Desperately want him back

[Escaped not free]

I know I should be happy that I’ve got away. But after the initial relief of the space I am finding it so unbearably heartbreaking and sad. I can’t equate the man who said he loved me with the man who reduced me to a nervous wreck and now with the help of the police has made me homeless. I thought getting away to my sisters for a few days while Thierry kids are at their dads would help but everywhere I turn I just see and hear things I want to share with the man I loved. The man who didn’t belittle me and control me. The man who said he would do everything in his power to make me happy if I agreed to sell my home and build a future with him. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Nobody seems to understand. Everybody assumes I hate him and talks as if he is a monster but I can’t help seeing them as two different people and I don’t know how to move on. I want to but I’m suck in this horrendous, gut wrenching grief. I put all my love hopes and dreams into this man then he made me feel awful and wonderful in the blink of an eye. How do people move on? How do you let go of the person who told you he was your soulmate and you believed him? Please if anyone knows tell me because I feel beyond help. X

[godschild]

I feel exactly the same as you, I am still with my abuser as I have disabilities and can’t leave but since around Christmas I have been unable to be in any denial about his abuse but all I want is for him to be the nice part but he changes like the wind and although I am desperate for a hug or kindness, I just can’t let myself be drawn back into him and the previous cycle as I now see so clearly allhe is doing BUT it hurts so much and I just want it all to be right. It is gut wrenching grief and also there is trauma bonding.
A Friend said to em a few months ago, do you still love him, she then said I couldn’t love a monster. But it isnt as straight forward as that.
Some ladies on here say it gets better but I could not imagine having no contact and being away form him after so many decades even if I didn’t have my disabilities.
We have Granddchildren as well and they know us as Nanny and Grandad, He is always so different when we are with them so much history with a person, who changes like the wind is so hard to overcome.
Im very emotionally detached now, it can never be as it was, but he will be nice for a while and I just long for him to stay that way but then Im swiftly reminded of the other side of him, its so so hard.
Do yo have any support or counceling, I speak to a WA support worker once a week and she really helps me with my mixed up self and feelings.
When you long for him , write down the dreadful ways he treated you and resist the feelings that is what im trying to do and not sucumb to the feelings of longing for him to hold me and be close , its very very hard to do but i have remained in this stance now for over three months, wheras for years ans years , it was a cycle of me being drawn back in, its very hard when he is here everyday but I keep resisting getting close in anyway and he senses it.
Sending you a hug from one who understanding outsiders cannot understand , keep posting on here you will get the understanding and support for the complex emotions and the way you are feeling. xx

[Escaped not free]

Thank you so much. You sound like an incredibly strong woman. My friends keep telling me that’s how I used to be and he’s a monster and done this to me. And my head knows they are right but my heart feels like it will forever be his. When I started to distance myself at home he sensed it, I couldn’t be intimate with someone who was so unpredictable and making me feel so jncomfortable all the time yet at the same time a ached for his arms around me. He kept telling me he loved me and if I loved him we’d get through it, it was just teething problems but really it’s been going on for the years before we lived together. I’d say I had enough, he’d win be back promise the earth and fir the year before me moved in together it seemed he finally got it but in (removed by moderator) short months I’ve been reduced to nothing. He got angry when I tried to explain to him how his behaviour made the kids and I feel. I got scared so I took them to my mums. He then kept harassing and stalking me through my phone, turning up everywhere I was, he’d been tracking me through my phone. I asked the police to warn him away but they charged him and released him on police bail to our home. I now have myself and my three children in my parents two bed home. He won’t let me in my house, even though it’s jointly owned because it breeches his bail conditions. At every turn the law has protected him and punished me because I asked him to stop. My family and friends are angry with me that I’m so upset about loosing him and the life I thought we would have. Keep telling me it wasn’t real so I needy I move on. I have three children who are not his, no home, because of the charges brought to him even if the procurator fiscal doesn’t take action…as its my word against his, he has still been charged so I can’t take my kids back there. That has been made very clear both by my family and Womans aid workers who promise a lot but really do nothing. Following their advice has left me homeless. All I want is him to get help and be the man he made me believe he was. I can’t see a way out and I feel emotional pain for being away from him for nearly (removed by moderator) that I never thought it was possible to feel. How do u stay so strong? Where does it come from? I look at the list of reasons why I’m not within but then all I feel is the loss of the man everyone tells me was an act and a manipulation. I just can’t make any sense of it or get it out of my head. I can’t work I can’t laugh anymore. I just seem to go through the motions when I’m on a good day. X*x

[KIP.]

