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like your life is toxic if that makes sense, I am a nervous wreck most of the time, jump at any loud noises, cry a lot, am exhausted feel numb. Scared to make a decision, any decision if silly ones – shall I change the tv provider…I will make a mistake, it will be wrong, I will be a stupid b’tch. (detail removed by moderator)he hasn’t paid the mortgage again this month on time – he is two months behind anyway – I have no security on top of the abuse I can’t take it and I am angry. I said that I was angry -(detail removed by moderator) he said that I was a s**t wife, a s**t wife who does nothing for him, no love, no passion, no support, no understanding and no sex. That he hated me. Couldn’t live with me anymore that I am condescending, horrid and with no empathy but honestly I don’t understand why I should not be angry – you would wouldn’t you??Why can’t I be cross with the dreadful state our finances are in. I can not make any comment about anything without being slammed down and shouted at. Do you feel like that ever,
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I wasn’t allowed to be angry. I was punished- normally in some carefully concocted plan that he would execute a few weeks later. He was really one for delivering revenge when least expected.
I was meant to just shut up and accept his awful treatment of us.
It Must Be Me: these abusers make us terrified of life. When he left, I was terrified of everything. Things I’d done without problem as a teenager. He’d made me frightened and powerless.
A friend told me It would eventually come back, and it has. Now I’m not scared of those things. I can chat to mortgage advisors and so forth. He treated me like a child and made all the big decisions.
They make you feel like a fly, immobilised, caught in a web, petrified and unable to make decisions. But once you escape from their clutches, the power starts coming back gradually.
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Yes, a lot of these feelings I can relate to. I am surprised at the theme in the comments, about not being allowed to be angry. I’ve been feeling that way for a long time (was just about to write a post on that very thing!).
I think I became really dependent on him. Sometimes when we were out together I’d get too nervous to ask a shop assistant for something; I’d need to get him to do it for me. Just silly things like that, and then I get down on myself for having even less confidence than when I was a really insecure teenager!
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Yes, it does. It shows that you’re a great mum who is doing her best to look after her kids in incredibly challenging circumstances. Despite his best endeavours you’re not broken yet.
I hope you know that it isn’t you. It never was. It is him and he’s not going to change.
You have every right to be cross, angry and/or upset. Have you been able to call Women’s Aid? They are really helpful xx
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I know he won’t change he is a n********t without doubt. His parents visited recently and he was painting this picture of a doting family man…i hardly speak as it’s all about him…and his Mum! our daughter had a tantrum – screaming, angry, shouting…partly from tiredness, exhausted by the end of school term, excited for Christmas and all that…when settled her I listened to them talking about me – sitting on the stairs crying – as I heard him say ‘she is too soft, she gives in to her all the time, she doesn’t discipline’ and the mother answering ‘ surely she must see it’ ‘it’s because of the way she is with her’…I wanted to scream down at them…no it’s because she hears her Dad talk to her Mum in such a vile and disrespectful way she copies, she sees her Dad demand his own way and throw his toys out of the pram if it doesn’t go like how he wants it to, how he will never compromise, react aggressively to things that annoy him – be in the car, if the internet is slow, if he can’t find his socks, anything like that – shout and swear, and drink every night, go to the pub every day after work and do nothing with her…I do perhaps over compensate by being really gentle with both her and her brother….try and wrap them up, be kind and cuddle them…perhaps I do give in to her but it’s because I am emotionally exhausted too.
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not yet Eeyorenomore but I need some help on how to help my daughter, I think the tantrums are based on whats going on more so that me being gentle and trying to use positive parenting, I do give in to her though sometimes I do appreciate that, and she does speak to be in a curt way if I ask her to do anything – largely because that’s how he speaks to me. I am not making excuses for myself, I know that I am too soft, but if you hear swearing and put downs then that’s how you will learn isn’t it?? I wanted to shout down the stairs to his parents…maybe because he calls her mother a stupid r****d…that’s why she is having a meltdown and being rude…not just because I let her have her phone!!! I didn’t of course, I would be shot down by them all….I don’t think his parents would believe a word that came out of my mouth with regards golden boy, he walks on b****y water!
