Do abusers leave their partners?

[Byzantium]

Hello ladies. I posted separately a few weeks ago but a few things have happened recently I can’t get out of my mind and need to share out loud. My partner of several years has become more and more horrible towards me since becoming engaged and buying a home together. He calls me names, criticises and becomes angry at everything I try and do around the house. He also quit his job just after taking out our mortgage and has struggled to find work since. I thought that maybe the stress of moving and not finding work was part of the reason for things getting worse and worse though the behaviour started before we moved in. He tells me he doesn’t love me, hates me, that I’m useless and other things. He took the engagement ring back. He asks who is messaging me or calling me (always family or my neat friend). He has become more insecure since moving in. I try to comfort him and be affectionate but I’m pushed away emotionally and often physically. (detail removed by moderator) after becoming angry over something being in the wrong place in the kitchen he started shouting that I didn’t care about him or I wouldn’t do that and that I’m not affectionate towards him. He complains we don’t have a physical relationship but it’s partly because he kicked me out of our room months ago. I made food later in the evening and he said it was disgusting and became upset. I tried to comfort him and he pushed me away and flailed his arms which caught me twice but didn’t cause any injury. It was only a glancing contact but it caught me by surprise. Since then he is adamant he wants to sell our home and his personal money he held back is running out. He insists we are over and he doesn’t want me because there is something wrong with me. He hasn’t attempted to move out though but he is still very cold towards me and says we are through. I had prepared a gym bag and a place to go for when I was ready but him breaking up with me and wanting to sell up has still taken me back. If he really was abusive he wouldn’t leave me? He would want me to stay? Do abusers leave their partners? He has told his family that he intends to leave me and go back to them. I am beyond confused and questioning everything now. Maybe he wasn’t abusive and it was just me being hard to live with and not giving him attention when he is finding it hard?

[Tiffany]

Firstly, your partner hasn’t left, he has threatened to leave. This is a really common abuser tactic, particularly when they sense we may be planning to leave. It upsets our plans, and we start reacting to their proposed leaving, instead of focusing on our escape, because an amicable split seems easier and better than flying by night. Or we hold off leaving the house we love because they claim they are leaving. We might even perversely be drawn into their son story, and start to believe what they tell us to shift our focus from their behaviour to ours. We start trying to work out what we have done to make them want to leave, rather than focusing on what they have done to us. I fell for that at least twice, and probably stayed for years longer than I would have done if he hadn’t pulled this trick on me. In both these scenarios they have no intention of actually leaving, they just want to distract you with the idea that you are the problem, or that they also see the problem and will help you fix it. Which keeps you in place.

In your case it also sounds like he is attempting some kind of financial abuse in the “I’m running out of money and we need to sell the house” line.

Of course, some abusers do actually leave. They find a new victim who is easier to manipulate usually, although there may be other factors too.

All in all though, I wouldn’t ditch your plan to leave because he claims he is going. He can claim that for years. Safest to separate and then sort out your legal standing with him.

[Iwantmeback]

Yes abusers leave their partners, there’s what’s called the push pull of abusive behaviour. If he follows through be prepared that he’s got someone else lined up, be also prepared that if it falls through, he’ll be back around you like the proverbial flies round s..to.
Why would someone stop working after taking on such a huge commitment? These men really live in another world. Did he think you’d take on the whole debt? This is utter financial abuse. There’s also verbal and psychological abuse going on too. I think i spoke to you a few weeks back. Ate you doing okay? I hope you’re able to eat well and taking care of your needs. He’s acting like a spoilt child. This is all too push you away, yet pulls you backing, by telling you he wants to end things. The effect it has on our self esteem, our confidence is devastating. He’s definitely being abusive. Let him go back to his parents, get some financial advice either through your mortgage lender or an independent adviser. Be careful he’s not taking loans out against the house too,protecting yourself and your credit rating is paramount.
There is nothing wrong with you, please don’t listen to him. He’s the damaged one, damaged beyond repair. No amount of loving these men is ever enough. They are emotional vampires and will suck you dry of any emotions, of the will or desire to even do basic things such as washing yourself,your hair.
Don’t try to make sense of what is going on. I spent decades blaming myself, had to be me that made him act as if he hated me. Have you looked up the FOG of abuse and the cycle of abuse. They’ll do anything to keep you second guessing.
The amount of times my oh would throw his plates off good as it wasn’t what he’d asked fir and of course it was me who always cleaned it up. How much attention do they need, how much affection do they need, what you show and give is never enough. Please try and get him out of your life. You sound as if you can’t take anymore. Once at rock bottom there’s 2 ways out. One is in a box the other is to fight back, I don’t mean physically here. By growing in confidence,by doing things fir yourself, that is fighting back. Its not usually possible to do so until you’re out of the relationship. Please remember that once you call time, that is when he could become more dangerous. If you are afraid of what his reaction would be to you ending the relationship that’s also a good indicator that you’re in an abusive relationship. Contact WA, they can go through a safe exit plan with you. I planned mine like a military operation. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a really good book that we recommend to each other.try practicing ‘grey rock’s, the are some good youtube videos on how to do this. It’s basically where you make yourself as boring as possible. Hex comes into the room where you are a you leave. Give one word answers or ignore totally if you can. Your safety is paramount, you’ll know him best. Have you kept journals of his behaviour, if not start doing so. Dates,times, if anyone was present, how it made you feel. Jyst write down your thoughts, it’s a great way to log his behaviour and to also Get it out of your system. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. Best of luck
IWMB 💞💞

