Do you ever feel you are turning into your abuser?

[colouringinfairy]

Does anyone ever feel like this? I’ve been in a new relationship for a little bit and I just don’t deal with ANYTHING the way I did either with my abuser or before him. Before I was thoughtful, kind, understanding, caring, communicative, empathetic etc. Now I am shut down, cold, cruel. I actually don’t care. My new boyfriend stated today he doesn’t think I would actually act the way I do if I truly cared about him and loved him. Maybe I just don’t care? I feel just feel numb.

Every time he does something that I even slightly dislike, I’m on it. But if I do something he finds upsetting I will manage to find a way to turn it on him. I feel like I have become my abuser. And that is just my outward behaviour. How I feel inside is darker, colder, apathetic, indifferent. I do love this guy, but I have no idea if he is right for me or I am right for him. More importantly, having identified how I am acting and feeling, I have no idea if me being with someone is right, period.

Any support/advice would be so appreciated, I’m feeling so anxious and lost. My ex is on my mind again, not because I miss or want to be with him, but because I guess he is always there laying dormant until my next trigger. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up so I don’t have to deal with these thoughts and feelings. So I don’t hurt anyone else because of the person he has turned me into 🙁

[fizzylem]

Hey CF, sounds like you weren’t ready as you’ve picked up, I think that for me, I have to feel it’s right for me every step of the way, and how we resolve our differences is also a part of that. You’ve said you have no real idea if he is right for you, so I’m guessing this is where the problem starts, needs to feel right before we commit, and we do this by having a lengthy period of knowing him first, this gives us a good idea of whether it will work, if we are suited / compatible, if his nature and behaviours are consistant, if he can be trusted.

Also sounds like this is the effects of the abuse from the previous relationship, we need to heal so that we are thus free to love; this is likely the effects of the abuse now getting mixed in with the new relationship.

If you love this chap, then it might be that some couple counselling could help you to better communicate with one another; but it also sounds like you need some individual counselling first to help you work through these difficult feelings and free yourself to love again x

[snowbunting]

Hi Colouring fairy, it does sound as if those feelings come from years of living in a conditioned state of behaviour from your abusive ex and that messes with your mind. In a difficult conversation with two family members last week, my mind flashed with this is where the shouting starts, my heart was racing and I could feel my legs start to shake. Subconsciously protecting yourself from potential abusive behaviour with your new partner is a human and natural response, you have written with care and understanding in your post and with empathy for your new partner. Be kind and compassionate to yourself first, that person you once were is still there. Take care. x

[Kitkat44]

Yes, this really resonated with me because I feel so horrible sometimes and find it so hard to be affectionate to him and struggle to even make eye contact with him which he complains about but after he’s had a go at me and I feel intimidated I’m sure it’s fear and feeling rubbish.
I posted asking if I am as bad as he is. I know I don’t frighten him like he does me which he has previously laughed at when I’ve tried to tell him but I think he knows how to get me to react so I’ll be the one who snaps and then I’m in the wrong. I can’t remember the last time he apologised.
Anyway just wanted to say I know what you mean.
Take care x

[diymum@1]

CF your protecting yourself and after the experience we’ve all faced I think it’s only natural you’ll have a wall up. Your not going to leave yourself wide open to someone again. Not when we know the repercussions. Your still healing too. Your not being like him at all this is different your behaving this way not through entitlement like your ex. Your dipping ur toes in the water very warily- it will take time to feel safe again. I’m in a new relationship well it’s been a wee while now and I’m still wary I feel that is down to previous conditioning tho hard to shake but with time ur confidence will grow xx counselling might be a good option ? Xx

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks all for your responses. I do have regular therapy but I feel I may need to do some intense trauma therapy as my PTSD seems to be getting worse with time (which I have read is completely natural), and my triggers are minor yet severe. I feel so awful for the way I make him feel. He remarks some times that he doesn’t think I would do the things I do or treat him in certain ways if I did love him and care about him. It’s not true but I don’t even have the capacity to refute it, so I’m sure I have left him feeling like his assumption is correct and I don’t care.

It really breaks my heart, because he is a wonderful person and I couldn’t ask for a better, more understanding, patient and kind man, but here I am ruining it because I am constantly looking for a threat. Will I ever be normal again?

[diymum@1]

Yeh of course but you’ll need to be patient with yourself. You’ve been through a hell of a lot much more than most so cut yourself some slack. Just keep reading about all of this about what’s happened and why. You’ll make sense in your own head. You will move forward. Keep the boundaries in place and be as honest as you can with him. I know not everyone gets it but we do. Try to live day by day and take as much time to heal as you need. Take some time for you for some self love and build yourself up again. I am nearly the person I was I still feel vulnerable but then I always have xx love diymum

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