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I am never allowed to be angry or even have an off day be a bit grumpy. If I do it’s like oooh look at you listen to how you talk to me! Look at your snarly face when I am not even doing anything. Sometimes when I talk to him maybe I am a bit snappy he will say listen to how angry you are or how nasty I am to him or that I am shouting at him. Like someone else said he’s allowed to be as nasty as he likes! And often when he says I am shouting or being angry I am not I am just speaking normally but saying something he doesn’t want to hear. If I have an opinion or don’t agree with him often I’m told I am spoilt or difficult. I feel in a healthy relationship both partners would be able to have differences of opinion or have an off day….
itmustbemesurely glad you mentioned the tantrum I had exactly the same experience! Son had a huge tantrum I dealt with it but husband told me how soft I was and how he was spoilt because of me! But of course it’s our fault!!
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Toxic definitely. Another one who likes to dish out revenge when you least expect it in the form of a misaimed shoe at the head or barging me hard enough to fall. Very clumsy I am when he’s around. Nothing leads back to him. If I get angry I pay for it further down the line so I don’t bother. Never quite sure the mood each day will bring. I think you are quite right to feel angry I probably would if I had the energy to deal with the fall out. X
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Oh Imagine I am so sorry you are having to live like that, its so b****y cruel…I have taken to removing myself, not saying anything, not rising to his spiteful horrid comments…well did over Christmas, he commented on how I hadn’t been near him all holiday and that I had been distant….I was enjoying time with the kids, and he was right I was distant…it’s called self preservation! I got shouted at this morning because my darling girl was having a bit of a melt down about going to school, she couldn’t get her hair right – I know it’s because she is tired after late nights and lie ins over the holidays. She hardly has tantrums now but when she does I check to make sure she is ok, don’t say anything and basically don’t speak to her, ignore the bad behavior, when she is calmed down I say something about me understanding why she felt frustrated…but that’s not right, that’s being soft, I should take control, discipline….you can’t shout at someone who is angry that’s saying to respond to anger with anger, it’s not a war….she is a child we have to show her how to calm down, not shout and scream at her for getting frustrated and cross…or is that wrong?? He said to her that (detail removed by Moderator) FFS she is the child…..he also doesn’t like when people comment about me on social media, gets angry if I get attention, says its disrespectful to him, but it’s fine for him to tell me which one of my single friends he is going to @@@@@ first when we split up….I don’t get it, any decent human wouldn’t behave in this way…..
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Omg! Same pattern all over the place. My husband (new!) but will be (ex!) hopefully soon is the same. I’m an amazing wife in the morning and a c*** , b*** same afternoon cause I get nervous with his c**p driving. He loved me and he despises me, he shouts, swears (even on our honeymoon!) he is always right I’m always wrong. I upgraded my life by marrying him (it’s a huge downgrade actually!), trying to change my own reality. He knows it all, I know nothing, all arguments are cause of me , standing up for myself is me having vile temper. Really??!! They all
Carry same pattern sadly cause of theIr own messed up childhood and insecurities. I cried my eyes out to the point Of fainting after his insults and abuse. Now thinking and knowing it’s not me, it’s him!!! Same for you too. Don’t let him get to you. It’s all his insecurities talking. -
I not allowed to be angry. I recently caught that he cheated. i caught him literally red handed because I read a message to some girl(detail removed by moderator). It took me a few days to confront him as i was scared. OH HOW MAD HE WAS. as if it was me cheating. I was glad I brought it up in a text. And I even regretted I brought it up. And I tried to calm him down saying i understand and I am not angry. And he said he wished he slept with her, as she wanted it.
Not to mention that if I dear to get angry in an argument, it would just get much worse.
Also, in the past I was so scared to make a decision or to do sth. I would go to cafe on my own to have hot chocolate and would feel that I am doing sth wrong (we were not financially well). I would drink it so quick as if he could find out.
Whenever I was in a shop he would hurry me to be very quick. So whenever I was by myself in a shop I would be scared if I get a call from him to hurry. And if he actually did call me, my heart would sink. And I would forget what I am doing.
And I could go on and on and on.
And he constantly was complaining that I dont know how to walk on a street and he is embarrased.
Or that I look sad or look sick and embarass him. If I say something back, he would get angry.
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