Disappointed in myself

[Anonymous]

I miss him for the first time since I left and feel so disappointed in myself for it. I thought I was doing OK and I wasn’t wrestling with the conflicting thoughts anymore but it’s really hard and I don’t think I could say this or talk to anyone who would understand without worrying them that I want to go back. I’m seeing lots of reminders of the “better” times. I know they were few and far between by the end so I’m not under any illusions that’s how it was.

I just feel really alone and missing the albeit false reassurance he used to give and who I thought he was/what I was convinced for so long what “could’ve been”. I don’t think I’ve admitted to myself or allowed myself to grieve this part of it, mostly because I realise this didn’t really exist and I know it’s not a reflection of how things really were. I was miserable with him and I know this. I’m not about to starting telling him I miss him or anything – I just want this feeling to go away. I just really loved him and it’s so painful to accept everything that happened.

Can anyone share what helped get them through these times?

Why does a breakup with an abusive person feel like a regular break up on steroids?!? If it weren’t already enough to just deal with what happened, the maddening spirals just keep coming! It’s like I’ve forgotten how to just be a person without feeling crazy ups and downs and emotionally yo-yoing

[KIP.]

Have you googled trauma bonding? You also have to grieve for this relationship and the hopes and dreams that came with it, also the good times of which I’m sure there were many, it’s how we stay hooked in. It’s almost like breaking a drug addiction so zero contact is important. Be very kind to yourself, you won’t always feel this way. It helped me to write down all the incidents of abuse and how they made me feel, when I felt I was missing him I replaced a good memory with an abusive one. Retraining my brain. Abusers themselves the centre of our world so there’s gonna feel like a big hole there. It could also be that you just miss being in a relationship and the good things that go with it, not necessarily him x

[Scarecrow]

Hi CuriousB,

I want to start by saying that you are not alone, so many of us go through this and it is nothing like a ‘normal’ break up.

As KIP says, have you googled trauma bonding? There are so many resources on the internet and even videos on youtube which explain all about it. I found watching those videos and talking to other people like me helped me massively. I have been out of this relationship for a long time (years) and i still have moments when I just want him back. It takes me a couple of days to get this out of my head. In my head i miss the ‘safety’ and ‘security’ that i had with him, but when i really think about it and not allow myself to think with my heart instead of my head, I remember that actually I was neither safe or secure and that the vast majority of the issues that i have were because of him. He gives the impression that he has changed and that his new life is so great, but he can’t fool me any more.

Have a look on Amazon as well, there is something called Kindle Unlimited (which is about £8 a month) and there are so many books on there about toxic relationships which you can borrow and then return electronically. You dont have to have a kindle either, you can download an app onto your phone.

Also – have you heard of the Freedom Programme? I have done this and it really did help me masses. If you have a local Domestic Violence Charity it would be worth getting in touch and seeing if they offer it. I was able to do the course in the evening and it gave me so much information and tools to be able to move forward.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. This kind of thing takes time and patience, look after yourself and keep posting.

Hugs, Scarecrow x

[Tenerifeseaoth]

I can understand this feeling all too well and it’s a hard and confusing feeling to have. I’ve felt like this more recently but you’ve made the right decision to talk it out here and not reach out to him, That’s brave in itself and something you should be proud of. The no contact is the best thing, not easy but the best.

I am with Scarecrow and KIP, Trauma bond is worth looking into. I have spent a little bit of time looking into it, just to try and see how this might help me make sense of how i’m feeling and it’s helped. I have also written things down too, a timeline as such, and it helps to get things in black and white in front of you and help process them and understand why you left in the first place.

You will spend time going back and forth but you are on the right path, you’ve done the hardest thing by leaving and now it’s time for you to start to heal. Every day will be different, some will be harder than others, Be kind to yourself and trust that things will be ok. Reach out to us here or maybe your local womens aid support? They will be able to offer support and give you an outlet.

I was once told by a professional that a break up/loss is a grieving process. At the start, the grief consumes you, it is present in every thing you do and think, you are consumed by it (it fills your body). Overtime the grief you are carrying starts to fall into your everyday, The grief will never disappear completely, it will just become more manageable as life gets bigger around it (it only fills half your body). As life gets bigger, the grief starts to shrink, It will always be present in your body, (think of it as the size of your fist), but new life expands around it. New adventures and memories build space for a future of happiness and healing. You will always have that grief, you’ve experienced it, but you can carry it and still be happy, it doesn’t have to consume you anymore.

Allow yourself time to feel the things you are feeling, They are ok.

Keep talking and take care.

Sending hugs xx

[Bananaboat]

I’ve felt similar this week, after mainly feeling numb it’s a bit overwhelming but I think the nice weather is a trigger. Also Father’s Day and how in nice weather we’d do stuff, I’m also reminding myself how those good times turned sour so it’s not all rosy in my head. I definitely miss the idea of him, what we could’ve been but he won’t have changed, so stay strong. I like the bit where you say it can feel like a break up on steroids at times, it can and I think because no one else really gets it makes it harder and feel more alone. I’m certainly going to pinch some of the tips here to help, and always remember this feeling is ok & it will pass. Big hugs for now though x*x

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