3rd March 2016 at 11:26 am #10906
Hi all, I have been looking at this forum for the last couple of months. I started off doing some research for a friend who has just come out of an abusive relationship, only to find that I am being sexually abused by my partner.
For many years, I have been subjected to continuous groping- hands up top, unclipping bra, hands down pants, slapping & squeezing my bum. This happens daily- every time we pass each other, when I am cooking, cleaning & emptying the dishwasher. It is continuous, there is no let up – even in front of the kids and when we are driving around in the car. He comes up behind me and bear hugs me – I cannot move. Years ago, I mentioned it to friends & family – he developed the name ‘Pepe le Pew’- people found it funny and more sadly, so did I. I didn’t know his behaviour was abusive – it was just the norm for me.
Then, there comes the ‘hassling’ for sex- the nagging, the following me around, the blackmailing, the constant moaning, sulking and child like tantrums if I don’t give in and have sex. This is also a daily occurrence and can last for hours on end- right through til the early hours- until he has what he wants.
There have been numerous times when I have woken up to him having sex with me – I just lie there with arm covering my eyes, until he has finished. Most nights he sleeps with with his hand up my top and the other hand down my pants -claiming this is the only way he can get to sleep.
Things got worse last year – he raped me approximately 5 times within a few months. Apologising, after two times. How do I feel? I feel stupid, vulnerable scared and much more. I can’t bare him to touch me, I cringe – want to curl up & disappear. I struggle to even look at him – can’t make eye contact, especially worried now, that he might see in my eyes, I know what he is doing is wrong. When we have sex, I just lie there, waiting for it to be over. The ‘gut instinct’ feeling is all I have ever known what he has been doing to me is wrong.
Now, the realisation has hit me like a sledge hammer. Looking back, I can now understand why I started to lock the bathroom door- knowing that he will appear. The rushing to get dressed/changed in a panic because I can hear him coming up the stairs- I don’t want him to see me naked, in case he gets the wrong idea or gets turned on. My decisions to keep the kids up late because they are my protection (to a point) and my decision to install a double bed in my daughters room so I can have a safe place to sleep on occasions. I also pretend to fall asleep on the sofa so that I don’t get the usual hours of harrassment, although this doesn’t always stop him. My period week is my only time of peace – he has never liked it and never will!
The sad thing is, I don’t think he realises what he is doing to me is wrong. How can he? When I have only just realised myself.
Sending you all, hugs and love x
3rd March 2016 at 1:56 pm #10911Red1Participant
Hi, welcome, massive hugs 😔 you could almost exactly have just described my relationship, avoid bending while he’s around? Avoiding even innocent physical contact for fear of setting him off? Dressing in the bathroom straight after washing because you can lock the door and feel safe? Does he say he can’t help himself because you’re so sexy and he loves you so much? That he can’t control himself around you?
Control is the issue here. He can and does control himself. Also you say he doesn’t realise what he’s doing is wrong – why would he apologise to you if that was the case? He knows and most likely he doesn’t care as long as he gets what he wants he’ll continue doing it.
My experience has been gradually shutting down the physical affection as best as I can, he’s taken so much I have nothing left that I’d be willing to give him. The few times I’ve tried breaking up I’ve cited the constant groping and hassling for sex as part of the problem so he gives me the whole “but it’s because I love you so much” and he dials it down. For a while. Then when he’s still not being satisfied months later the moodiness returns. It’s like a competition – will I give in for some peace before he loses his temper and has a tantrum (which then upsets me enough that he can pretty much guarantee another few weeks of “no”)
Anyway I’m waffling – just bear in mind that he does understand it’s wrong, he is abusing you and has committed several criminal offences against you. You’re not alone, people here will support you X
3rd March 2016 at 2:40 pm #10913
Hi Red1, and thank you so much for your reply- it means a lot! It is very much the way you have described it. He is always declaring his love before, during and after- explaining things away with he can’t help himself and having sex with me is his most favourite thing. He knows I don’t like the constant groping – especially around the kids-but he does it anyway. He complains at me when when he wants to have sex because he can tell by my body language that I don’t and says things like ‘why is it such a chore for you?’. Well, it’s such a chore for me because he has made me feel like this. No one else!
It is so difficult. But I am very grateful to have found this forum and through reading others experiences, I have at last realised what has been happening to me. Thank you for your supportx
3rd March 2016 at 4:18 pm #10917Sparkle1Participant
My ex used to sulk on period week like i could control my cycle to suit him ! That was the only time i got any break and even then he tried! I went through the same constant groping slapping my bum so hard that it used to throb, constant sexual remarks and demanding it every day i was so sore and uncomfortable down and if i said no he sulked and said i didn’t love him or i must be having an affair ! I don’t know when i was supposed to be having an affair i lived like a prisoner x*x
3rd March 2016 at 7:11 pm #10919
Hi Titanium – good to hear from you – welcome and well done on posting.
