Desperate to get out but stalling

[AppleNinja]

Hello,

I started posting here several weeks ago after my husband hit my daughter (he assaulted me some time ago).
I started making plans to leave but then stopped for a while as my mum is seriously ill (she lives abroad) and she’s deteriorating and I’m worried that if I go to the refuge I might not be allowed to leave the country (if I need to go on benefits for a while).

Everything is getting too much, the situation with my parents, with my husband and in the meantime I have to go to work where I keep screwing things up, I can’t concentrate.

He hasn’t hit my daughter since that one time and is trying to be nice but I just feel that inside is a different matter.

I feel trapped. I know what to do but I am unable to move. He keeps saying he loves me.

Can I give you a few examples of his recent behaviour?

He’s getting ready to go grocery shopping and asks me what I want to eat for dinner. I make a suggestion and he rejects the idea. I offer another one and he rejects that too. This goes on for a while. I give him 6 suggestions and he reject every single one but offers none himself. Then I say, slightly irritated – ‘Well, I don’t know, I’ve run out of ideas for now. I would have to go and see for myself what I’d like. Just get anything you want. I’m easy.’ At this he gets angry and accuses me of not helping at all. He storms out, slamming the door behind him, ignoring the little one and me completely. On return, he continues ignoring both of us and has an aggressive manner about him (I can hear him muttering comments under his breath, chucking things, slamming doors). He then asks me if I deposited money the monthly amount in his bank account. I say I did. He says it didn’t show on his bank statement. I take a look at his bank statement and the payment is there. I go and show him the statement to reassure him that everything is all right. He doesn’t take this well either – I don’t remember what he said but he had a negative comment – something about thrusting papers in his face. The tension and ignoring continues all Sunday until I start a conversation in the evening. I feel very depressed and down because I have a situation with my parents as well. (Note: he doesn’t want me to do the shopping because ‘I don’t know what to buy’)

we’re watching a movie in the evening. This was to be my down-time. Half an hour into the film he says I never contact his daughter (who ran away) – the implied message was that I am not behaving as I should as a step-mum (we had a small conversation about parenting earlier on). I reply that it’s not entirely true, that I have been in touch with her. He then retorts by ‘You never…’ – I cut him off at this point because I know that criticism follows. So I say ‘Ask her (before you continue to criticise me)’. This enrages him, he throws the remote control on the floor and starts having a rant at me, in which he claims that I accuse him of him not trusting me and that something is wrong with me mentally and that I need a brain surgery. I want to say something and he says he’s not interested. Effectively shuts me off. He puts the film back on saying: ‘Just watch your film.’ I don’t react to this whatsoever. For the rest of the film I’m extremely uncomfortable, intermittently shaking his head, jaws clenched, being quite expressive about his disinterest in the film, looking out of the window, muttering to himself, sighing loudly, etc. He gets up to get a beer and asks me: do you want anything, apart from the brain surgery? I am feeling very uneasy and nervous, palms sweating, and my breath is tense. Headache is coming. NOTE: we only watch his kind of films because my choices are ‘s**t’. That night in bed, he turns and tosses, rather expressively, making it clear that he’s back is towards me. He gets up at night and mutters something so I ask him what he wants. His answer: F*** all, I want f*** all.

Then he says he loves me.

It brings me down.
Anyone else having similar experience?

Thanks,
AppleNinja

[Huesera]

Hi Apple,
Just wanted to send you a (((hug))).
Sounds like such rather horrid and uncomfortable. I sometimes too feel as if I just can’t win whatever I say or do.
So sorry to hear about your Mum by the way. My parents have both passed on long time ago also whilst I was living in a different country. It is horrible not being able to be there for them. Being in such a unhappy relationship doesn’t help!
Sorry I can’t give any advise, just hugs, and an ear.
Huesera

[AppleNinja]

Hi Huesera,

Thank you for your response. It’s heart-breaking to be away from your loved ones when they need you and instead being trapped with someone who doesn’t value you. I’m also sorry you couldn’t be there for your parents. It’s very very hard and an intense kind of sadness.

I don’t know how to cope at the moment, it’s like being attacked from different directions.

I’m in a toxic relationship, my parents both need to go into care home as they need professional care but are stubbornly refusing so I worry about them but can’t help from distance, and I’m under a lot of pressure at work with massive loads to do to deadlines and making big errors because I have difficulty concentrating and thinking clearly.

