

He can be kind. This is what confuses me the most. He means well in his intentions but needs complete control and even though he says that would change I don’t think it would.

He is right that I will end up alone to some extent as (detail removed by moderator) family and friends have drifted back to their own lives and meanwhile I am alone 24/7 fending for myself with my disability. My sister speaks on the phone every couple of days though. I feared this would happen and that’s why I always stayed.

I have therapy and in all honesty  (detail removed by moderator) as I feel it is ruined and in tatters. I am far away mentally and physically from being fit for work and that adds to the burden. At the moment all I can see are the good things that I am leaving behind and the struggle of managing alone. I think that he is right that no one will be there for me like he was. I do think that is true. I also know that I will lose any control and the cost of returning will mean I lose friendships spanning (detail removed by moderator), my wider family and any respect from medical professionals. I know also if I return my family and friends would confront him and I would then be in danger and risk losing my children too as they would see I am disloyal.

I wish I had kept it to myself and told no one.I feel so alone and don’t see a way out.

[wildandfree]

Hey Controlled

I couldn’t just read and run. Your story is so familiar to me and probably to many women on here. Being controlled is awful. It takes all your sense of self and worth. But you are stronger than you realise. You are out physically. Mental and financial freedom takes longer.

When I left, I left everything because I finally realised my life was worth more than all of the things (thats not to say that it wasn’t hard and is still hard every day).

What I am saying is that you are not alone, even if it feels like it. Keep posting on here. Reach out to people you can trust.
Apologies for the short reply, but I am sending much love and strength. You are not alone. xx

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
Your last line is me i feel the same way.
This is just all too hard right?
Lets maybe break it down a little.
Firstly how amazing you are to have left, after (detail removed by moderator)  Im still here so to me you have shown incredable strength and courage to have gotten yourself safe.
Others that have not been where we have sont really understand they try but they just cant see and feel the pain and hurt we have suffered, to them its so easy to leave and never look back for us its way more than that, i have never spoken out about my life to others things are amazing I am a very lucky girl behind closed doors i swlf harm as i am so unhappy nobody gets it but dont blame them they want to help but just dont know how.
Im incredably lonley my head is a mess I feel like this is it for me its miserable im guessing when you were with him you felt the same that walking on eggshells that not knowing what mood they are in, the nice times that they put in to win you back its all a game to them.
I hear how unhappy you are but will going back really solve that? Will you really be happy back again because my guess is he hasnt changed and it will happen all over again.
Im not great at advice and i am hoping one of the other more equipped ladies on here will be along to help you more but I wanted to say you are not alone here we understand we get it we really really do.
Id say keep talking see your counsellor tell them of your thoughts see a dr you trust get some help there, have you had any advice on the financial side womans aid could help you with that or a solisitor? Arm yourself with as much information as you can it will help you. You deserve what is yours you deserve a life that you love you deserve to wake up each day feeling safe you wont be alone if you reach out you wont be alone if you allow others to help you you are not alone as you are here and we are in this s**t with you.
Stay safe stay strong take care of you x

[Kitkat44]

Hello,
I just wanted to say nbumblebee has nailed it (she is very good at advice!)
And to send you love
You have done such a huge and courageous thing, women are conditioned to put everyone else before ourselves. Give yourself some compassion and grace for all that you have lived through.
We’re all here.
Take care xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Controlled,

Reading what your ex has done to you that has affected your health and life when you was with him does not show to me in any way that he was ‘there for you’. His words have conditioned you to believe that he was, but what have his actions shown you? With your current health situation do you really believe that he will be able to take care of you, be a carer in the future, show empathy, kindness and patience? You have already said you know he won’t change.

Friends and family who mean well don’t always show it! I remember my mum telling me that if I stayed with my ex then she would cut me out of her will because she didn’t want him benefitting from what she left behind. She never did cut me out of the will and whether she would do or not had no bearing on my decision to leave or stay with my ex, I know she said it out of frustration and to try and make a point! (She apologised later.) Some of my friends could not believe that I allowed my son to spend as much time with his paternal grandparents, go on holiday with them, have sleepovers etc, they thought that I should punish them for how their son behaved towards me. To be honest, I was quite flabbergasted with their views. They were wonderful grandparents and my son loved them. To stop them seeing him would have been cruel.