This sounds just like my life too – all of what you are going through – went through too.
So, so, many similarities here…….oh how I feel for you – living that life – the life I lived for WAY too long – took me in the teens of years before I had enough courage to leave him – he wouldn’t leave the family home – so me and the kids had to go and he sat on in the house while we were homeless – shows on THEN just what a loving, caring husband and father he was (he’d rather keep the house and see his wife and kids homeless) – he held on to what was most important to HIM – the house – anyway we are a couple of years out now and he is welcome to the house!!! We are so much happier now – well rid of him!!!!
It was the continuous harassment for sex that ended our marriage – the constant moods and tantrums became unbearable to live with.
I too went through the keeping me up all night until I could take no more – and just lay there and ‘let’ him do it – just so I could get some sleep. And yes I too would wake up to him having sex with me – I don’t suppose he ever raped me as such – cos he would wear me down with night after night with nko sleep – eventual
3rd March 2016 at 7:32 pm #10920
Sorry that went too soon!!! I was in mid conversation!!!
Eventually my resistance became too low, and I ‘let’ him do it.
I would be right on the edge of the bed, literally falling out trying to get away from him – and he’d just pull me closer to him – and start again – I’d lie there, eyes tight shut, face screwed up, hands clenched tight – just willing it all to be over – and eventually it was – he’d get up – clean himself up, come back to bed and cuddle in to me like everything was OK – WELL IT WASN’T!!!
It got like you said I couldn’t stand to look at him or touch him.
I wasn’t as brave as you – I didn’t dare lock the bathroom door – or he would demand to know WHY I had locked him out – I couldn’t have a bath or a shower in peace – he would be in there with me – and not leave until he go what he wanted…..
Yes I couldn’t get dressed/undressed without fear of it ‘getting him in the mood’ – any chance he could he went in for sex – I was never safe…..
I too would keep the kids up late – for protection – and I’d dit up to 2-3am until I felt sure he was asleep – and then I’d creep in to bed and lie on the edge – far as I could away from him.
No I don’t think mine ever thought what he was doing was wrong – and to this day he will never admit that was what caused the breakdown of our marriage – that and his controlling attitude……
Sorry got to go now – please do chat again later if you can – its good to share and get it all out…..
Stay safe x*x
3rd March 2016 at 8:32 pm #10923missgiddypantsParticipant
O.M.G Ladies what is it with men ?? think we said on here years ago it’s their sense of entitlement that is hard for us ,not sure what my abuse was compared to others ,but I am so with you all on the wanting sex all the time ,I got you have periods on purpose ,never figured out how ,still wanting it even then needed satisfying so I not even get a break from it even then ,got accused of having affairs even in the early days ,and it was him that had one not me ,now he is someone who hadn’t gone through the menopause I hope Karma gets him and she goes off sex x
5th March 2016 at 4:29 pm #10995
Hi, thank you for your posts. Sorry I haven’t replied sooner, i have been working long shifts. Mixed up Mum an extra big thankyou to you because your previous posts on here was what made me realise my abuse! I do take comfort in the support of this forum and it is good to get it all out but at the same time it is absolutely shocking that there are so many women out there that have experienced/experiencing all types of abuse – some don’t even know that they are.
It has taken me a few weeks to get my head around this and I still don’t think I am there yet – it so confusing.
So, what do I do? Do I confront him with what I now know is abuse? If I do, I am concerned that he will turn it around on me and say I am to blame because I don’t want it anymore (he has done this before) leaving me to doubt myself and the way I am feeling and make me feel guilty.
The other thing I struggle with is, I don’t want to insult him (as crazy as this seems) – I don’t want to cause hurt and pain because he could become defensive and then do the old ”hands up, can’t go near you now” type of thing making me feel rotten again. On the other hand if I don’t say anything, then how long can I live like this and keep this pretense up for?
He is already questioning my behaviour towards him – since i have found out what has been happening to me – I find myself on the defense, I nit pick at things he says when I didn’t before, I have found myself arguing with him over what to watch on tv when it has never bothered me before (he has always had the last say on what to watch). I have found out that he is an emotional abuser too but that is for another time. How often does different types of abuse cross over? Can sexual/emotional abuse turn to violence? How safe am I?
Sending hugs x
6th March 2016 at 12:55 am #11019Red1Participant
You’re picking up on all the little things that he’s managed to subtly gain control of such as the TV, your own body etc and you’re beginning to sense that yes you do have rights, you do have a say! His reaction when you challenge him will tell you how he sees you; “partners” in relationships share things like TVs and respect each other’s personal space, for instance, gaining clear consent before sexual contact. So if he reacts negatively he doesn’t see you as a partner so much as someone he controls. Especially when he tries to turn your concerns around on you and blame you for HIS behaviour!
