24th April 2020 at 5:24 pm #101655
One thing that I think is so very true with us when choosing a mate is – who our father was or was not to us influences us greatly. I can look at all of the men that have been in my life and I have to say, put them all together and it’s a picture of my father. There are a couple of traits that I never allowed like physical violence or sexual violence but as far as all the other forms of abuse and just the traits of my father’s persona overall – yep, it’s all there in them.
He wasn’t a good father to me, horribly abusive. He should have been locked up and the key thrown away. Along with the people who held hands with him and allowed it. I let them all have it, was the one who stood up to my father so, I did decide that’s it, I’m done.
But the long reaching effects are there in us. That’s not to say we can’t do something about it because we can. It just takes awareness, self examination, education and putting in boundaries that might feel mechanical sometimes but nonetheless are effective because impulse isn’t allowed to run free in you anymore.
Elisabetta Franzoso has a blog on her site that talks about damaging fathers. It’s really good. It’s kinda like we have an early template that gets laid down in us and is imprinted on our being and unchallenged we go off into the world, grow up and are triggered by this in the choices we make with our mates. I know it helped me alot when I really sat down and looked at a list of traits for example, of my father, good and bad, because there were good ones….especially when I was younger before the abuse started. I saw all the things like how handsome he was, how intelligent he was, funny, could talk to anyone, could fix anything, etc. That’s before I knew the monster…… But those good things were all present in all the men I picked in my life. And consequently, the bad traits were there as well.
Just being aware of this is helpful. It helps us to help our little emotional girl grow up actually because alot of times what we do that gets us into trouble is when she is driving the car and making the choices. Reason for that might be that – when bad things happen to us as a child whether abuse, neglect, etc. – we immediately think – what did I do that was wrong, or to deserve this? So unfortunately we can go through life choosing a mate alot like our fathers so we might finally “fix” things with a personality alot like our father in many ways. We might finally be worthy enough to be loved and not hurt all the time. It doesn’t work. Never does. Was never our responsibility to do so. What they did to us was their responsibility, not ours.
Our little girl doesn’t need to be out in rush hour traffic driving the car. Freaks her out! She can sit in the backseat and be protected now. Our grownup practical/reasoning self can take over in the romance department and say – it’s okay, I’m going to protect you now, help you to grow up. Anyways, just wanted to share this. I think the subject matter is very interesting, has been very true in my life that’s for sure. My little one drove me right into the ditch on several occasions!
24th April 2020 at 6:20 pm #101659IwantmebackParticipant
I absolutely 100% agree. Both of my long term partners have similar traits to my father. He wasn’t physically abusive or sexually abusive in that he raped me but… he is passive/aggressive, he’s so disrespectful towards females yet tries to be modern. He brought me up to never allow a man to hit me,but that a woman having opinions is like a dirty word, but what he taught me was how men look at women,treat women, he had his stash of magazines, would make comments like if I was 20 years younger about my friends then my daughter’s friends. He is just sleazy. But all those girls would brush it off as just being him.the usual no consequences for bad behaviour. I am very in tune with my sensuality or should say was, it was like honey to these men. Confident in myself, total aphrodisiac to these men. Also the, this is going to hurt me more than you, when it came to getting spanked, long before it was against the law. Though he never had to do that much, him shouting at me was enough fir me to please him. Anyone else wish their dad would have hit them instead of shout at them?? My first husband never raised his voice,would walk away, didn’t do confrontation, nor his hands but he made me feel so insecure, spoke to me like I was thick, constantly accusing me of affairs, which I never did. His insecurities drove us apart. My second husband nothing like either my dad or first,or so I thought. He didn’t bury his head in the sand, he was my knight in shining armour.then he wasn’t. Passive aggressive behaviour started, accusations of affairs, telling me I was thick, naive. The violence, the put downs, the great sex afterwards, cos hows can he hate you if you’re still having great sex??