I had started moving things from home to my office to store and allow myself some time to prepare gradually for my exit. But now I just feel like quitting absolutely everything on the spot, including the job, taking my daughter and go into refuge, taking a breather and starting from scratch.

And no, you absolutely cannot win. Even if you have an occasional victory, you’ll pay for that later, right?

Hugs to you too,
AppleNinja

[Huesera]

Hi AppleNinja,

I think you made a great start by taking important stuff to the office to keep them safe. Have an ’emergency bag’ packed with all important documents (birth certificates, bank stuff, insurances, etc) and some clothes for you and kids – just in case.
It is good to have a plan in place, preparing and then following it through. Although I do fully understand why you feel as if you just want to drop everything and run! It can be harder to stay than it is to run.
Surely if the consequences of running aren’t are better than taking a slow exit (ie, no job, no home, etc, having to start from point 0 compared to the upset and abuse you are experience at home) then there isn’t much choice. It’ll be a bit of fight either way.
Personally, I try to ‘hang in there’ until I have everything covered and until I can safely go through with my plan.

How often are you able to talk to your parents? It is so hard being so far away, not being able to help and then being trapped at the same time in this very toxic relationship here. You really need support dealing with this emotionally difficult situation with your family, you don’t need his abuse on top of everything else you deal with.
Yes, you can’t win at the moment – and yes, at the moment you will pay for any little win you may have.

Sorry I am not much help, all I can do is sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs. You are not alone

Huesera

[Appin7]

Hi Appleninja,
I am so sorry to hear your story and it is so much like my own. There is only one solution and that is to get out. Get out before you are totally destroyed and your child is also destroyed by this manipulative man. I took (detail removed by moderator) years  to wake up and make a stance. I should have acted sooner for both my own and my children’s sake – they are now grown but the damaging affects are long lasting. It has taken me (detail removed by moderator) months of consideration to actually file for divorce but it was the best choice ever. Although I still have to live with this man for the time being I have found a sense of personal freedom just by starting the divorce process and I feel very positive I have made the right move. Bizarrely he also seems somewhat happier ( in fact he removed his wedding ring within 24 hours) and although it’s another week until my papers are ready we have already been able to sort some basics out apbetwwen us.
I was apprehensive about his reactions and behaviours and dreading telling him but he has surprised me by his reactions and I wish I had had the guts to start the process earlier in the year.
Good luck with your endeavours which must be to secure a decent life for you and your child independent of this manipulative and abusive man.

[icequeen lady]

Hi sending vitial hug.. i feel ur pain.get out of this .it will hurt like hell but expect that expect ofcourse its gonna hurt.but to be free from abuse will be blissful for you n ir child.goodluck xx

[AppleNinja]

Hello Appin,
Thank you so much for your message. I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier – at the time you wrote my mum began to deteriorate rapidly and I had to travel home several times. She passed away on New Year’s Eve, so with this and Christmas I didn’t have an opportunity to go on the forum.

I really admire you for the courage to even the topic of divorce to your husband. I wish I could do that too (the one time I did I got attacked) so although it would be an honourable thing to do I just cannot trust his reaction.

So how are things now?
Have you already left him? I hope he didn’t change his mind and started going crazy.

I’m very sad that your children have been affected, I can only express my hope that they can overcome it somehow and be happy.

I don’t want to get cheesy here, but I started reading some Tony Robbins books and he addresses the issue of how we have the capacity to let go whatever abuse happened to us and live our lives fully. Yes, it’s very American and self-help but actually he writes so well and comes across as a compassionate person. I thought maybe that could be a good inspiration…

I’d love to hear how you’re getting on.

AppleNinja x*x

[AppleNinja]

Hello Icequeen,

Thank you for your kind message.
I’m sorry I don’t know your story yet as I haven’t been here for months. As I explain to Appin7 above, I had a family situation and I couldn’t go on the forum. And then to top it all of, a month ago I fractured my ankle so I was at home and couldn’t go on the forum because HE is at home all the time. So just in case….

It’s interesting that you used the word ‘blissful’ because when I stop thinking about difficulty of the exit and focus on imagining what life will be like when I’m out, that is exactly what I feel – bliss.

Keep posting
Hugs back
Apple

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