6th February 2021 at 1:27 pm #121211
So, I went for my (detail removed by moderator) today.
Thought it would be a breeze. It wasn’t.
Queueing up just got worse and worse….this guy spoke to me, just being a friendly guy, and I could feel myself losing control.
Then, the nearer I got to getting the vaccine, this male helper kept telling me to change queues but I was in the queue for a female nurse, and all the other nurses I could see were male, and I am not ready.
So, I cling to the wall – unable to talk – until I get into the cubicle, and I lose it. I had to write the nurse a note because I couldn’t speak for tears and fear.
So many men just standing there, waiting and minding their own business…not even noticing me let alone hatching plans to hurt me, but I can’t handle it.
Even my stupid mascara wasn’t on my side today….I look like a water-coloured panda that got left out in the rain.
I know it will get better, and I know I can’t hide away, and I know that men exist, and I know that some of them are OK…but right now I just wish they just existed as far away from me as possible.
6th February 2021 at 4:49 pm #121222HawthornParticipant
Oh what an awful experience for you. I think for anyone in these pandemic times to be in crowded place like that is stressful, and extra triggering when you have experienced domestic abuse. The first few months I was out I had severe anxiety whenever I left the house- and I was staying with family hours away from my abuser. I flinched at every man walking past, was terrified my abuser would appear from behind a bush or an alley, every car was his etc
It was the PTSD as a result of the trauma. And it’s gone away now thank goodness with the help of time, counselling and mindfulness. Please reach out for professional support if you haven’t already, it’s been a game-changer for me.
And you should be proud of yourself too; you were frightened and stressed but you stuck it out, you figured out a means of communication even though your voice was frozen in fear and you faced that difficult situation. Courage is being scared and doing it anyway. That’s what you have. Courage and bravery. Be very kind to yourself.xx
6th February 2021 at 9:23 pm #121243HettyParticipant
I literally can’t stand to see a man. Most days when I pass them in the street or at the shops I just see hideous monsters. They might as well all have “abuser” tattooed on their foreheads. I was at the shops (detail removed by moderator) and this really large man was stood really close to me and spoke to me horribly when I moved away so that we were maintaining appropriate social distance. I cried for the rest of the shopping trip feeling so violated.
I hope this passes for us all in terms of this world view xx
7th February 2021 at 10:52 am #121272
Thank you Hawthorne I appreciate your kind words. xx
7th February 2021 at 10:55 am #121273
Oh, Hetty….you and me both!
I feel so scared all the time and I don’t feel I can move forward at all.
I reported my abuser to the police, he was arrested and is under conditional bail but he lives really really close to me…(detail removed by moderator)!
I know that people are just being people, but there are way to many people out there and I can’t relax. I’m looking for his car all the time (it’s a really popular model, so I have major panics every time I see one).
7th February 2021 at 1:18 pm #121280HettyParticipant
Ah I’m not surprised you’re feeling so unsettled. Is there anything in addition that the police or local domestic abuse service could do to help you feel safer xx
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