Do I tell him I know?

[duvet]

Hi,
I have been posting on here for a bit now and need to ask for some advice
He is away at the moment and has been for some weeks. He is asking me what i think about his potential return.
I have tried to given him the opportunity to be honest with me (I can hear some of you now saying ” he will never be honest!) well guess what – he isn’t being honest. Yesterday I said he needs to think about what he really wants and his response was that the one thing he was sure about was that I am the love of his life and that he wants us to grow old together! Yeah right was my thought to that (but I didn’t say it)
The issue I have is that I haven’t ever told him that i know about the serial cheating – it feels to me like an ideal time to have an honest conversation and be up front – not for me to threaten leaving or anything else but to say – by the way I know some of what is going on here so can we be honest about how we want to manage our relationship with the children
My concerns are many – including the fact that he is trying to make it my decision what he does about his job and the timing etc.
When he is away – the children miss him but life is so much simpler for me – and i struggle to imagine how hard it will be if I say nothing and he comes back and then i am back in despair with no route out!
I know that no-one can tell me what to do – I just need to share
Last night we tried to talk but the children started playing up so we couldn’t speak
I am not sure I have the nerve to say I have known for some time that I am not the only woman in your life
I think this gets harder in a way as I get more confident and can now see what is wrong with our situation
Any thoughts appreciated

D

[Lisa]

Hi Duvet,

I think the question is what do you want to get out of it? As you know perpetrators make excuses or can escalate if they feel they are losing control. I would be worried about you confronting him alone about this, do you have someone that can sit with you for support?
It is difficult to have these discussions with perpetrators, as in their own head they have convinced themselves they are in the right.
It is up to you what you do but your safety is important.

Best Wishes,
Lisa

[Lightness]

When I confronted my abuser about cheating (I didn’t know he was an abuser), he projected it all back onto me – denying it and blaming me – accusing me of mental illness. It was so confusing and upsetting. If I had known better I would not have confronted him but I would have made a safety plan for myself (and that is what I did eventually).

Why do you feel you have no route out if you say nothing?
Do you mean you won’t be able to give a reason for separating with him? I don’t think it is helpful to give abusers reasons as nothing can ever be their fault, in their opinion

Lx

[duvet]

HI
I think I still cling to a hope that we can reach a sensible way forward – that he would go and let me get on with my life with the children and we could sort access (this may all be false hope)
I have learnt tonight that even if he comes back next soon he will be going again in another while so this at least takes the pressure off me making a decision at this moment
I feel that I am being a hypocrite pretending everything is OK and that is getting harder to do as I gain more confidence – this may all be a sign that I am getting ready to make a more deliberate move

Thanks for your support

[Confused123]

hi hun

how about approaching agencies that can support u , call the help line , womens of rights, find out all your rights and what your options are and then if your decide to leave or get him to leave see how it would work, when i wanted relationship to end ex refused blantly to leave and took advantage that i was unhappy in marriage, so i made a plan to find accomodation, got all my advise first , check i could change my work contracts to new location , even pre pack and shifted some of my stuff then i just left two weeks earlier then planned due to another incident with him . If you are asking him to leave then u need to consider how to get him out and thats where it might get tricky. I dont know how these men sense we have had enough, hence these questions are popping up. I would secure myself then ask him direct , hell i only thought ex was cheating on me once and well i couldnt keep it in, i just ask direct which he denied, when i had pursued it was actually a guy , the next time a worker told me he had made an advance and again i just told him direct to his face how disgusted i was not that they care

[Author]

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