Re violence – I’m like you, I didn’t think I was being abused because I hadn’t been hit but I’ve read so many EA stories now I know the truth. I’ve told my problems to doctors and counsellors and I minimised it – “I’m quite safe because he wouldn’t hurt me. Well he has hurt a few times but didn’t mean to” etc etc. He “playfully” had his arm round my neck from behind a few weeks back, it hurt to swallow afterwards, “didn’t realise”. I’m only recently realising how controlled that move was, I’m pretty small and he certainly does know he can physically hurt me quite easily. Other women on here have been abused like us (not physically) but quite often once the abuser realises he’s losing control of her he does cross that line. Not trying to scare you but just bear it in mind, stay safe x
6th March 2016 at 8:23 am #11026
Hi Titanium – awww (((((BIG CUDDLES)))))
Thank you for your kind words.
Yes it is good to talk on here and share things, there is so much support on here it’s great – there is always someone who will listen and advise you – you are never alone – there is always someone who has been through what you are going through – and knows how you feel.
Yes it will take time to let it sink in what you have been suffering IS abuse.
Me and my ex tried time and time again to sort things out and make it work – he always promised he would stop – but never did…..
He would not leave the family home so in the end me and the kids had no option but leave….I took the ‘cowards’ way out – I locked him out – gathered a few things together and left before he got back. So we never had the rows and fighting – I could not cope with rows – that’s why I stayed for so long to affraid to argue with him – just thinking about it all now brings it flooding back…..
He WILL try and put the blame on to you – saying things like you never show him any love and affection, you never kiss or cuddle him etc – and WHY is this – it’d because his CONSTANT sexual harassment has destroyed any feelings you ever had for him.
How can you love someone who constantly does that to you – but the thing is HE sees NO wrong in what he does – to him he feels it’s his RIGHT to have sex with you as and when HE wants to.
You know as well as I do – if ever you paid the least bit of attention to him or let him near you he would be right in there ‘trying for sex’ it was never ‘JUST’ a cuddle or ‘JUST’ a kiss he wanted – it ALWAYS had to lead to more – eventually that wears you down so much that you can’t stand to be touched by him – or even be NEAR him or look him in the eye…..
And do WHO’S fault is it then…..you KNOW who’s fault it is, and DON’T let him tell you otherwise!!!!
The bitterness and resentment only grows and grows the longer you stay with him – I know I stayed WAY too long, and in the end no love could survive in that marriage – he had killed it all with his actions – the controlling – and the sexual harassment. There was no way we could ever ‘fix’ what was wrong in our marriage…..
It gets to the stage where you can’t even look at him or talk to him anymore, and everything he does irritates you.
Keep in touch – we’re always here for you to listen and advise.
8th March 2016 at 11:38 am #11110
Hi Titanium – how are you today? x*x
9th March 2016 at 2:13 pm #11152
Hi mixed up mum, to be honest I don’t know how I am feeling! I have just finished reading, Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. It is a very insightful book, I can see my partner in lots of different areas of the book. I am feeling kind of numb at the moment and I don’t know if it’s because I have gained more knowledge in what’s happening to me or what? It almost feels like knowledge is power and I am possibly starting to feel stronger. He is sensing something from me though – as if I know something and I am not letting him on it. In some ways, it is easier to feel something rather than nothing!
I do know, that, I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I will have to leave one day because at the end of the day, it is abuse and I really don’t think there is anyway of fixing it. The damage is already done. I don’t think he will ever admit that he is an abuser to seek the help that he needs and I am not really sure that I want to fix it now anyway, it’s gone too far xx
9th March 2016 at 2:49 pm #11156
Hi Titanium – good to hear from you!! 🙂
I have not read that book, as I’m not a great reader – last book I read was 30+ yrs ago!!!!
But I have heard loads of women on here say its a good book.
That’s good you are starting to feel stronger.
Like you I knew the day would come when I’d finally leave him – it was just a matter of waiting until I finally could take NO MORE -and eventually realised it was now or never…..and I just had enough and started packing our bags and left him…..
As with yours, my ex would never, and will never, admit what he did to me was in fact abuse.
To be honest by the time I left him I felt nothing for him but hatred and anger – I even wished he was dead – just so I could be free of his abuse and free from his control I was SO unhappy – and by that time there was no ‘fixing it’ – it had gone on for way too long and not an ounce of love survived in that marriage.
There just reaches a point where you say to yourself enough is enough, and nothing he will ever say or do will ‘fix it’.
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