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    • #133863
      Scared and sad
      Participant

      Hi, I am new to this site and posted for the first time this week. Despite now only seeing my partner on a limited basis, I still can’t let go completely. I often contemplate what he will do to me next and convince myself that there surely is a limit. The latest tactic he has employed is when I go round to see him he refuses to put the heating on. He knows I feel the cold more than him. As I no longer live with him he just will not put the heating on. Therefore I sat watching tv with my coat on and a blanket on my legs. I am disappointed that I did not just go back home. I’m disappointed that I still want to go back round at the weekend. I feel like I’m pathetic and weak. I am frustrated with myself. I am not sure I’ll ever find the strength to let go. Sorry to waffle.

    • #133866
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s takes on average seven times before a woman finally leaves an abuser so don’t be hard on yourself. He’s pushing your boundaries to see just how much you will put up with and it will get worse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Google trauma bonding.

    • #133867
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel… Scared and sad,
      Firstly welcome to the forum, you may not actually think you have any strength or power to change things but arriving at this forum will give you lots of support and advice and is a very poignant step in you moving yourself on from this situation
      I understand it is hard to let go, even of something bad, as it has been a familiar constant in your life
      Do some research into trauma bounding … this maybe a light bulb moment for you, it certainly was for me
      Its great that you do not live with this guy, keep yourself separate from him so you have a safe place to go back to
      You have already realised that what is going on is not right and makes you feel uncomfortable, not just mentally but now actually physically sitting in a cold room
      This is about now tuning into yourself and your value. You are worth more and deserve more than to be sat in a cold room, especially as I would imagine you have a warm home to go home to?
      Start making your living environment more comfortable than his, even if its just a nice scented candle and some new cushions, the balance of being with him in his cold house will soon be out weighed by the warmth and love you invest in your home. And in time you will realise that you deserve this, not his BS & mind games
      This wont last for ever, you sound like you are just in the last stages of weaning yourself off this guy
      Get strong, start doing loads of self care, invest in yourself, this will improve your confidence and strengthen your boundaries and when your boundaries are strong you will not allow his bad behaviour. When you love something you will not allow anyone to hurt it or disrespect it, this is true too when you love yourself
      I would strongly recommend you reading or listening to Louise L Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

    • #133868
      Scared and sad
      Participant

      Thank you KIP and Darcy for your kind words and advice. It’s so comforting to have your support. Some days I feel I can let go, but I’m aware that I’m trauma bonded to this man. It makes it so hard to take the final step. I I have a yearning to see him despite his disregard of me.

    • #133869
      Darcy
      Participant

      I have been in the same situation and I understand that tremendous pull they have
      Try each time to lengthen the time in-between seeing him, and make your visits shorter
      Set theses time limits in your head before you go round, he doesn’t have to know but it puts a boundary in place for you
      Try and start to have other interests so he’s not all you think about
      I know you just want to race to the finish line now, but go easy on yourself it is a process and I am sure very soon it will just click and you will not want to see him anymore
      You have made the first step in recognising the situation, it wont be long until you can free yourself of this
      You have the forums support to help you stay strong
      D xx

    • #133870
      Scared and sad
      Participant

      Thank you Darcy x

    • #133876
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Think what advice would you give if this was your friend/mother/sister/child and try to give yourself that advice. As kip says research trauma bonding, Dr Ramani likened it to playing slot machines or those toy grabbing machines. You keep playing, knowing the chances are slim but hoping for that win.

    • #133879
      KIP.
      Participant

      Do you think the yearning is actually to see him. Or is the yearning for the man and the relationship you thought you had. Because that is just something he made up to keep you hooked in. Could it be a good relationship and feelings of being wanted that you yearn for because you will never get these from him. Write a list of all the abuse. Write a list of all the times he’s harmed you. Leaving a relationship like this is like breaking a drug habit and sometimes you just need to go cold turkey by blocking and avoiding until the craving passes and you see him no longer through rose tinted specs 🤓

    • #133893
      Scared and sad
      Participant

      Thank you all for your support and advice. It means so much,

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