This topic contains 13 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Soulsearcher18 4 days, 2 hours ago.

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  • #107989
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Here I am again 😬 sorry guys , but I get such a nice relief from writing on here .
    I am in the middle of listening to audio book Healing from hidden abuse , so will see how I get on ..
    After ignoring his demands of what he thinks I should be doing , I went to my friends last night for social distance drink ( proving I will do as I please )
    Apart from being a bit quiet , he is on best behaviour , cooking Sunday lunch but not engaging with me massively .. I know he is thinking he may have pushed me too far .. but at the same time I am feeling that he is back to the person I know ..
    I feel like I am on a rollercoaster as I get strong and then I feel weak when he is nice .. so difficult when living with someone to see the bad all the time 😬
    Any one any thoughts on this ? Shall I continue to detach ? I am speaking to someone from wA on Wednesday x

  • #107990
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    No, no, no and no. He is playing you. Of course he is sensing his energy supply is getting away from him. He’s just tethering the rope here, not to close, not to far away and it works, has worked in the past but is it going to work now on you? I hope not. Yes, please do continue to detach. Be wise about it. Make your plan. As far as I am concerned two can play when it comes to conning someone. I’m up for it short term, are you? It’s about your survival here so do what you need to but see what you see, okay? He thinks you stupid but you’re not. You see……trust your gut sweetheart, it’s there for a reason and it is absolutely IS your very best friend, so listen to it. Make plans.

  • #107995
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Thanks Braelynn , this detach is a funny thing isn’t it .. there in body but not in mind !!
    I have detached before , unfortunatley it was on holiday which was booked and I started to detach before hand .. he hated it and my poor dad got the brunt end by being hit !!
    I know he won’t hit me but I am sure he must be seething inside ..
    I am taking each day as it comes atm xx

  • #107996
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I bet you thought he’d never hit your dad. Don’t underestimate him and don’t tell him you’re plans to detach or leave. When he senses he’s losing control the violence will erupt. Do what you have to do at the moment to keep yourself safe until you engage with women’s aid. You defied him, and you’re going to get punished for that, you just won’t see it coming. He’s reeling you back in first. Stay safe x

  • #108000
     Buddy 
    Participant

    How on earth can they be so calculating .. it is completley unbelievable kip .. what have I been doing for all these years .. I can’t believe I haven’t seen this before after everything he has put me through !! Xx

  • #108002
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hello Buddy
    I’m new to this forum and like yourself find great relief in writing here, I had to build the courafe but so glad I did! I can relate to your situation in that my Husband switches between nice and not so nice which is what messes with my head and stops me leaving. I’m also trying to detach and like you I can almost sense he knows somethings up, or that I’m getting stronger? Because he’s mr nice today but I’ve just had enough. Keep doing what your doing, keep reading and educating its so so hard im taking baby steps and trying to not look too far into the future. Xx

  • #108003
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Yes, I’m a bit suspicious here too, a bit concerned him being ‘quiet’ is the calm before the storm.

    Be extra alert, if he senses you’re going to leave he’ll do what he can to stop that. I echo KIP, never underestimate what lengths these men will go to in order to get what they want. Remember their abuse is controlled, it’s not a sudden rage that comes from nowhere, they know what they are doing, so he will lull you in to that false sense of everything being okay, and then he’ll strike when you are least suspecting it.

  • #108007
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Thanks ladies , I genuinely don’t think he ever thinks I will leave and this is a long way off for me atm as not back in work yet due to childcare and covid .. so I am not earning money ..
    but yes , I get what you are saying and no I never thought he would ever hit my dad ever 😥 xx

  • #108008
     Buddy 
    Participant

    My mum just asked me do I still love him .. not sure how I feel .. after all these years it’s a difficult question to answer right ?
    Anyone else felt this way ?

  • #108011
     iliketea 
    Participant

    Yes beware the “quiet” Im getting it, been going on for 10 days now. Its as ominous as the ranting. Still getting a bit of that but he’s checking himself. Its hideous and difficult to understand they would even waste the brain cells to conduct this sort of campaign. But they do. It is so hard to believe. But it is definitely the Cycle of Abuse.

    You’ve probably seen me say this before, write it all down. log a single line daily if thats all you have time to do, “silent treatment”, “got angry” etc etc, a pattern will emerge… That book is a very good start, I wished Id found that a year ago. And the Lundy book Why Does he do that”

    Don’t forget all this is about is Power and Control. Once you frame it in that you can see it is all about winning, at all costs.

    I can’t answer the “still love him” question because I categorically don’t, but I know a lot of women do. He’s caused me way too much emotional and psychological pain, and my children. I will never forgive or forget. Keep posting and asking questions. This is an amazing safe and knowledgeable forum. x

  • #108023
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    We spend sooo much time, don’t we trying to “figure them out” and for what? At some point we have to just stand still and look at what is. I had to slap the whatever out of myself for that one a long time ago. I’m like seriously lady? You need to study this total piece of you know what longer?? I mean you do see what you see and know what you see, yes? I had to say yes……..it was me asking. What if we spent all that time trying to figure out how we are feeling and what we need to do to make our lives better? That doesn’t include crawling up their whatever here with a flashlight for the millionth time and try to figure out why they are the monster they are. I think that’s been established now. If we were hired to be a detective I think our boss would say uhhhh, can you move on to something else now because you have nailed this one to the wall with evidence.

    We just want to be right about the person we originally fell in love with and we’re not so we need to get over it. We don’t really see how short life is, do we? We don’t see how much damage this kind of abuse is doing to us on levels that will extend into our future a long ways. It will take years off our lives, already has so why would we linger? What’s the point? To prove ourselves right, that the magical unicorn in them actually exists? It doesn’t.

    Not trying to be mean or anything else, I am trying to shake you up to reality however. I’m trying to save you, help you save you, maybe even save your life because these men are dangerous and yes, he will escalate and the next time it will be you. So think about being deliberate regarding your own safety, happiness and wellbeing and do everything you do with intention towards that end. It should be all or nothing in that direction and actually it is because if you do nothing, then you are going in the opposite direction. You never stand still. This is a pivot point in your life and you need to make the really right pro-active decision for yourself.

  • #108027
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Braelynn
    Thank you .. I needed that .. I am getting on my own nerves now xx

  • #108033
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Eh, we all do that one. I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. You just have to know what you know here, right? No second guessing yourself because you are quite bright. You have to trust your gut, trust your own need to survive here. So breathe………take a moment and regroup. Tell your feelings to take a back seat because your analytical part of your brain is going to drive now. The emotional side is going to weave all over the road so you can’t do that. It’s expected but you can control that part of you and you have to. Time for Big Momma to come on board now and tell everyone that can’t drive straight to sit in the back and put a sock in it. LOL! You have a very good brain. Use it.

  • #108035
     Soulsearcher18 
    Participant

    It’s all been said Buddy but I just want to show you some support. Keep going with the steps to get out, hopefully WA appointment this week will help you see that there are options to do this asap. That it is in fact possible. Look forward to hearing how that goes.
    Soulsearcher

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