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    • #58472
      enofadov
      Participant

      I got a letter, (detail removed by moderator) I guessed it is one designed to make me think of the nice things???
      I got my friend to read it who was furious and said for me to read it would only mess with my head. Said it contained memories since we were young together.
      Why can’t I delete it? What do I do?

    • #58479
      Chickadee
      Participant

      If reading a letter messes with your head, your dealing with a trigger, stress disorder. It effects many abuse victims/survivor’s. As abuse is trauma. And the control, emotional distress, is all done to the brain.

      If your saying you can’t delete it from your mindthat is because of the trauma. It triggered it cycling.

      What do you do? First, you have to recognize your triggers. Then manage, delete, or overcome them. This is a choice you have to make for yourself. It is highly regarded that if you are triggered by correspondense that you ignore it without evet reading it. Your health is more important. It is part of the delete or no contact philisophy.

      To get out of what you are in right now you have to ground yourself in the present. Tell yourself that is all behind you and in the past. Remind yourself of why you left and all those points.
      Then after you keep doing that keep yourself busy and allow your mind to be occupied by other things. You have moved forward.

      Here if you have questions or nedd to talk. Hugs.

      Chickadee

    • #58481
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      That’s really good advice Chickadee. I think I’m going to try to use that too as my mind keeps wandering back to the four of us yesterday in the sunshine him being the person he should’ve been all the time not just in between episodes of horrible behaviour.

      xx

    • #58482
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      Enofadov, I think if you think you are going to read it I would read up all about these men and their ways first to ground yourself and give you strength. Every time I see or speak to my husband I feel a huge need to devour the internet on this subject as I also struggle to remember anything and start questioning why I’ve done this. But I know I wouldn’t have put us all through such awful heartbreaking times for nothing. I wanted my marriage to work, desperately, and have been trying to avoid this for years but something obviously came to the end of my being able to live with it. The same is true for you. If you go back nothing will have changed.

      Xx

    • #58484
      maddog
      Participant

      I used to get mad letters from my dad. I have filed them away, unread. Maybe one day I’ll read them. Maybe not. It’s all about control. If you have any doubts, file it away!

    • #58491
      enofadov
      Participant

      I read it this morning and obviously regretting it. Full of our life from the first time we met through each step and has absolutely broken me with sadness and guilt. Now I don’t know what to do

    • #58495
      KIP.
      Participant

      You learn from the experience. You pick yourself up again. You begin absolutely zero contact. You block every means of communication. And each time you are tempted to break the no contact rule, you remember the hurt this time caused you. These men are brilliant manipulators. They know your weaknesses. They try to hoover us back into their world of dysfunction. They are toxic.

    • #58498
      Chickadee
      Participant

      You have to delete it out of your mind by remembering the abuse and control. That is the reality. It will ground you. Bring you to the
      present. Then move forward.

      Go no contact. If you keep allowing the abusive triggers, you stay under their control, and live in it.

      Remember the reality…..control and abuse.
      Go absoultely no contact.
      Move Forward with your life.

      We are here for you when you need us. Hugs.

      Chickadee

    • #58499
      enofadov
      Participant

      I can’t do no contact as we have children and I don’t think I can either because of the care I still feel for him…..can’t help it. I’m dointing it was even that bad, even considering going back. I feel so confused and so lost. Feel so weak

    • #58502
      KIP.
      Participant

      Google cognitive dissonance. Write down every abusive episode and how it made you feel. Please learn from my experience. It doesn’t get better. In fact you will get punished more because you dared to defy him. And you just won’t see it coming. This is the hoovering stage. Your children will suffer too. You deserve better x you can use a contact book for the children. He is not your responsibility. He will suck you back in and you’ve done really well getting this far. Don’t waste years on an abuser. Don’t allow your children to think this behaviour is normal. It’s not.

    • #58503
      Confused-and-alone
      Participant

      Hi enofadov

      I remember you commenting on one of my firsts posts on here about my emotionally and sexually abusive husband. At the time you hadn’t left yet and we were in very similar positions. I haven’t been as brave as you and I’m still in the middle of this.

      It was that bad and you shouldn’t go back – it’s so easy to let them minimise what they’ve done and put it down to “just an argument” but the systematic abuse of power they use to get you to do what they want – clean the house a certain way, keep the kids quiet, don’t socialise without them, have sex whenever they want it – is not right. You are so much better out – take it from someone still where you were a couple of months ago.

    • #58504
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Ditto. What KIP and Confused and alone said is what I basically was responding with too. Been there and done that.

