Divorcing but still feeling guilty

[CityMum]

Hello,

This is a big step for me. I feel that I have been very brave to get to this point in my life but I also have very mixed feelings of guilt and regret.

I am in the process of divorcing my husband who I have a newborn with. We were in a long term relationship before we married and the abuse started (very slowly) from the beginning of the relationship. When our relationship began there were multiple red flags which I ignored, comments about being with me because my family were wealthy, how he would rate my appearance out of ten, constantly calling me etc. It then graduated to physical abuse such as shoving, pouring drinks over me, ‘restraining’ me when I tried to leave the house whilst taking my keys and phone and locking me in. He even put his hands around my throat once and squeezed but I still didn’t leave. He was always very good at the little put down comments when gradually escalated into verbal abuse such as ‘go and die’ ‘you can’t do anything right’ etc. I stayed with him in the beginning because I was lonely after the death of a parent. But I suppose to him this was attractive as it allowed me to buy a home for us to live in and he had to contribute nothing. He was always sorry for his behaviour and would say ‘I’m sorry… but if you didn’t say X / didn’t do Y then I wouldn’t have reacted like that.’ I wound up thinking if I modified my behaviour I could make it work.

We then had a daughter who is absolutely wonderful and I truly believe that her presence saved me from him. If she didn’t come along I would still be in the relationship, the reason I finally left was because he was getting violent by punching objects, doors etc whilst I was breastfeeding her, threatening to take her away from me as I ‘had postnatal depression’ (there is absolutely no evidence of this and if I thought it was an issue I would speak to my GP immediately), shouting and swearing at me whilst holding her in only one arm and generally putting her in the middle of his abuse and not understanding that this could be very damaging to her. I knew I had to get out to stop her from either thinking his behaviour was ok or becoming terrified of him herself. I want her to see me as a strong woman and not someone who will do whatever her husband says to avoid him exploding or swearing at her.

Now we are in the process of divorce under grounds of unreasonable behaviour he has not seen her for a few weeks as I stated that only a contact centre (to begin with) would be viable. In the long term I want him to get help and then have a positive relationship with her. However I am feeling so guilty. We had a beautiful home and lifestyle and when I think about all of our good times it really hurts me to think what I have taken away from my husband and my daughter. She will never know an abusive home but will also never know her parents together and I just keep thinking that if we stuck at marriage counselling (we tried (detail removed by Moderator) months of this and eventually after he exploded when I was dropping our daughter off at our house I called the police and knew I couldn’t keep trying) maybe he could have changed and we could have our life together.

I stand to loose a lot financially from the divorce if he is unreasonable and that will directly impact on her which is also another layer of guilt. I know that I have made the correct decision and that I ignored the abuse for a long time but because there were good moments, lovely holidays etc peppered throughout the relationship I feel that I have lost something good as well as something unhealthy.

Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this and resolve the feeling of ‘taking a child away from their father’ or taking what could have potentially been a lovely life away from their child?

[fizzylem]

Hi CM, it sounds to me like you are dreaming about how it could have been, which is very normal and expected, however, your feelings are not based in reality, they stem from the what ifs.

In reality, what you are saying is, you dont want your daughter to grow up in abuse.

You also want her to have positive role models, if she sees you stuck in a miserable relationship, what does this say to her? That its ok. Our own parental relationship gives us the blueprint for our relationships in life – what does your blueprint show her? How would you like it read?

You’re feeling loss, loss of the hopes and dreams, loss of how you hoped it would be, and even loss of the relationship for her and you; you will most likely be feeling all your losses in these moments as well, which amplifies how you feel, loss seems to trigger this, there’s kind of no such thing as exereincing one loss, we seem to expereince all of our losses after each; I imagine the loss of your own father will be in the mix of your emotions, for example, are you missing the father he was and also feeling this is what your daughter will miss? Only she and you have different fathers so it is not or would not be the same.

This is part of the process and you will get past this.

Happy mum, happy baby. He can support his child and you as her mum without you living together – this is what good dads do. It’s probably better now while she is young and doesn’t know it to be any other way, rather than later, there is a lot of research out there now from grown children – they often say they wished she’s left sooner so they didnt have to endure it, its burdomesome for them; she will be fine if you go now while she is so small. It gives you chance to get the life you want and to grow into being the person you want to be and for her to experience.