Hi there, Google ‘trauma bonding’. That was a real eye opener for me. Leaving an abuser is like breaking a bad drug habit. You will have to go through the withdrawal, cold turkey phase. It really does get better with time. When I was at your stage, nothing anyone told me would make it better. I was so brainwashed that I thought my life would be nothing without him. It really is not the case. Once that awful cloud starts to life and you realise that a monster like him would make you and your children homeless, you realise, painful though it is, that he just doesn’t care for anyone but himself. Abusers are not able to put other first. There is a great website by Melanie Evans all about recovery from n********m. It’s great and really helped me understand my abuser❤️ I don’t know how to put a link here but if you google her name and n********t, it should come up. Stay strong. It will get better x

[Escaped not free]

Thank you. I’ve looked at trauma binding and it is making sense of why I feel the way i do. It’s a relief because every time I yearn for him I feel like I’ve just imagined all the hard stuff he put me through. It was the vast majority psychological, emotional with physical dominance that felt like it was getting worse. But mixed in with the most intense and heartfelt living intimacy. It was after yet another of his blow ups that I just became numb. I was worn out and depressed and isolated. He started to do nice things again, all the things that usually drew me back in to the emotional treadmill but I couldn’t feel anything anymore. This made him frustrated and angry. When I tried to tell him I couldn’t just flick a switch and erase what he’d put me through he’d tell me I was not allowing us to move on. But I knew it was only a matter of time before he kicked off again. I no longer trusted his promises. But did live him and told him that all the time. He just said I made him angry because I wasn’t giving him enough physical affection. His moods were so unpredictable though I found it too hard. Then he got angrier and I got scared. I didn’t actually realise it was fear until a family member took me aside and made me sit for a while and just tell them one emotion I felt. It was fear. Then sadness and regret. I knew I had to get away. I still know. But I still wish I could wear the engagement ring, walk hand I. Hand be happy and making plans. This was supposed to be it. The best thing in the world that only we were lucky enough to find….that’s how he pulled me in. Does anyone think they do love you and just don’t know how to do a normal relationship or is it really just that they saw you as a plaything? Surely on some level he did love me? No? I wish to god I knew the answer. He was always so unbelievably happy when I went back to him. I just thought he doesn’t understand I can help him understand he doesn’t want to hurt me. But after leaving that’s def all he’s been focused on. X

[Hopesprings]

I felt like you. I got back with my abuser a few times before making the final break. Like KIP says it is like a drug addiction. I now tell people I am in recovery and even though I don’t feel like it now a relapse could happen. We are only human. We are kind, loving and generous and that sometimes can be our downfall. You need to cut all ties with this man and it will get better in time. I wish I could tell you a magic trick but unfortunately there isn’t one. You are strong. It can be difficult talking to people who’ve not been through what we have who will have this perception of what you should feel like, but only you know how you feel. Keep at it with breaking away and do everything you can to make yourself happy. You deserve true happiness and you won’t get it with an abusive man. Look at all the awful things this guy has done to you. You deserve so much more than that and he cannot give it to you despite what he says. Keep posting and keep in contact with women’s aid they are amazing. No one on this forum judges you for wanting him back, we just want to see you safe and this is what your friends and family want too. Xx

[KIP.]