      Confused-and-alone you have a lot of support here and through resources to get out.

      Hugs and Prayers!

      Chickadee

    • #58527
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      Enofadov how are you doing today? Xx

    • #58535
      enofadov
      Participant

      Thanks for all the replies.
      Thanks Itwillbeokay for checking up on me. Slightly brighter today. My parents are back and I feel safer but then they bring me down with their lack of understanding. Like I said to my dad how husband had been signing his messages off with kisses and sent me the letter and he was like’at least he’s trying to stay in touch, it’s been a really hard time for him’ makes me so cross they just don’t get it. How could he defend him when he sat in the solicitors office and heard me explain how he’d raped me???

      Anyway I had my councillor  which always makes me feel a bit brighter and helps remind me of the reasons I left, helps me get a bit of strength.
      I can’t go back I just have to keep telling myself that. It’s horrifically sad but I can’t go back. I’m so lucky to have you guys to remind me why I can’t.

      (detail removed by moderator).

    • #58540
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      I’m so glad you’re feeling brighter and stronger, a bit anyway. And glad to hear your family are home and you feel safer but also sad to hear your fathers reaction towards this situation. I find that really hard and wonder if he has misinterpreted what has gone on or is just in denial perhaps. Anyway, your counseller sounds wonderful and I’m so glad they are helping.

      My ex insisted on me ringing about things like that instead of emailing or texting, I think they know it causes us more anxiety. My ex is also talking a lot about every other weekend and overnight. It’s difficult as I have made the decision I do not want to live in an abusive environment anymore, I know it’s the right decision although I’m devastated, I do want him to have a relationship with our two children, and yet I feel angry and sad and resentful, not to mention anxious, that because of his behaviour towards me I now have to (potentially) spend a lot less time with my very little babies and give up on birthdays and Christmasses etc etc. It pains me hugely and it’s all down to the fact he couldn’t refrain of his abusive ways. But, I do feel a sense of peace not wondering and worrying when he might act up again (well, in the same house as me anyway) and I feel like I will be more me and I will live without his negative connotations. I still question myself daily but I read a lot and I’m hoping some counselling will come through soon to help me process it. It sounds like yours helps a lot.

      When do you think you will move back in? How are you feeling about that?

      x

    • #58553
      Lightness
      Participant

      Hi enofadov
      It sounds like you have a really good counsellor. I also found that people don’t always understand.
      You have done so well to leave and you can now start to heal. You have a future. It’s tough but it gets easier. Stay strong, by leaving you have done the right thing x

    • #58590
      enofadov
      Participant

      My councillor is amazing. Husband actually forced me to go to her as a couples councillor at the beginning of the year and and didn’t realise she was trained in sex therapy and domestic abuse so it worked out well.
      He’s out of the house so we can slowly move back in.
      Taken some of my sons toys though which I’m cross about

    • #58593
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      My husband took our wedding album and our son’s brand new bike. Which is now unused in storage. I just got him a second hand one yesterday.

      I hope your move back in goes okay. I’m thinking of you and hope you’re feeling strong. I’m having a down day today. Which invariably means tomorrow will be up.

      Xx

    • #58630
      enofadov
      Participant

      Maybe I’m being harsh but shouldn’t he leave the kids toys in their house??
      Moved back in (removed by moderator) which I’ve found horrible….been trying to keep busy but now I’m sat on my own in a big lonely house, the kids are in bed and I’m just thinking what on earth have I done?
      I hope our bad days are followed by good days x*x

    • #58632
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      I’ve been thinking of you.

      I’m not sure if this will help but I’m sat in my small lonely flat feeling pretty much the same feeling like the years are spanning out ahead of me and I’ll be up and down and sad forever. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m irritable with my beautiful little (removed by moderator) year old (because he’s pretty typical [removed by moderator] so quite demanding) and I’m confused and sad and lost that my husband has “accepted the situation”. Oh right. Okay. So I’m left a broken woman in a flat with two tiny children to bring up alone because you couldn’t refrain from verbally abusing me and being intimidating but you have accepted the situation after one clearly fake (sobbing, begging, pleading, offers of counselling, remorse, admission of abuse) attempt to get me back.

      It’s all very confusing and sad and I completely empathise with how you’re feeling. And yet I know deep down I would not have done this without good reason and the only reason I question myself is I’ve shut down my brain to think of him. And that includes the reasons I’ve left! It’s a huge brain ache to be honest and I’m angry at him for not being a better husband!

      We’ve just got to keep going and it will get easier and more positive.

      I hope you can start to do some nice things round your house to make it feel better for you.