So yes our fathers do determine the kind of men we pick to a degree. But now I know. I’m good with who I am now, I like me, I’d be friends with me if I was able💞
24th April 2020 at 7:01 pm #101663
Yes, it’s just weird when you look at it. It sneaks up on you too. You’d probably laugh in someone’s face if they said this back then when it was happening, I did or I got angry at them, but as we can see it all comes out in the end. That make-up sex, isn’t that a hoot! Easy for them though since that’s the muscle they use to think with alot of the time. See what I did for you!!?? Yeah, yeah. It was never all that for me personally. I’d be like yeah, that was fun and all but it doesn’t make everything magically disappear either. Wasn’t that good.
We are all naive, I mean who teaches us this stuff? Should be a class in school you have to pass about it. But I’m a firm believer in educating yourself. Most great minds always did. We are way low in intelligence compared to people at the turn of the century and before. They taught themselves, studied, read, applied themselves, learned trades, etc. Asked questions more importantly and wanted real answers.
Now however, we do have a wonderful array of libraries, knowledge on the internet. It’s amazing what we could do that they never could. And yet, they in many respects were so far superior to us. Interesting…
Well I am happy to call you friend! I am quite friend worthy myself and ever so loyal. Like a good dog! 🙂 But I won’t lick your face…
24th April 2020 at 11:17 pm #101690HunkyDoryParticipant
Not in my case. My Dad is and has been a wonderful father. Hardworking kind respectful and now looking after my mum who is ill doing everything for her even though he’s had to learn everything and has never complained once.
It constantly confuses me why I’ve repeatedly ended up with men who are lazy, expect me to foot the bill for everything and latterly physically and mentally abusive.
Free now and not looking to go down any relationship road any time soon. Xx
25th April 2020 at 2:06 am #101699
Good for you having a wonderful father like that!! You are very fortunate. No, it’s not always the case. The charmers are very good at what they do and we are ill prepared for it. So glad you are out and taking your time to heal and just be with yourself. A very important time!
25th April 2020 at 10:31 am #101715freedomfries01Participant
My dad was really violent and drank loads. I thought my ex was the complete opposite of of him. Turns out they were both head f***s. The stuff I’m working on now my daddy was a very bad man, so was mmy ex. I don’t think he physically or sexually abuses our kids but he’s really not a good man.
25th April 2020 at 11:47 pm #101788
So your eyes are opening and this is progress. Keep learning, reading and working on yourself here. We do what we do for a reason. It’s just when we don’t challenge what we do and find out why – then it goes on and on out of control and keeps driving our car right into a ditch. We can all be conditioned by abuse, it’s like they imprint something on us especially if we are young when it happens so what we do is just some kind of crazy normal to us but we have to pop all that out and slap it on the wall and ask….soooooooo, what IS this really??
10th May 2020 at 10:28 pm #102953starqueenParticipant
IWMB I absolutely did at times wish my dad had hit me rather than shout, get aggressive, mess with my head with guilt trips etc. I think because it’s we might feel that if there was something physical happening it would be some form of proof to ourselves and others that it really is a form of abuse. When is emotional and psychological the scars are all on the inside.
I honestly haven’t had that many relationships so I can’t say whether I pick partners like my dad, but I’m doing the freedom programme so I can spot abusive behaviour and understand it so I hopefully never do end up with a man like him.
11th May 2020 at 5:00 am #102963NewboundariesParticipant
Wouldn’t have thought that until reading your comments. Mine sexually abused me and was physical with my mum when he was drunk. He was always a charmer, everyone loved him, he was well known locally and I felt special with him (pre abuse). During abuse he was sleezey constantly looking me up and down and I learn after that he was a womaniser, always chasing after women even if they didn’t want his attention. Like a sex addict.
My previous boyfriends have been ‘normal’ nice decent people who treated me with respect.
My husband on the other hand is a charmer, everyone loves him etc etc. He hit me at the start of our long relationship now its more controlling and emotional abuse, he wouldn’t ever sexually abuse our child but he is sleezey with me. Thats like a slap in the face right now. Thanks Braelynn. Need to find my copy of toxic parents and get back into reading it.
11th May 2020 at 12:38 pm #102990EscapeeParticipant
My therapist pointed out to me that my partner’s traits were very similar to my mother’s.
My mother was a master manipulator and I was left with a huge hole in my heart which I subsequently filled with inappropriate relationships.