Be with your feelings of loss, but do not act on them, see them for what they are. Good luck. FL.x

[diymum@1]

okay i share two sides of the coin with this one. i have a big gap between my kids. so with my first child i stayed right up to her teens the abuse got worse and worse over time – she is now very damaged as a result – our relationship was undermined by him in a huge and devastating way. my youngest daughter – the courts stopped the contact with him – we had been apart from her early years but he still had an effect on her through contact visits – she is thriving i have to say – i do get what your saying though about not having your dad around.

as fizz says (and ive payed the ultimate price) children learn from their parents, he would teach her to disrespect you. so how good a role model is he? if he cared so much about his child and you he would not behave violently towards you infront of her.kids learn much more by watching what their parents do than what they say.it really boils down to how his behaviour and attitudes are affecting YOUR relationship with your child.your her mother, and your connection with her needs take your highest priority. being with him would harm your ability to be a good mother, as you are capable off doing now, this concern has to be top of your list. so in essence spending less time around him might be better for your daughter and for her relationship with me,not worse. he is behaving in an abusive way, not you, therefore she is better in your hands – btw well done using the contact centre best option over and over take care much luv diy mum xx

[diymum@1]

you not me sorry! lol xx

[KIP.]

You are actually saving you and your child from a life of dysfunction and misery. You can rebuild the financial side but rebuilding your mental health is completely different. Getting out now will give you and chance to recover, with help. Staying with him will scar you forever. Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. I would say better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Abuse very often escalates after childbirth and I was put into a post natal depression box. My mental health was all down to the escalation of abuse behind closed doors. I’ve been away for several years but I am still in therapy. You can expect him to be as difficult and abusive as he was when you were together. Actually for me his behaviour got worse so protect yourself legally because if he has the chance he will destroy you. In his mind he is the victim now. It’s gloves off I’m afraid. Keep all the evidence you can of finances, bank statements, his abusive behaviour. Keep a journal for yourself and go total zero contact. Use a solicitor. Contact your local women’s aid too for support and keep posting. All these men behave the same way and you can learn a lot from us on here who have travelled the road you’re on. You can do this. You will get through this. Keep moving forward x

[CityMum]

I am completely overwhelmed my the kindness and advice from you all… thank you so much.

I agree with all of the above and it is so helpful to get perspective. KIP you are correct that his perspective has now changed as he believes his wife who has postnatal depression is giving up on him and taking his daughter away. In his mind I have ruined his life and he is really trying to make me feel guilty for it. I suppose his misplaced victim mentality is similar to how he would respond after one of his explosions; I made him do it, I made him feel a certain way so he had to react in the way he did.

He managed to trick me numerous times into staying by very cleverly turning things around so that I felt like a bad person who had caused everything. I would tell myself ‘it will be fine. If you don’t mention that again he won’t attack you again.’ It just feels so difficult to let go of everything I have built up around myself and enter into the unknown with my daughter. I am incredibly lucky to have a good support system from my family so I am not alone and I feel safe.

I do have a solicitor and I have stated that I want no direct contact with him and that every communication (divorce, finances, child contact etc) needs to go through the solicitors. I hope that in the future he can see her outside of a contact centre but currently that’s the only arrangement which I think is suitable.

I find it very challenging to see him as one person because in my mind there are two sides; the abusive man and the wonderful man. I saw the wonderful man less and less over the past few years and I always question if that was ever real and if the relationship had any honest foundations at all. Do abusers know exactly what they are doing all of the time? Is the controlling behaviour a conscious thing for them or are they completely in denial about what distress and pain they are causing their partner and why do they focus all of this hate on the person closest to them? xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, if you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it will give you the answers you are looking for. Abusers get a high from being abusive, and like all drugs they need more and more to feel good. This is learned behaviour which he chooses to act on. Not all children who had sh…y childhoods or were given everything they wanted go on to be abusers. Everyone of them try to justify why they are the way they are, it’s NEVER their faults. You could have been mother Theresa, he’d still have found fault with you.
Good luck
IWMB 💕💕

[CityMum]

Thank you IWMB I will order the book. He was abused as a child and grew up in an abusive home himself which is very sad and for years I would try to demonstrate that being physically or verbally abusive during an argument is not normal. He just didn’t get it at all. He thought that was how couples argued…

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