      Huge hugs. Stay strong. You’re not alone x*x

    • #58637
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Enofadov and Itwillbeokay.

      Enfadov- it is very difficult when people, friends, etc. do not “get it.” It is unbearable when it is someone close to us. And it is patronizing when some say they do to your face and you know they absolutely don’t. You will come to find that those that do not “get it” are a detriment to your well being and healing and that you do not want them around, you will find yourself distancing yourself from them. It is okay, it is survival instinct. It is yourself knowing that without doing so, you will stay in the mind garbage and control, because the person not “getting it” is too much like doubting you, not believing. And it very well may be.

      I am thrilled that you have a great counselor there for you as support.

      Itwillbeokay-yes, you are alone with the kids and it has it’s difficulties, but when with an abuser your alone and doing all the same stuff yourself anyway. Hug those babies every morning and every night, enjoy every moment, and rejoice in the fact that you have them.

      I have been where you both are and the best advice I can provide is, don’t look back. It means don’t question it or anything happening or you will soon be where you were. Don’t Look Back is well known in abuse circles and with good reason. It destroys what is right in the first place.

      Blessings to you both. Hugs.

      Chickadee

    • #58638
      KIP.
      Participant

      It get easier. Keep yourself busy and make sure you have a legal agreement that he cannot return to the home. Otherwise he will just move back in when he feels like it. Making you all leave again. Yes, he should have left the toys but remember they are not reasonable rational people. Once things are sorted you can look to move home and have a fresh start. Life is now great for me. I’m just back from a wonderful foreign holiday. I’m finding the woman I was pre abuse. It very hard in the beginning to join the dots to the place we were before abuse but it comes back with time. Your confidence and self esteem will return. I don’t recognise the woman I was with him. A frightened cowering shell of a person. Walking slumped, no eye contact. I wish you could see the before and after. It’s like I’ve been given a second chance at life. So hand in there x it’s truly worth the journey ❤

    • #58644
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      Thank you both so so much. Right now I feel like I’m going to feel sad and lonely and question myself over it all forever.

      I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow about my mood around it all in general. Still can’t access any counselling, they can’t even tell me how long the waiting list is which seems odd so all I do every night is trawl the internet. It’s very depressing really and I want to move forward.

      xx

    • #58655
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Your Welcome. Do things for yourself that bring you peace and happiness, stay busy. And spend time with your children, a lot. Look at everything around you as beautiful, a new beginning, and safe.

      A lady on here stated she could mot get into one for a year. But honestly, if you do what I wrote in the above paragraph and you allow your mind to let go of all the twisted lies and c**p and you move forward and keep looking forward. You will be fine. It will be great.

      Hugs. We are here when you need to talk.

      Chickadee

    • #58661
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      Thank you for this.

      I’ve decided to hold off on starting a new job in my new area until September when oldest child starts school. So we will spend the summer together the three of us adjusting to our new life.

      I’m going to do lots of things as you suggest to look after myself and slowly hopefully see improvements in mood and attitude and thoughts about it all.

      Hugs xx

    • #58665
      enofadov
      Participant

      Awww thank you so much everyone. Itwillbeokay I’m so sorry we are both suffering, I havebthought ofnyou a lot over the last few days, that sounds a lovely plan for your summer. I hope you can find a councillor soon. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to see mine as it is so expensive. I hope the dr can help.

      Thank you so much KIP and chickadee, it does really help to hear how much better it will get.

      I’ve spent today while kids were with him sorting the house and buying a load of new flowers and solar lights so feel really good about what I achieved, oh and I went to a gym class with a friend who is also separated with a child, which was nice.

      Husband is pushing for overnight contact (detail removed by moderator) which I’m not ready for….think it’s too soon when kids have only been to his house one time and spent most of the day at his mums, (detail removed by moderator).

    • #58726
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      I went to the doctor but he couldn’t offer anything to help really, other than ask them again how long the waiting list is. So I came home, put the children to bed and started painting my dining room table and chairs with chalk paint whilst listening to guided self help podcasts about emotional abuse recovery on YouTube! It was pretty helpful, I spent the whole evening doing it.

      My husband talks about overnight a lot too, and to our older one, when I’m sorted (he’s at his parents from Thursday and moving out of our ex home tomorrow – you can have your own room at my house, you’ll have two houses etc. It’s quite daunting.

