27th June 2020 at 8:15 pm #107847
Sometimes I wonder why this happens to me. In the last few days two things have really upset me that I just didn’t see coming. One friend has said all along she would help any way she could. She had offered to give us a lift to a refuge when we go. She hasn’t been in contact very much during lockdown as she met someone – the love of her life – online and has been seeing him. When I have seen her all she does is talk about him and when I start talking she looks over my shoulder or at her phone and then winds up the conversation and says she’s got to go… so, I decided to fall back to plan b for getting a lift anyway and not rely on her. Anyway, she messaged me the other day, talking all about herself as usual and I just replied how serious things had got and that I was leaving in the next week or so…and she didn’t bother replying. I left it 24 hours, then messaged her, and got this whole load of BS…I was busy, it was late, Ive had a lot on…
So, plan B was that my neighbour caught me crying ages ago and asked me what was wrong and I told her. She seemed to have been supportive, I don’t lean on her, don’t discuss details but she’s been friendly enough and checks in weekly to say hi and see how I am. She also offered to help me too in anyway she could, her sister had experienced DA so she seemed to understand and I trusted her. So when I realised my friend had gone off radar with new man, I asked the neighbour if she could help with a lift, she said yes definitely and seemed genuine. She’s just sent me a message to say she can’t talk to me any more as she feels it might make it difficult with him when we go, and she cant give us a lift either.
On top of the last few days where he’s been showing his true colours in all their multi coloured rainbow glory. The levels of meanness has been right up there. I’m just worn out. Why me? Not really a question to be answered but I’m so desperate to get out but literally have no idea how I am going to do it. Call a cab, and run? Is that realistic? What if it doesn’t turn up and I’m sitting there with my kids and pets and bag….
Can’t stop crying, I can’t believe I’ve got here, to this fkn horrible sh*tty place and life. Feel so alone. So alone. Its the loneliest place in the world I think. Abuse. I think that’s how you know that it’s abuse.
27th June 2020 at 8:31 pm #107849BeautifuldayParticipant
Hi I’m awfully sorry to hear this lovely 🙁 and yes I’ve had this happen to me with friends letting me down its not nice at all. Could you maybe use an uber? You can track where it is on your phone? To make sure its on its way? Or maybe book a taxi with a respectable company? Don’t let this put you off! Your obviously feeling strong at this moment and its easy to slip back into staying or doubting. If you want to chat im here xx
27th June 2020 at 8:49 pm #107850Soulsearcher18Participant
I think that potentially the Women’s Aid support worker can arrange to give you a lift?
I would speak to whoever is supporting you with this about the practicalities of getting out.
Now I know some services, like the IDVA may not be able to provide transport but the refuge staff can? I guess that may differ depending on area and demand etc but it is worth checking.
If you can get the services to support, I think that this would perhaps be better than a friend or neighbour anyway.
Otherwise, perhaps social services, the police? Though I’d urge caution over getting statutory services involved and definitely seek advice from WA and try to get them to help you. That said, Social services are there to help you and would likely want you out and could possibly just help with organising that and then hand you over to whatever authority you are headed to- it doesn’t necessarily mean that they would be involved from there on as they may deem you to be safeguarding the children.
I am sorry that you have been let down but some people just don’t understand and they probably get scared, or overwhelmed (not your problem). If you are going to have anyone supporting you with this, then they need to be in it 110%, otherwise they’re not worth the worry anyway.
I think it would be best for the services supporting you to help you sort this if they can and I’d be interested to know what their response is.
You are going to meet a lot of people on your journey, not all will be with you for the long haul but it is the type of experience where you are likely to make the kind of friendships that will last a lifetime.
Right now, we just need to focus on how and when and practicalities etc. I think it’s handing this one back to the professionals and getting them to help you plan.
You are not alone iliketea, we are here for you. We are thinking of you and willing you on. It’s always the b****y weekend isn’t it though, when services aren’t so easy to access that it ramps up. Hang in there and if you can’t make contact over the weekend, hopefully this is the first thing you can do on Monday. The local refuge/domestic abuse service you are headed to should be available over weekends though and have a 24 hour helpline- call this if you can, leave a message if they don’t answer. If things are really bad, there is the emergency duty social work team and of course the police if you are in danger. Know I don’t need to say that to you but just a reminder that the support is there, it is ok to ring them for help and advice. It is ok to hand it over to them to step in and help manage with this step if you need them to. It is what they are there for. You are not responsible for his actions.
Keep posting, keep letting it out and sharing with us if it helps you get through it. We will be here, we will be with you on the other side soon too, you’ve made your decision -you will get there.
27th June 2020 at 8:59 pm #107852LifebeginsParticipant
As you know from being there for me all this week when I was in a terrible situation, it is possible to leave. Sometimes things come out of left field and you have to ‘escape’ in a different way to what you planned and possibly at a different time. That certainly happened for me.
Is he out of the house for prolonged periods? If so, a cab could be a reasonable option. Do you drive? Perhaps hiring a car the day before and parking away from your house? Could your IDVA offer a solution?
I’m really new to all this and this forum so forgive me that I don’t know your circumstances and I don’t know what’s out there support wise, but there must be a solution. I’m sure we can all help you find it xx
27th June 2020 at 9:25 pm #107853
He hardly ever leaves, that’s my problem. He has no routine. Just ups and goes, doesnt say where or for how long. Just doesnt feel a safe way to leave.
