Disappointed in myself

[Sad and alone]

So it’s been a while since I really reacted to his behaviour but it just burst out of me (timeframe removed by Moderator) as I’d had enough. I feel like I’ve let myself down as I try so hard not to react and remain calm.

It’s been a culmination of things. These unsubtle digs talking about people that sulk/hide away/cry – all things he accuses me of. Or maybe referencing other people and how well they’re doing and how he admires them. Even people that are horrible towards us he says he takes his hat off to them as they’re getting what they want and they’re really clever or smart. Going to meet someone for a coffee and get told can’t I see them in the evening. Then someone I’m messaging I get told I should go and see them in person. Constant talk of you people, or you humans. Criticism, dismissive of any ideas I have about things. I’ll do things and be told how he used to do them much better.

[Sad and alone]

Couldn’t deal with the moaning any more. There’s something every day. Just blew and said can he stop moaning at me. Over stupid stuff. Nothing important. Just like every opportunity. Of course that was it and he starts shouting. Says I’m (quote removed by Moderator). Evil. The usual. I say we need a divorce. He obvs doesn’t love me but this seems to annoy him. I say (quote removed by Moderator). It’s like I’m here for him to treat how he wants and shouldn’t question it. I usually just tell myself in my head that what he says is bs and ignore it and wait til it passes and carry on as normal but it’s so hard. I don’t want to listen to someone slagging me off. Especially the one person who shouldn’t be doing it.

[Sad and alone]

Also got hurt as I bought him something and he rejected it. Hard to explain. He’d gone away for a day for work. This thing turned up so when he got in he saw it. It was kind of a joke item. Like I said hard to explain without being too specific. Thought it was different and he’d be like ah weird, let’s see what happens with it. But instead he was really incredulous, saying how it looked sh!t, and how he hoped I didn’t spend a lot of money on it and how I should be thinking about ways to make money not be wasting it on rubbish. Almost cried. Years ago he would’ve reacted the way I expected him too. I’d forgotten he’s a different person now. Sad.

[minimeerkat]

sending such a kind warm big hug your way – you havent let yourself down.  you tolerate so much.  you always do your very best.  i am so sorry your partner has upset you with his response to your gift – i also experienced this so know exactly how you would have felt.  you are not who your partner says you are – and you are not the problem.  stay as safe as you can.  thinking of you x

[Sad and alone]

Thanks MM. I think I keep forgetting he’s not who I think he is either. Like the person he was before when we met. That’s not him now. I don’t like who he is now. After the recent argument he was a little bit kind of meek and mild but now I just get this feeling where he’s got the hump or feeling hard done by again. So tired of it all. I hate the cycle where you think things are okay, or you even know they’re not but you just don’t want the hassle of being at war with someone. Feel like such a weak person. He’s right, I don’t have any pride or self respect, else I wouldn’t still be here like a mug.

[minimeerkat]

it makes sense that you are not seeing the person he was in the early days as usually they show enough of the good stuff initially to convince us they are someone we want to be with.  and i hope you can see that everything your partner says or does to upset you is completely disregarded once you react to it – because our reactions then become the problem.  any hurtful behaviour says everything about your partner – its quite possible its a projection of his own faults onto you. i think you do have your pride & self respect because in your heart you know the way your partner treats you is unacceptable – making you at times stand up for or defend yourself.  and you are not weak – its just that you have been worn down for such a long time now & probably feel mentally/emotionally exhausted.  but your inner strength is still there & it will continue helping you get through this x

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