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    • #42788
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I’ve just been to the police because my ex keeps trying to contact me since I ended the relationship, and I was advised to log it in case it escalates.

      Unfortunately it was a bit of a negative/disappointing experience. I’d already talked for half an hour on the phone to an operator who took details, but was asked to explain the incidents twice more. The main officer I spoke to was nice but admitted she knew very little about coercive control, and that the domestic abuse team were in a different building and not available at that time. Another police officer came in and he seemed sceptical of me. He downplayed my whole experience and even sort of accused me of making it out to be more than it was. Even worse, he asked me about my mental health and I got the feeling he thought I’d blown the whole thing up out of proportion by looking at google articles and jumping to conclusions. This is exactly the sort of thing my ex used to do – invalidation, minimising and gaslighting. He made me feel silly for even logging it which was not a good feeling, especially as it’s taken me weeks and a lot of courage to finally go there. It was like because I didn’t have a black eye and hundreds of death threats they were baffled why I’d even tell them about it.

      Neither seemed to know anything about the Coercive Control law (which I thought was terrible, why are they not trained in this, surely it’s the first thing to be aware of in domestic abuse?) but said they could give him a warning about harassment and ask him to stop contacting me, plus do a background check to make sure he’s not got a history of violent behaviour.

      Unfortunately the whole experience has made me doubt myself and feel foolish, I partly wish I’d not bothered logging it now. The only positive is that it will go on his file so that if something happens in future, it could be used to protect other women. I feel like I’ve done the right thing, it’s just a shame it wasn’t a more positive experience. It’s not like I was looking to get him prosecuted for coercive control, I just wanted to log it and for him to leave me alone so I can move on from this whole bad experience.

      No wonder domestic abuse is so rife if the police don’t take it seriously until the very final stages of escalation.

    • #42792
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, i had mixed experiences with the Police. Always ask for a domestic abuse officer to speak to and its not too late to request a meeting with one. You absolutely did the right thing. Even if the police are ignorant of the laws surrounding stalking and harrassment, you are clearly better informed. Unfortunately we rely too heavily on the law to protect us but keep reporting every incident until it ceases. Victim Support can give you more information and help and also Womens Aid. The helpline or local branch. Well done for reporting him. Its very brave but how will we stop these abusers targetting other victims and repeatedly harrassing us unless we report them.

    • #42796
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thanks Kip. It was upsetting how the male police officer seemed so skeptical of me and made a decision about the case before reading my evidence file, he made me feel embarassed and silly and like I was making stuff up about a perfectly normal man making me feel guilty.

      The trauma-bonded part of me is now extremely upset and thinks I’ve done the wrong thing because if he does stop contacting me now that is it, all the bonds are broken and for some confusing terrible reason that feels really sad even though I know he is bad news! The cognitive dissonance still partly remembers him as this sweet guy and wonders why on earth I went to the police about him!

      Ah this is really the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I now know why people stay so long in abusive relationships, there is such a strong bond you feel with the abuser that it feels devastating to break it even though you know they might kill you one day. Part of you just wants to think it will all be ok and to hug them (my ex always put himself in the position of ‘caring’ for me, I was like a child with a grazed knee who craved to be cared and looked after and he stepped into that role which felt intoxicating to me). I read a good quotation that said “I didn’t want it to be over, I wanted it to be better” which I think sums it up well – none of us wanted our relationships to be abusive, it’s devasatingly sad to realise you’re in an abusive relationship and leaving is just the most painful thing in the world despite all the abuse.

      Because he kept contacting me it was stopping me from fully moving on and breaking the trauma bonds so I guess it’s almost like ending the relationship all over again, it’s finally over now as long as he listens to the police.

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