- This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by HopeLifeJoy.
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13th March 2019 at 9:10 pm #74122lostturtleParticipant
Hi All,
I’m new here and reaching out as unsure where to turn. I’ve lurked in the shadows of this board for a while and some of the conversations have been quite reassuring so now it’s my turn to speak.
Stick with me. A bit of background. Split up from abusive ex (mainly emotional/mental, occasionally physical). Ex was female (not that that means anything but might add context). We were together a few years. Eventually ended months after ex moved abroad and started cheating on me (not the first time). (Detail removed by moderator) I finally got rid of all connections (house etc) though it was a hellish (detail removed by moderator) because she was still trying to control the entire time. Even now (detail removed by moderator) from that end point what I thought was end of any connection she’s still managed to contact me, I one point o nearly went to the police, and I’ve lost friends because of it (who were conduits for the contact).
Despite all that it was the best thing I ever did and I know I’m in a far better place. However, something has happened recently that’s left me questioning and doubting who I am and how much impact the abusive relationship has had on me in forming friendships.
Not too long ago I got involved in an activity and through that have made some good friends relatively quickly. Everything seemed great, I was helping out with some tasks for the activity, offering assistance based on skills I have. One person in particular seemed to be really grateful of my help and we struck up what I thought was a strong friendship. She has also had a number of personal issues and seemed happy to confide in me, despite the fact I wasn’t pushing, and I shared a lot with her.
I thought everything was okay, until the other day when off the back of a flippant comment I made (I thought I was being funny, she blatantly didn’t) she snapped and soon followed up with the fact she thought I was sharing personal things she’d told me with other people. She wouldn’t let me speak and couldn’t justify what I was supposed to have told people.
I felt horrendous over the weekend. She told me not to go to the activity and blocked me on a chat app. I was literally questioning every aspect of what she’d said and getting more and more guilty that I must have done something terrible even though I couldn’t figure out what, almost convincing myself that I was to blame. I know this is a classic of my past and know I’m capable of doing this.
A few days later she contacted me to say we should still do the same activity but not discuss the issue with other people there and chat later in week. Fine by me. As soon as I got there (no one else present) she said she couldn’t not discuss it and proceeded to recount endless things I’d said to her over months that she believed I was deliberately trying to insult her, or poke fun at her, or belittle her capabilities. I was absolutely mortified and very upset. Now I’m not claiming some of what I said could be taken the wrong way if you want to look at it that way, but in everything I’ve done or said I thought it to either be a bit of fun because I truly believed we were at that level with our friendship, or advice to help on a professional level. She said that none of her other friends would ever dreamt of speaking to her in the way I have. We got through the activity with other people but I literally couldn’t wait to leave as it was very difficult to have been told all of that, again not being allowed to speak aside from trying to portray that I had never shared any personal info with others which was the other thing that kept coming up. She seems to have decided that I’ve done things I haven’t and no amount of protest is going to help.
The fact is I really admire this woman and in all that’s gone on in the last few years where I became a shell of myself (you can only be told you’re useless so many times) I finally felt like it found someone I could be myself with and also use the work-based skills I have to help out (which until now she couldn’t be more grateful but now that’s become overstepping the line and offering unwanted advice because I think she can’t do it herself).
I have gone through so many emotions in the last few days that if I’m not occupied I’m sat in a slump wondering what the hell has happened and how to resolve this. I’ve questioned who I am and went through a good few days of self doubt, believing I’m a terrible person, believing I’ve become the controlling person that my ex was to me. But then the cloud clears a bit and I think is it me or is it her issues using me as a scapegoat. And then I go back to beating myself up. The thing is, I’ve found talking to be a great tool, but this time, because of the activity we’re involved in and six degrees of separation, plus the fact there is a wider friendship group involved that currently (or so I’m told but I’m a little unsure about that too) know nothing of the situation I literally don’t know who to talk to. Because all of this has stemmed from the fact she thinks I’ve shared personal info about her I’m so so wary that I can’t speak to anyone with all the detail as that would be betraying that confidence (one which she thinks I’ve already broken but I have no intention of doing). I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. It took a lot to let someone in after everything that’s happened and I’ve been left feeling very similar to how I used to when my ex would blame me for something that wasn’t my fault but I’d end up believing it was or at least admitting to something I hadn’t done just to end the argument. I’d be really grateful of some advice. I don’t want to walk away from the friendship as there’s so much more to lose than one person but if I don’t resolve this that’s what will happen. All or nothing.
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13th March 2019 at 10:17 pm #74127freedomtochooseBlocked
Hello hon,
I’m not sure about your situation and definitely don’t pretend to know all the answers.I do know, from my own experience of an abusive relationship that afterwards I found it hard to trust and still do. I actually arrived at the point where I don’t think this is a bad thing.
What I’m trying to say is maybe ‘wind it back’ for yourself.