27th June 2020 at 9:28 pm #107854HazydayzParticipant
💌💕 oh..lovelie, iliketea. Bless you. I’m sending so much love to you💓 I so, like you here and I feel for you so much now. You have been so many times, there for women here and me. If I could, I’d drive you there, for sure! Some lovelies here have offered a maybe? solution, and I wonder if it’s just possible? Or if your support worker could sort transport for you? ensure your safety! I understand you must feel let down by everyone you thought you could rely on outside of here. Thinking they were there for you or would be at least! When the time came! Forget those selfish pair! You will get this sorted! I’m sure! Your feeling so low and sensitive to it all right now! arn’t you and of course that’s totally understandable. It’s just so difficult for you obviously, with no support, where you are. But, you at least know this… You can rely on us here, always! to be here for you! anytime you need Someone to listen and be there for you. Keep safe lovelie, we will all be keeping our fingers crossed for you.💞
27th June 2020 at 9:40 pm #107857Greentea101Participant
Sending so many hugs and love your way. Is there anyway you could “take the kids out” for a day trip without him and escape that way? (I didnt have a children with my ex but i didnt have anyone to help me escape so had to make a plan)
Definitely speak to WA when you can/are alone and its safe.
Breaks my heart, i wish i could help in real life.
27th June 2020 at 9:47 pm #107858standtogetherParticipant
I don’t have a lot of advice to add but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’ve been let down by these people. As we know a lot of ‘friends’ don’t understand the extreme difficulty in leaving. Not to excuse them as it’s not fair but just as all these women who have replied to you there are many people who want to help too.
Thank you for your kind advice to me, you are so strong and you are doing amazingly well.x*x
27th June 2020 at 10:35 pm #107871Wants To HelpParticipant
Hi @iliketea, so sorry to read this. You have been doing brilliantly and showing so much resilience. Sadly our friends cannot always be relied on but we only find that out when we really need to rely on them. It’s a double b**w then when they let us down. I hope your IDVA can come up with a solution to this on Monday. Do you have somewhere to go to now?
I am aware that there are ‘gaps’ in the services that are provided, and in my area, transport to a refuge is one of those gaps and what I call the ‘deal breakers’. A lady will be prepared to leave, but when she finds she has to make her own way to safety and has not got the means to get there, she is literally stuck and so she remains. This is totally unacceptable and should not be happening. I get sick of the phrase from services such as “It’s not in our remit to get someone here” and “We don’t get the funding for that”.
Please let us know the outcome, these things need to be addressed. It’s all very well the Government issuing all this advice that there is help and support for victims during lockdown if they can’t b****y well deliver! They are just paying lip service to the problem and it’s another example of the system letting ladies and children down.
Don’t let this be the hurdle that trips you up though. We will not let this problem beat us and we will get round it somehow.
28th June 2020 at 12:18 am #107876EggshellsParticipant
I wish we could somehow know where each other lived so that we could jump in a car and fetch you. For you to get to this stage of readiness is amazing and if you’ve got this far, you will jump this final hurdle, one way or another. I’m guessing that you either don’t drive or don’t have access to your own car. Hopefully your local WA or Refuge can help and give you some ideas. They must have come across this problem before. Try not to despair,you will find a way around this. Our hearts are with you.
28th June 2020 at 7:16 am #107885TickleribberParticipant
Hi, Yes, people are amazingly shallow when it comes down to the nitty gritty of actually giving help. Happens all the time in my world too.
Might just be worth giving the police a call to see if they would be prepared to escort you out and give you a lift, nothing to lose by asking.
I was offered this by my local police service when I talked to them on their non urgent phone number about an assault a while ago,so theoretically it’s possible.
28th June 2020 at 11:35 am #107924BraelynnParticipant
You are so amazing on here. Just one of the most lovely, kind, giving, intelligent, creative women with so much to give and anyone that can’t see that is blind and rather stupid. You’re going to work this out, you are so hold on, okay? Don’t get all down and out. This happens, little bump in the road…
Ahh yes, the friends who aren’t. Well acquainted with that one. I got sooo many doors slammed in my face when I needed people. Was shocking really. Don’t know why I was shocked, shouldn’t have been. Not like I haven’t known about human nature since I was weaned off the bottle. But it’s also about who we have picked as friends along the way and realizing that we have to raise the bar on that one. In as much as we picked the man we have, we’ve picked friends alot like him as well. These two that ditched you, probably upon closer inspection and if you didn’t need them in an emergency just now, you might not even want them for a friend at all. I don’t think they would pass the exam.
Sometimes a total stranger can actually be kinder to you and more helpful than someone you’ve known for a long time as well. And it’s okay to say, I’ve re-assessed things now and I can’t have people in my life who don’t do for me when I need them.
Yep, call the police and see if they can give you a ride. Call the WA and see if they can send someone out as well. Hire a car or call a cab. Not sure if you are affiliated with any church or not but sometimes they might be able to provide this as well. Charities? I mean, it’s just common sense that people are going to need this and yet, it’s so not there for us. Extremely important that it IS there for us. I scratch my head on this one and go – seriously??? Women get to where they want to leave and they have no way to get from point A to point B? Wake up people!!! Grr. What are we supposed to do, jog there? Ride our brooms, what?
You just put yourself on “Plow” here and say to yourself, not standing down. I’m ready to go, ready to rumble and I Will find a way. Haven’t come this far now to back down. I will make it happen one way or the other way. Sooo, you have a place to go??
28th June 2020 at 8:30 pm #108013
28th June 2020 at 9:44 pm #108026BraelynnParticipant
Good! We all have these momentary lapses of sanity. I got an award for it, not sure where it is now…..I probably used it for target practice but anywho, we just dust our bums off don’t we? Silly ignorant people who think otherwise. We’re rounders, scrappers, we do have fire in our bellies just have to light it up every now and then when it goes out. Feeling uncomfortable keeps us on our ties in times like this. We need to be a bit edgy, makes our sense more alert and hopefully makes us pay very close attention to our own radar, yes?
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