Do they really love you?

[I.dont.know.]

So my question is does an abuser know that their been abusive ? Do they know what their doing or are they mentally ill??
When they say they love you and can’t live without you do they mean it? Do they know what love is??

[maddog]

They’re not mentally ill. Yes they mean it when they say they can’t live without you like a parasite needs a host. No, they don’t know what love is. Abusers don’t do love. They seek vulnerable people and suck blood. We vilify paedophiles yet abusers are not really on the radar. Perhaps they are too common. Yet 3/4 of men are good people.

[Iwon]

Not just me has done a post does he know he is abusive. It is really enlightening and helped me.

If you knew you could live a super entitled life, get your own way in everything, have control of all money and get to take every little gripe or bad mood out on your partner. If you got a slave who no matter how you used her as an emotional and physical punch bag would still say I love you and cower infear of your moods wouldn’t you love her. Well not so much live her but certainly carry on allowing her to cater to you.

That’s not love it’s a dictatorship. Just my thoughts.

They are not mentally ill. They just want there own way and and if it takes upping the intimidation to get there way and complete power and control over a person then so be it x

[Poodlepower]

My partner said he couldn’t live without me. He would lie in bed all day waiting for me to come home from work because he couldn’t function without me. He wouldn’t allow me to sleep because he was afraid to be alone ( told me when I slept it was like I’d “left him alone) If I tried to walk away from his verbal abuse he would grab me and pin me down as he was “afraid I wouldn’t come back.” He said he would kill himself if I said or did certain things.

All this-and more- had the effect of making me afraid to do anything without him. I didn’t see friends or family. I rushed home from work every day, not stopping for a chat with colleagues. I stopped going to the gym. So did he do all those things because he loved me? Or was it all manipulation to control me? Certainly, it was unhealthy and not a “loving” relationship that supported me in things outside the relationship that made me happy.

[fridges]

No, they do not know what true love is.
I was told these words only to make me believe and mislead that all will be good.
These words were told to me in both cases just to have the opportunity to abuse me more and carry on the abuse.
None of them loved me. It was the perfect excuse to control me, to do the harm to me and pain.
They know about abuse. They feel entitled, specially if you are not agree to do something or behave the way I told you.

[fridges]

If love would be there – you would not feel scared, you would not feel destroyed, you would not feel disgusting about your own body, what was done to you. You will be respected. And you will be able to express yourself free and say no. Without the fear what can be done to you.
I could not be myself. I was not allowed to listen even to the music which I wanted,
I could not do anything what I wish or dreamed. Even to have a proper rest – with my first abuser.

[Poodlepower]

I remember once dreaming-yes, dreaming! – of taking up dressmaking as a hobby and almost immediately knowing that it wouldn’t be allowed. It would mean I would have to get off the couch where he liked me to stay and stand at the table while I cut fabric. I even voiced this to him “I’d like to make my own clothes, but I know you won’t allow it.” He didn’t even pretend to contradict me. He knew it was true.
I felt like a trapped animal when I was with him, with no life of my own abs no free will. And he knew rages how I feel yet he still wouldn’t allow me to be anywhere or do anything that wasn’t for HIS benefit. That’s not love. It’s ownership, control, even slavery. But it’s not Love.

[Iwon]

I did a course with womens aid and they likened the effects of domestic abuse to the effects prisoners of war experience. They like how we adapt our behaviour to survive as how people act in a dictatorship. I see that in myself. Hiding away. Keeping your head down. All one way …..not a relationship. If you know you will get he’ll and raged for voicing an opinion you keep quiet
What a life x

[I.dont.know.]

Thanks for all the replies I feel quite emotional reading these. My situation has reached the point where he’s not in control anymore but I’m also still trying to maintain a level where he thinks he is in control. I tried telling him I don’t love him and that I didn’t want to be in our relationship about (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago he threatened to kill himself so I said fine I’ll stay which his response was good I should think so. From that day he’s been over the top nice to the kids not doing as much over time and trying to be affectionate with me but I can’t stand him touching me!!

I want to just be able to tell him to leave but I think my only option is to give up my business and find somewhere to rent with my kids without him knowing.

[freedomtochoose]

I think you are right lovely. Difficult as it may seem you can always restart your business.If you are seriously injured or in fact there is a fatality, you can’t restart your life.
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

I always remember the words that I heard years ago tuat really struck a chord with me that love is an action…

If you are not shown love, its not love, if you are shown hate, intimidation, and threats, this is what it is (no matter what words are used and guilt trips, cant live without you and so on)

He might kill himself and he might not, but if he threatens it then report his risk to the police. It will be his choice to take his life or not, so to be prepared for how you might feel to protect your own well-being to not take his guilt on board.

Take care

TS

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