Getting past childhood trauma on top of relationship trauma is hard work but we can do this ladies! ❤️
11th May 2020 at 5:36 pm #103012
Yes, that happens as well Escapee and it’s all very normal reactions to what happened to us by someone in a trusted position in our lives. I have had girlfriends who were sooo very similar to my stepmother and biological mother. Quite spooky actually. I realized I was trying to work out those bad relationships by choosing women like them. I finally saw what I was doing and started being present in it. Our little ones try hard sometimes to still try and fix it – but it was never our fault and not our responsibility to fix it. Only to get healthy ourselves, to learn and apply truth and be patient with ourselves.
12th May 2020 at 4:19 am #103058
Newboundaries – I dated some really nice men here and there. Had alot of them as friends but then there were 3 that had sooo many characteristics like my father and those I got serious with. It took me forever to see that connection. And I have to say they were the things that my little girl loved about her daddy, pre-abuse and it was daddy that I wanted him to be all the time and I hoped for all the time. Thus, I think a big reason why I was so codependent with these 3 men because when the mask started to slip I did everything I could to keep putting it back on, kept trying to paint on that pig. I needed the illusion to be real. And I think our emotional intelligence is very telling here too, especially when that most likely got stunted at the age when the abuse began. In all probability then, it’s likely that our emotional I.Q. when we are engaged with them is probably a very young age. Of course now that we are grown and our brain has fully developed, somewhere in our mid 20’s, then we are able to reason and use logic like a small cannot do. The good thing about that is, we as an adult can learn very very fast and we can grow that side of ourselves up, do some inner child work and become whole again. I look back over alot of things with myself and see how only in romantic relationships, or with a friend who reminded me of my stepmother and mother – was I emotionally immature. In my career and otherwise, I was stable, very responsible, etc. So I’d scratch my head and go – it’s like I’m two people here! And actually – I was. I had to finally come to terms with the idea that – I needed to fix these men, like I wanted to fix my daddy. As if, something was my fault or I was bad and that’s why he hurt me. It was a runaway freight train with me until I realized what I was doing and said, uh, noooo, that’s not going to work for me anymore. Weird how when the light comes on, everything just goes click and you’re like OH, wow, that shoe fits! I feel that compulsion coming up every now and then but it’s more like an echo. I recognize it and can just let it fly by or chase it out.
12th May 2020 at 4:21 am #103059
Sorry, found mistakes, words left out. Can’t my glasses! Hope you can figure out what I meant. LOL!
14th May 2020 at 10:26 am #103230starqueenParticipant
Braelynn I totally get what you said about being emotionally immature in some cases but not others. I can see that in myself. I can also see myself chasing love from others and being preoccupied with people who might not be good for me while running from those who might show me love. Not just in romantic relationships but generally. I realised the other day that part of it was trying to be loved by people who didn’t love me the way I needed to be – or at all – and the need to fix that. I had a lightbulb moment when I read something which said we have to accept that the person we wanted love from can’t give it. For whether reason they don’t have the capacity and so we have to learn to give that love to ourselves. I realise I’ve pretty much always accepted less than I really deserved. I read something which said we accept the love we think we deserve and I’ve always just accepted the scraps while feeling terrified of being offered more.
14th May 2020 at 4:39 pm #103259
Too true Starqueen. Maybe it all goes back to how we sketch ourselves out regarding how we feel about our whole self? Are we “worthy” to have such love? If not then we will go shopping for the oversized baggy dress when in all reality we are quite thin. Our sketch says we fit the dress however. Reality and belief clash. Doing a rather hard exercise is to sit down and write out all the things attractive, worthy, wonderful about yourself then make another writing stating things you don’t like, that make you unattractive, unworthy etc. If done honestly and not being shy about it, it can be quite revealing… Then of course the need will come to challenge beliefs about the latter list. Where did all those things come from? Are the really true? Who we love or choose to be close to is directly connected to this. You are a very beautiful, worthy soul on here. I don’t have to see you in person. 🙂
3rd June 2020 at 6:26 pm #105062
I just wanted to come post this as it relates to the subject matter here. It’s called – repetition compulsion. It is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again.
Why Do We Repeat the Past in Our Relationships? is an article found on Psychology Today.
3rd June 2020 at 6:30 pm #105063
This article, too, on Psychology Today site……Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: Repetitive Relationship Patterns
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