Escaped. I’ve sent you a personal message. We have a lot in common and I’ve been through what you’re going through. Check out your PM box if you can. (removed by moderator) x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

its trauma bonding, we have to wean ourselves of them they are like a toxic drug , it does get better in time u just have to get through this stage, no contact speeds it up

[Ayanna]

As a matter of fact, we all experienced wonderful times with the ex abusers too. It was not always bad and awful. The abusers ticked a lot of our boxes when we chose them to be our partners in life. That adds to the difficulty of ridding our brains of them.
Whenever this happens, we need to clearly remember, that the great moments did not last. Some of us were almost killed. These abusers tried to destroy us, our existence.
The wonderful moments were short most of the time. The honeymoon phase at the beginning of the relationship never repeated itself again.
Speaking for myself here, I was not able to see the truth. It hurt too much. I loved the ex abuser more than myself. I was devoted to him and determined to build a great life with him, support him in any way and work on myself to make him happy and proud. I only looked at the boxes that he ticked and there were many. I turned a blind eye to his dark side. I accepted it as part of his personality and put up with it.
Only when the abuse reached a life threatening dimension I looked at it. I got out shortly before it was too late. I had a bright moment when my life was suddenly the most precious gift that I had and which needed defending. After that moment my entire life was turned upside down.
I suddenly realized what he had done to me and that all my dreams, all I ever wanted, was gone within a few minutes – forever.
I never grieved for him, until today. I was left numb, unable to feel anything for myself or for the person that I lost.
Sometimes I have moments of wondering how he is doing, but that is not attached to any emotional affection, it is more curiosity, because I know he lost my financial support.
However, I suffer from breakdowns when there are triggers. Unfortunately can these triggers occur any time, in my professional life, at home when I watch a movie, … They are unpredictable and they are a threat to my existence, when they pop up in moments when I cannot afford to break down.
The abusers do not see and will never see what they did to us. They will always blame us for what they go through, due to the actions we have to take to defend ourselves against them. They see themselves as victims and will present their actions as a necessity because of our behaviour.
They will make us more and more sick when we are close to them. In the end they will cause our premature death. They will then say that we were mentally deranged and they were long suffering loving partners who put up with us.
In order to let truth prevail and save our sanity we have to stay away from them. They may tick boxes that no other man can tick, but they also have abilities to destroy us permanently. Survival instinct should prevail. We should want to live. There is a life after these men. It is a difficult path to climb, but eventually we will reach there.

[Topaz]

I’m new but I’ve just been reading your text. I left my ex when I had completely lost who I was and felt physically sick lying next to a man who enjoyed seeing me humiliated. I was ok for a while when I left and felt free but when I realised the pain I felt without having my two grown up children with me I went into severe depression and cried day and night and remembered the times when he would do anything for me and I wanted him back. I met my ex and ended up going back to what I can only describe as a house of horror! He did the most despicable things to me, I lost my job, couldn’t sign on and it was 3 against 1. I eventually left after (detail removed by Moderator) months and it is now after (detail removed by Moderator) years that I am finally accepting that I married a monster. Don’t go back, however hard it seems it is not worth it. Love Topaz

[Escaped not free]

Topaz thank you so much for your reply and I feel so deeply sorry for what you went through. I’m trying my hardest to put my energies into fighting back, using my children as motivation. I know I should and need to listen to advice such as yours because there were so many warning signs and friends who tried to tell me looking back that I totally ignored. I know my judgement is not trustworthy just now so I need to listen to the people around me like yourself. I don’t want to look back and think again if only I’d listened. I just wish there was some way of dealing with the pain and depression. I’m on a list for counselling from Womans aid and deeply hopeful this will help me. Everything just takes so long and no matter what he does I still doubt myself, doubt it was real, wonder if I’m just overreacting. Wonder if I do have just my own psych issues. But how could I go from full time worker single mum of three wonderful successful children to someone who can’t do a shop for food in the space of (detail removed by Moderator) months living with this man. Not to mention the therapy for stress and anxiety my son ended up in. If he had given me a good physical beating it would be easier to make sense of who he was in my head. The psychological emotional stuff is unbelievably damaging. How are you now? Are you getting through? If so, how did you do it?

[Author]

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