Return if you can to your own needs, and that means – as simple as what do you want to have for breakfast? what kind of films do you like? do you like this group at all? or would you rather be doing something different?
Wondering (and maybe google traumatic bonding) why you feel this is an all or nothing scenario. I don’t think it is lovely, I think you are caught up in something that goes by the name of traumatic bonding.
This is a really difficult thing, believe me. But we, as survivors of abuse need to understand how it works.
You don’t need to go back to this group…
If you choose to, it can be on your terms. Not hers. Or anyone else’s.
Don’t go. Or go. Or go sometimes when you feel like it. Or always go. Without her. Or go with a friend. Lots of possibilities open to ‘normal, non-abusive relationships’. Lots. Not one, curtailed by a seemingly dysfunctional person.
I am in empathy. This is not an easy situation. other women on here will advise also.
take care
ftc
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13th March 2019 at 11:23 pm #74128IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there and welcome to the forum. This person has thrown a huge spanner in the works haven’t they. It certainly sounds a lot like manipulation and gaslighting going on.
Abuse is abuse my lovely, doesn’t matter our gender 💔 that’s what I love about this forum, there’s no-one making judgements just unconditional love and belief in what’s happened to each and every one of us. 💛💞
We are advised to go at least two years before embarking on another relationship. It gives us time to work out what we need and want for us, not what we do to make others happy.
I’m glad you managed to end your other relationship, it’s very hard to let go. Definately look into traumatic bonding, FOG created by these relationships(fear,obligation and guilt).
It sounds as if this person is quite damaged and toxic herself and as such would be good to keep your distance. Try not to feel guilty, whether you did or didn’t say things to others(for the record I don’t think you have, she’s making out you have(gaslighting- making you doubt your reality)😒 they are very good at it, please don’t give this person any more of your head space. Remember it’s all a game, they have to be right, trying to prove you did or didn’t say anything, or saying to others(thus proving in her eyes you did talk about her all along) can you see how confusing this is just writing it, that’s how a manipulator tries to make you feel. To do so, so early on, it’s extremely frightening. I dread to think what or where that relationship could have ended if she hadn’t shown her true colours so early on.
Reading your post and the things she’s saying you’re supposed to have said about her, it’s making me think that those are things she’s said but is trying to project it as if you have said it, and by seeming so true and earnest you’re doubting your recollection. These people are master liars, the poker face my oh has he should be loaded if he played poker. Also remember these people have to be the centre of attention, it sounds as if you were getting more attention than she was, people going to you for help because of the skills you were bringing to the activity! Read back your post, and where she’s accusing you of belittling her, talking about her, take it as her confession that that’s what she’s been doing to you, that’s why she doesn’t want you there or talking to others.
My oh did something similar, we were at a night out, he said (detail removed by moderator) I took him at his word. I went the next day to apologise and clear the air. They looked at me as if I was crazy cos it never happened. He didn’t realise I’d intended in doing that or else he’d have stopped me somehow.
This person is not worth your respect and most certainly not worth time to explain things away.
There are many books our there, many refer to the abuser as him as the majority of abusers are male, but abusers in same sex relationships abuse in the same way, some tactics are different but the dynamics are the same. Keep posting sweetheart, learn about the destruction left in their wake. knowledge is power and you have us now. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet, they are great listeners, will advise on anything and never force you to do anything you’re not ready to do. If you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one instead.
Again welcome, 💜💛
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕 -
14th March 2019 at 12:17 am #74130AnonymousInactive
I think its always really hard when someone you trust lets you down and is pretty nasty in doing this.
I’ve tried to protect myself by letting no one close enough to hurt me. I have people I’m friendly with and to protect lo, I pretend they’re friends. But I don’t think I will ever trust anyone to that level again.
You can give it a try to see if you can build relationships with other people, but I would back away from this lady. She has told you that she is not a real friend. Real friends do not do this.
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16th March 2019 at 11:35 am #74292HopeLifeJoyParticipant
Hi Lostturtle,
Welcome to the forum, it looks like your friend is blaming you alooooot. It sounds very familiar to my ex, it sounds abusive, controlling, dramatic. Why would she go on and on about something and doesn’t even give you the opportunity to explain yourself and clear up the misunderstanding? It sounds like she doesn’t want to do. A non-abusive person would want to clarify whatever you discussed and get over it an enjoy together the activity. This friend sounds like she is after drama, doesn’t respect you and wants everything to be done her way. She sounds very controlling.
Right from the start so imagine what it will like a little further down the line. Abusive people only get worse. Get away fast from her is my advice to you. No apologies. No information. Just go grey rock then no contact. Never use JADE with a controlling person. JADE as in:
J = Justify
A = apologise
D = defend
E = explainThere are plenty of nice decent people that are honest, peaceful, funny, loving, smart with whom you can genuinely enjoy your time. Abusive people enjoy the opposite. So stick with the nice people, the ones who easily interact with others on an equal level, those are the ones who are generally real.
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