Different tactics?

[iliketea]

Hi, Im randomly posting on here a bit lately, seems to be the only place for support. Feeling very very down and scared and worried and exhausted and at the end. I’m usually really resilient but I can’t seem to bounce back. He’s not stopping, on and on and on. Im beginning to be a prisoner in my own home, especially with these storms. I don’t have a car and hes just gone out, said he’d be (detail removed by moderator) and came back (detail removed by moderator) later, making me just wait and wait.

I read other people’s stories and the biggest thing that worries me is that in the whole list of what he does, he doesn’t do that constant surveillance thing and he NEVER apologies. He couldnt care less who I was with, or what I was wearing, or doing. He never asks me about me day, he never asks who Im with if I go out, never asks how I am, just not interested at all. But this seems to be a constant theme with everyone else, so am I just imagining things? The things he does do are:
Won’t let me speak
Talks over me
Im not allowed an opinion ever
I’m always wrong
If I cry or talk about my feelings Im making it up, being crazy, over reacting, “emotionalising” (his word)
He’s not interested in sex but watches a lot of porn, he hasn’t slept in the bedroom for years
He never asks me about me
If something serious happens he never asks me how I am or about it
He doesn’t help with children
He never cooks
He doesn’t pay any interest to finances, I have to manage it all, including when we go into debt (spent all my personal savings from before on this behaviour)
Im not allowed to drive the car – he says because its a company car he cant put me on the insurance, but this has always been the case before company car, wont ever let me drive the car – even when it was mine in the early days
I dont’ currently work so cant afford my own car – he wont help buy me one.
He puts out the bins – this is the only house thing he does
He does his own laundry – will remove everyone elses and only wash his own
He focuses on one younger child not the older one – full focus, is always ticking off the older one.
He has thrown a tin of paint at the wall, punched walls
Is this abuse?

[Escapee]

Hi Iliketea,

Yes, that’s very much abuse. In your list I recognise emotional abuse, control and physical…..the throwing of stuff is physical intimidation.

He sounds a real piece of work!

Have you contacted a DA worker? A lot of information out there doesn’t always fit our experiences and it really helps to have validation, talking to someone who understands will really help.

And yes, this is one place you will definitely get support…..I’d be lost without the wonderful women that are holding my hand through this.

[Cecile]

Yes sounds like my oh. He didn’t do the sexual jealousy thing. I am much younger than him. instead he insulted me relentlessly about my looks and my body (Nasty stuff) and rejected me sexually and emotionally. the crazy making bit was that he insisted I was his, married to him. It was the same control imo as if he had been surveilling me. I was so over controlled by him he didn’t need to. He is I have realised too late extremely in control of his emotions and moods and very aware of everything, has insight into others but most of the time seems to be almost autistic. not responding to me or showing emotion. Seemed to have uncontrollable rages which I now know where planned. Throwing things near you is abuse. Refusing to meet your emotional and physical needs is abuse. sounds like he has no empathy with your needs at any level. he may even hate you but need to be in control of a female as a sort of card board cut out pastiche of a family. It will help you if you can think about this slowly and dev flop your get out plan. Small steps, get your ducks lined up. Tell your gp. your local DV service. The police. Get legal advice.

[iliketea]

Thank you. Yes it does feel like he hates me. I don’t understand why he wants to be with me. Except I suppose I cook, clean, look after his children and sort out everything! I used to wonder if he was autistic, googles it loads. Then I thought maybe bipolar as its in his family. But then a while back I started researching it.

I do have a case worker (after GP referral) but she often cancels because she has to be in court, she went 2 months not seeing me over christmas with no back up support – which is the other reason Im wondering if it really is serious abuse…if it was really serious wouldnt she always see me, or someone else, and check in but she seems really distant most of the time. Maybe overworked, I dont know, but I don’t feel very supported by her. She said Im high risk but then sort of left me with that because they dont do counselling anymore because of funding, she doesnt really do that side of things, she seems to be more practical, if I cry in front of her she’s not really kind, she just gives me a tissue, its really weird. Maybe she’s seen it all before. Sometimes she just doesnt turn up, the last time I sat waiting for a couple of hours, texted and called, she finally replied and said she was with the police dealing with someone who had been raped – it made me feel really bad.

I am getting legal advice soon. Police. Can I really call the police? Its so covert. Often not in front of children. Often just me there.

[Headspinning]

It does sound like abuse. My husband doesn’t obsess about who I talk to or what I wear albeit I can remember occasionally in the early days if someone had tried to chat me up it would have been my fault. He was never keen on me going out with friends socially but would deny it – then create an argument about something else.
I don’t have much violence either – again occasional moments in the worst of arguments being shoved, grabbed. I remember him kicking a (detail removed by moderator) I was using and damaging it badly when I was getting ready to go out. Chucked a (detail removed by moderator) container once – floor still has the dent. He has a good way of making it sound like I provoked him or self defence though.
What is the abuse? I get him being strongly opinionated, not listening to my view, taking over me in an argument, bringing other things into it to score points (eg just go back to your ex) when I am not being listened to, criticised, talked over, shouted at, bossed about, I’ll eventually crack and I’ll be the one shouting. And that works out great for him because he can then say – it was you who was doing all the shouting, you are just as bad now as I used to be. You are the I’ve with problem now.
As for the financial thing – we have a joint account and he never considers what he has contributed to it, he just spends and I’m left having to juggle from one account to the other. He is self employed and finds it pretty easy to just take the day off when it suits him. Blames the economy or his website or time of the year – never occurs to him to try and find work or take a part time job to supplement things. Don’t get me wrong – he’s not lazy and has done some significant home improvements when he was quiet. But it frustrates me because there is no discussion about whether he can afford to just take a few months off to do the improvement project and no acknowledgment of the financial burden it puts on me. He doesn’t spend wildly but when he wants something he just gets it – he just doesn’t plan and expects me to be fine with that. It can be smoke and mirrors too – I went through the bank account this week for last year and by I take his expenditure off what he’s paid in it’s not leaving much for me to then put towards household. Not financial abuse but certainly taking me for a bit of a mug I think.
He also watches porn (but that’s my fault too of course for not having much interest in that dept!). Other partners deny their porn habits. Mine doesn’t see anything wrong with doing it regardless of how I might feel.
It’s his way or the highway. Initially he did loads of housework and was fussy – creating arguments if I left things out of place. Then he would start to leave me and the kids notes with chores we were to do. Got to the point when we seemed to be doing all the chores as he directed us!
Double standards – he can look at his phone but goes in a huff if I look at mine.
Over reacts to what should be a minor. Disagreement which spirals it. Will then refuse to attend an event we were due to go to go to together. But when he decides it’s over then I’m just to forgive and forget.
Of course if that was the full story it would all be over – he can also be kind and fun, happy to watch a box set of my choosing. Happy for me to plan the holiday. Sometimes brings me flowers, tells me he loves me. Done nice texts. And when he is in that mode i also question if he is really an abuser or a hot head who can’t control his temper.
Anyway – sorry for the long answer! Your points just resonated with me.

[Author]

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