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    • #67138
      Confusedandisolated
      Participant

      Hi, I’m sadly very new to this. I wish I knew about it many years ago and I’ve randomly stumbled on this website/forum due to new difficulties I’m having as someone whose lived through domestic violence because at the minute I just don’t know if what I’m going through is OK or if I’m tolerating certain behaviours because of my experiences.
      I’m in my mid 30s and when I was (detail removed by moderator) I left a violent relationship after being assaulted whilst my baby was there. I’d been in a relationship with this person since I was (detail removed by moderator) and it was never good but I desperately wanted to feel loved by him. After I left which I’m sure many of you will know was a long and painful process, he stalked me, turned up threatening to kill himself and would break into my home in the early hours and sexually assault me. It came to a head when he strangled me and without going into every detail of what was a 4 hour fight for life whilst my child slept upstairs the police came. Nothing ever came from this aside from a (detail removed by moderator) restraining order which strangely meant nothing in court relating to child access rights. I have had to cooperate with this person and see him regularly to maintain access to his child. Another long story. Since then I met another person, convinced I was worthless I believed he loved me. We married and had a child. He would frequently tell me that he saw the good in me when nobody else could. I was messed up but he knew I could be saved. After several years I realised this was control. In a different way mind due but all the same he had isolates me from all of my friends because they just dragged me down, I was the reason for all of his failings. He didn’t hit me as such but would restrain me if I went against him. He was a foot and a half taller than me and a professional fighter. I wasn’t even allowed to celebrate new year with my sister. At the time she was only (detail removed by moderator) so not a night on the town. He would ring the police and or ambulance if I resisted his control and walked out and convinced me I was mad. I walked out, left the relationship and felt relieved. Empowered. I then met another guy a while later. My dream come true I thought. But I’ve now found out that’s not the case. Another form of control? I don’t know! I’m so confused with it! I’ve been with him coming up for (detail removed by moderator). He is very much a feminist! To me that spoke to my heart. However, he’s lied to me frequently about lots of things. Mostly things he didn’t need to and wouldn’t be an issue if he did. Eg he has female friends, I have male friends, he’d lie about meeting some, not all of them. Without proof he wouldn’t admit it with proof he would and would apologise. He’d turn his phone off whilst he was with them etc etc. I’ve spoken to one of these women. It was a pointless lie. He will lie about other pointless things too. But the biggest of all is a recent one that he is a gambling addict. For all the years I’ve been with him he has lied. And with all the big long winded story (I’m sorry I just wish I’d have got help earlier) I just don’t know what to do. Is this another in effect form of abuse. I don’t think he means to hurt me but honesty is the basis of a good relationship and I feel manipulated, hurt, all the things I felt before and I don’t know if it’s that I’m reacting badly because I’m a bit messed up from my past or if I just need to see this as different. It’s so hard and arguments gut so personal it hurts. I have ptsd which I fight big time but there are certain triggers that I have night terrors. One of them is being lied to or manipulated. I don’t know I’m doing it apart from waking up remembering the nightmare and feeling exhausted. He for the first time ever said to me the other day after all this came out again that he needs counselling yo deal with my nightmares. What do you think of that? It really hurt me but maybe he’s just clinging yo something to deflect his behaviour. Either way I’m at a point now. Walk out on what otherwise has been a fun relationship and my kids love him and he’s never hit me or stopped me going anywhere etc or end it because my mental health is now in bits and I just feel that I’m just destined to make bad choices with relationships now. Maybe I deserve this

    • #67150
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there. Yes that was indeed a long post, but do you feel better for having written it all down. Let’s address your last sentence first. By no means do you deserve this, not one bit.xx
      Youve recognised that the men youve ended up with havent treated you well. You did not choose them, they chose you.
      My husband never stops me going anywhere either, but after years of being accused of things, because i didn’t answer my phone, i didnt come home when i said i would, of saying you dont know what you do when you’re drunk, you wouldn’t know who was sh….ing you, i no longer go out, unless it’s with an aunt and then that’s few and far between. When Igo out I’m very conscious of the time. I’ve made the excuse for years that i prefer being at home that I’m just a homebody, so much so that i actually do prefer staying in than going out.
      Of course he needs counselling, it’s all about him after all. He can’t really look out for you. Arguements get personal because that’s how they argue. The real problem is never addressed, so they say things that hurt us to the bone. Words cut deeper than the sharpest knife, hurt much more than sticks and stones.
      If you’re feeling hurt and manipulated, it’s because you know the signs, not because you’re soft or a crybaby😞
      His gambling is a big red flag. why did he not tell you about it? Have you noticed money going missing from your purse but aren’t really sure how much was in it in the first place.
      He lies as you say about pointless stuff, that’s a defender mechanism on his part. If he lies about silly things what does he do about the important things. Plus why does he turn his phone off. He either has a lot of flat batteries, doesn’t want to be disturbed/ let them know he’s in a relationship.
      Only you know in your heart, in your gut what is going on in your relationship. Have you contacted WA either locally or uk. They can and will help you put things into perspective. Just having a professional hear you, and believe you, that was enough for me too realise im not blowing things out of proportion.
      Sorry it took so long to reply, i really didn’t know where to begin, that’s why i started from the end of your post and worked backwards. Keep posting on here, do you keep a journal? I have so many now dating back years, it helps. relationships aren’t all hearts and flowers but when they’re more arguements, hostilities, afraid to say something cos you dont know how he’s going to react, it is time to rethink if it’s where you really want to be for the rest of your life.
      Love and hugs to you
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #67152
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi, Confusedandisolated

      I know (given you username) you feel isolated so what im going to say might not appeal. Do you think you need some time out from a relationship? I jumped from on to another. Then I did a little dating but I wish now I had taken those two years out just for me. I did manage to get some time out as these short relationships just didn’t work out. Don’t get me wrong I think when were single suddenly we have the freedom to do what we want. I did stuff I never dreamt I would do, I went surfing despite having sore joints lol I booked a really nice holiday just all the girls. I met so many new people. I actually really enjoyed that time in my life. I think what I am trying to say is what would YOU like to do? what would you like to achieve . What would make you happy and fulfilled? Maybe even put pen to paper. I personally would like to see more of the world. We only live once and I want to cram in as much as possible as ive wasted so much time on other people who haven’t deserved my time and energy. Is that a kick up the bottom in the nicest possible way? I hope so maybe its time to concentrate on you xxxxxx 🙂

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