      I am being brave (stupid?) this weekend and taking the children to the area where we used to live so him and his parents can spend the day with them, his parents have only seen them once since we left two months ago or so. But I don’t want to spend the day with him and his parents – his mother will make her feelings known to me with looks and silent treatment even though we’ve got on very well for our whole relationship – and I don’t need that in my life. I rang for advice and a court order can take weeks so I’m taking a leap of faith and trusting my gut that he just wants to see them and he will give them back to come home with me at the end of the day. I’m going to gang about like a nervous wreck on my own for the day.

      Hope you’re doing okay today xx

    • #58916
      enofadov
      Participant

      Wondering how you’re getting on iteillbeokay?

      I’m having a few good days. Finding it easier to ignore his messages. He’s been more aggressive in manner when passing kids over which is helping me with clarity.
      My manager called me in to her office and said she’d noticed my rings were off and offered me support and anything I needed, then admitted her marriage had broken down last year and nobody knows. This helped me so much.

      Kids seem happy. I’m lonely at moments but don’t necessarily miss him just my family unit?? I still fear the children going overnight and he’s pushing (Detail removed by Moderator). Only rented a (Detail removed by Moderator) bed house though and wants youngest to share with him which I’m against but we will see.

      Hope everyone is surviving x*x

    • #58932
      itwillbeokay
      Participant

      Hello,

      I’ve been thinking of you loads and hoping you’re okay. I’m really pleased to hear how well you’re doing and that you’re feeling strong. I can relate so much to almost everything you say so we really must be at very similar stages mentally and emotionally I think.

      I had a new job that I had to resign from as I left our home and area but the two women on my team the same age as me with children were both separated/divorced from their husbands with the children living with them. I noticed their ringless fingers immediately which was interesting as I had not yet left my husband but it was clearly in my mind that I may be about to. (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks later was when I finally left. It did help me to realise I was not the only one to have separated and that sadly it’s quite a common occurrence.

      You may have seen my post from yesterday in having a bad day. Well today is a better day as the visit is over for now. I find it really really sad and difficult and nerve wracking seeing him. I’m still trying to come to terms with why and how he could be so horrible to me so I cry whenever I see him although try not to let him see. My oldest is now full of when can I go and stay with Daddy so he obviously mentioned that a lot to him yesterday. I don’t want that to happen yet. But I guess it will in the future. He doesn’t want the baby to yet which in some ways is good but I fear he won’t ever bond with our baby as much. He even used to say to me you have (the baby) and I’ll take (the toddler). Erm, no.

      I think I am like you in that I don’t think I necessarily miss him. More I’m grieving hugely for the family unit I’d spent so long dreaming of and had got and still he wrecked it. He’s taken that dream away and I’m the one suffering because of his terrible behaviour. But I don’t think I miss him as such. I certainly don’t miss the fear and intimidation, threats and verbal abuse and belittling and mocking and putting me down!

      I got the Lundy Bancroft book last night so I’m going to start that tonight. The reviews about it on Amazon are very good. I thought it would help in the absence of counselling.

      Our flat is looking nice. We feel at home. I guess everything’s okay. I’m just sad it wasn’t the happy ever after I had hoped it would be. I just kept hoping it would stop. But I’m coming to realise it never would because it’s ingrained in his personality.

      Hugs xx

    • #58938

      Hello there itwillbeokay.

      I was thinking how many of us are out there doing this thing, building a new home and a future for ourselves, and/or/with our kids.

      Just wanted to say I am still learning. There will be ups and downs. I liked the ‘don’t look back’ approach from chickadee and wonder if she has anything else to offer on that one…

      I have had to uphold very strong boundaries recently, with someone else (abusive ex partner number two). At the time of meeting and spending time with them I did have very strong boundaries anyway which I upheld, but wondered about myself – as to why I got involved with them in the first place.

      I now think it had a lot to do with loneliness.

      I’m having a few really difficult hours today, partly the aftermath of having made a complaint at college (it was upheld, which I am glad about but somehow I lost faith in the place and what I am doing through the process…)

      I find it really difficult to trust people full stop nowadays. Some days ‘don’t look back’ to me feels like just getting out of the house for a few hours is difficult.

      Sorry not to sound more positive, I have made a nice lentil curry for me and my babes today, the washing was all done yesterday and I’m kind of on top of the bills.

      These are sometimes the things that hold stuff together, aren’t they?
      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #58944
      cloudyday
      Participant

      My abuser (Detail removed by moderator) had left me a note to read (Detail removed by moderator) and I just ripped it up and put it in the bin without even reading it. I knew it would trigger me to feel sad and feel sorry for him and I was determined not to put myself through it, why would I? to feel bad and upset? I wasnt going to do it. I also do the same with any voicemails I delete without even listening.

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