You sound like a very fair person. You just want your children to be happy, you don’t want to take your ex for every penny you can and ruin him (that’s what they like to do to us) and you don’t wish badly of him or for anything bad to happen to him. I get the impression you just want to find peace and contentment – and you won’t find it with him.

When we think about leaving our abuser we are subconsciously weighing up the ‘losses’ and ‘gains’ of leaving. The losses are all instant, we are losing our home, our partner, our life as we know it, our normality, regular/daily contact with our children, possibly our job and many other things. The gains are very few in the immediate future and the benefits of them cannot be seen straight away.

Please apply this to your situation now and reverse it. What will you lose and gain by going back to him? At the moment you have somewhere to live that is your space and is free from abuse. Will you still be free from abuse if you go back to him? You are lonely? Will you still be lonely if you go back to him or will he be the friend, the companion, the person to sit and have a chat with, watch TV with, laugh with, go shopping with, go on weekend breaks or holidays with? I have found it is so much harder to be alone in a relationship that alone by myself.

I can see in your words that you are struggling at the moment with many things in your life, but I don’t believe these struggles will be resolved by going back to your ex. Part of these struggles may be that you are not pleasing friends or family members by acting on their advice, but you really have to do what you feel is the right thing to do for you, and if that p****s them off so be it. How you settle the financial situation about the house is not their business at the end of the day. You have gone from leaving an abusive man who controlled you to trying to deal with family and friends who are trying to do the same.

I understand that you have illness and disabilities but there will be some support group out there that you can find friends and do things with. If it is hard for you to get out there are charities out there that offer ‘befriending services’ where someone will come to your home and have a chat and a coffee with you. There will be a church near you that has coffee mornings on a weekly basis and they often have volunteers who will pick people up if they are not mobile.

Your future happiness is not based on returning to him, it is based on finding some other way of filling this void of loneliness and finding a way to settle financial matters that are acceptable for you and your well being. I fully understand that when things are this hard we often think it is easier to go back to what we know than face the future unknown. I went back several times and nothing changed for the better, but by finally embracing the future ‘unknown’ it turned out to be the best decision I made.

Oh, and my ex told me I’d end up alone and miserable too as no one else would put up with me. He was right in one aspect, I am still alone now but that is by choice as I’ve not yet met anyone who is worthy of me 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies.

I have taken advice and have been given different alternatives. I am in such a state I almost don’t care about the money as I can’t take any kind of fight in that aspect.

What I wanted more than any money in the world was a life where there was no shouting, control and feeling useless. I wanted family times.

He has said (detail removed by moderator).
In some aspects I believe he has changed, but there would be zero trust between us. I know he would get angry again at some point of things are not going his way. Even now , he is beginning to get to me and suck me back in. I had had little contact for ages and now in the space of (detail removed by moderator) I am right back to where I was if not worse.

This is going to sound ungrateful, but I was listened to and it was explained what was happening to me from people who cared but in all honesty looking at it objectively I was greatly pressured to not go back from external influences. Whilst looking at it from the outside it was the right decision- it was not wholly mine.

There are a great many people who are aware of what was happening. It only takes one to get involved and for my children to find out and I would lose their love. For they believe his interpretation and are clinging desperately for a mum and dad to be together so they can manage financially and to not be alone in their old age. I so wish that I had kept it to myself, although that was hard as physically I was a shell and my body was failing me.

I am alone the vast majority of my time, in a great deal of pain and struggle physically. I have extreme anxiety that manifests itself in all kinds of bodily symptoms.

I read some articles about it and I still can’t find the backbone to contemplate a life without him there to help me. In reality, he made me ill. He then tried to get medical help to fix me. It turns out the cause was severe and prolonged stress and abuse.

Even if he could change my family will not accept this and so I need a way to get stronger and cope. My biggest fear is that if I don’t improve soon, medical professionals will intervene and prevent him contacting me and then again I would lose the love of my children.I have to pull it together and try to find a way to support myself fast.

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