Discarded and need help

[Kellym]

I’m sure many know me here I talk then get sucked back in I’m always suffering I then get frozen to be able to reply as I don’t have the words to face it

I found more dating apps I told him I’m done and now his making me feel like he is just getting rid of me and he truly doesn’t care I can see it

and (detail removed by Moderator) found out my husband took another woman on (detail removed by Moderator) date, I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken although I don’t know why I am shocked as I have been here before but just messages not actually meeting someone

 

(detail removed by Moderator)

but then says he didn’t want it to come to this and it’s my fault this has happened to me. I feel like I am being tortured it all stemmed from me telling him I couldn’t take being called fat and ugly any more so apparently I left him and it’s not cheating!
he had repeatedly told me he doesn’t want me any more now and has had enough of my s**t, and that he doesn’t love me any more, but now I feel like I can’t live without him and I need to make him want me

 

I know I shouldn’t feel like this, I know I should realise my worth and know I don’t deserve any of this, the last time he was messaging someone I had just (detail removed by Moderator)

he is still calling me fat and ugly still saying to me “(detail removed by Moderator)” when all I have ever wanted is him to love me enough not to hurt me physically, mentally and by. Ring unfaithful

 

my heart is breaking and I feel like I’ve done something wrong and this is my fault

 

I sometimes read back my topics on here to remind myself the abuse I have endured is probably some of the worse I have ever known but when your in it you dont allow yourself to feel it for what it is I’ve convinced myself I am wrong here and I should be trying to get him back even though I know I shouldn’t I hope that makes sense I can’t describe it any other way.

 

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated I feel worthless I don’t want to have to tell people what he has done and the worse part is I’m just focusing on the cheating not even all the other stuff he has done

 

I thought I wanted to be free but I don’t think I do, why didn’t just shut up and be who he wanted me to be and maybe it would have been ok!

please please help me be strong because right now I am not I am confused and literally feel like my hear is in physical pain from this

 

I hope everyone is ok and sorry for being rubbish on here

 

 

[minimeerkat]

you must know that there are other women on this forum who are having great difficulty separating from their partners because of the intensity of a trauma bond.  these bonds cause such agonizing & painful feelings within us – we really can suffer in exactly the same way as a heroin addict

the cravings you are experiencing will be that strong that it wont really matter how badly youve been treated – all that matters is that you feel ok, and the only way you feel ok is to be with person who has caused you so much pain.  its so hard for anyone who hasnt been through this to understand why we would even consider being with a partner after what theyve done to us

so please dont put yourself down at all – what you are going through can be excruciating.  and many women only manage to sever these bonds with appropriate support.  are you in touch with your local da service at all, or your gp – have you got family or friends supporting you.  there are also mental health helplines you can call if you dont have any support in place

abusive partners can often make us feel as if we wont survive without them, and at the moment you are still believing that you are weak & worthless – things your partner would have convinced you of.  and i dont think that it would have been enough if you did shut up & be who your partner wanted you to be – they will find fault & blame you whatever you do or dont do

i am now having trauma counselling.  i was able to sever that bond & many other women on this forum have too. i know its very early days but at least wanted you to know that with the right support it can be done – even if you are thinking its impossible x

[Bananaboat]

I was driving earlier and had one of those moments where I thought w*f, why did I stay. Like you, I got treated so horrendously yet I stayed, I too (detail removed by Moderator) but looking back now I think why, but I just kept trying and now I’m out I ask myself why did I stay. Why did I fight so hard and accept so much. One of many things that helped me when in the thick of it, was to write a list of reasons why anyone would leave/end a relationship. So it wasn’t about me it was a general list. Then I looked at my life compared to that list and ticked 90-99% of it as things I’d suffered or was suffering. And that made my brain see it differently.

 

I really like the posts where people say, what advice would you be giving your son or daughter in your shoes.

Look, its so hard when your right in the middle of it, your brain is a mess. There’s all sorts going on with the trauma bonding, hormones and chemicals, their mind games, they know what buttons to press, your fear of abandonment gets triggered and ultimately you go into survival mode! Here your brain thinks ‘better the devil you know’ than face the unknown. Mini meerkat is 100% right.

But you don’t deserve this. You know even if you’d stayed quiet this time it would just be something else. You can’t win his game as the rules keep changing. This will sound mad right now but take the fact he’s discarding you as a compliment – he needs a new, weaker supply. They only choose strong women who can cope with their 💩 and they have to be the victim. You’ve got this I promise, staying is not going to fix it. Focus on the future you want x

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