[Hetty]

Some abusers do leave their partners for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s because they want to go on and abuse someone else. Some don’t. I don’t think it’s a hard fast rule. Whether he does leave or not how he is treating you is extremely abusive.
As others have said many of these men say they’re going to leave but they never do. It’s just another abusive tactic.
Don’t listen to a word he says. Imagine his words sliding off you like water off a ducks back. If he says it’s all you and other c**p just tell him you’re sorry he feels that way. Get him out ❤️

[deathangel]

Byzantium, this sounds like my story. I stayed for (details removed by moderator) after we bought the house together. He had suffered “depression” (details removed by moderator) solidly at home from work in this time…yes, abusers do leave, but not usually straight away, not without a fight/struggle/a bit more push/pull. Mine threatened to leave, to sell the house several times when things did not go his way or he lost the plot, had enough, became angry at me, etc. The first threat to leave it all was just a few months after we signed the mortgage papers, etc.

I told him he had to go this time. And he has. He already has a new girlfriend (victim), though, this time, so he has had something to move onto and focus on…

Concentrate on you, your exit plan and stick to your guns. I waited far too long, scared of the unknown, when I should have acted and moved forward! Don’t let anything he says manipulate you, it is all lies and meant to hurt, manipulate, coerce and cajole you…do not be fooled.

[Cecile]

I agree that it reads as if he may have had or has someone else lined up. I am going through this at the moment and it is hell. Suddenly dumped and treated even more badly and cruelly, although he denied anything was going on, and now hovering back around me. Seems to have fallen through for him and now I am trying to get free after the humiliation of his excruciating behaviour to me.In retrospect it has happened several times in the past but I was too gullible to admit it to myself although all the signs were there.

Please do as everyone advises it is the only solution.

[Byzantium]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and more than anything for listening. I feel like I’ve been going around in circles second guessing myself so much this year. Thank you Iwantmeback for your posts. It’s really given me a lot to think about and helped me look at things differently.
This (detail removed by moderator) has been a rollercoaster. He told his family we were over and this led to a family meeting where the issues in the relationship were diagnosed as me not being affectionate towards him and ‘leading’ him/taking charge of the situation. Oddly his family took me to one side and said that they were there for me and knew something was going on. I suggested going out for a day (detail removed by moderator) and decorating for Christmas but I was ignored and not answered. I suggested this again (detail removed by moderator) and he replied that he was surprised I had even bothered to remember about it and I should have brought it up again sooner after he had ignored me. He said he didn’t want to do anything but I could do as I please because he didn’t care. I spend a lot of my lunch breaks in work dealing with the developers of our house, trades, suppliers and utility companies because he doesn’t want to deal with it but he looks down on the work I do as not good enough. I’ve found a second job. My last employer was willing to create a job for me doing whatever hours I could over evenings and weekends around my main job (full time) which I thought was amazing. My main employer has said they would like me to consider covering my line manager (detail removed by moderator) and are willing to pay thousands for me to do some qualifications which would help my career. Even if I didn’t want to do it I thought it was nice to be recognised for working hard. He just said ‘what’s the point? Why would you want to bother doing that?’ which was deflating. I He said (detail removed by moderator) that I hadn’t changed. His cup of tea wasn’t hot enough because I was trying to (detail removed by moderator) on the phone at the same time. I feel like maybe he wants to go home because his money is running out because he feels safe there. I have suggested I could cover his (detail removed by moderator) payment along with the other bills using my second job but I can’t get much of a response from him. I know it must be hard accepting help but I don’t think he should call me names or push me away emotionally. He said he was going out on (detail removed by moderator) and I asked what he had planned (thinking it could be job interview related and he may want support) and he told me it was none of my business. I am on the brink of leaving. He demands affection and me telling him I love him (which I do) but he refuses to say it back. I can’t move things forward if he won’t let me in or let me help. My bed is ready at my parent’s house and I’m thinking of leaving (detail removed by moderator),

[KIP.]

My advice is to go to your parents and put some distance between you. He’s not interested in resolving issues. He enjoys abusing you. He chooses to abuse you. That feeling of deflation I remember only too well. You don’t deserve this x

[Hetty]

Ask yourself what you are waiting for. Your attempts to improve the relationship have got you nowhere. It sounds like you’ve got fantastic opportunities ahead of you. This man sounds like a dead weight x

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