2nd April 2016 at 10:34 pm #12802
Sometimes I wonder if what happened was my own fault, or if I’m partially to blame.
Due to surgical complications I couldn’t have sex with my husband for a long time, and then when we did I would get really anxious and not want him to touch me in certain places or try to move me into certain positions.
He used to bully me about our sex life and made me feel like a failure as a wife because he’d say he was sexually frustrated and he’d tell often his friends wives had sex with them to try and get me to have sex with him. I think the way he dealt with the issue made me even more anxious which created a vicious cycle.
I wish I could’ve been better for him but I didn’t ask to get sick.
I sometimes wonder if it’s my fault he turned into an abusive husband and a rapist… like if i hadn’t gotten sick and needed all those surgeries would he be a completely different person now?
Does anybody else ever feel like this and how do you make it go away?… 🙁
2nd April 2016 at 11:51 pm #12803
No, it wasn’t your fault. Rape can’t be justified. Though abusers always try to make us feel it’s our fault.
A non-abusive person would show concern. He wouldn’t act angrily like he was entitled to sex, and he certainly would show empathy.
Sex is important to many people, but genuine love and care for someone would as them to a tin ways differently then he did. He sounds like all abusers, angry if he can’t get what he wants on tap, never mind the reality of a situation.
Infrequency of sex doesn’t turn everyone into rapists.
If you are anything like me, his aggressive and impatient attitude towards you and your illness would have put you off wanting him physically near you.
No, the fault lies with him and his horrid lack of empathy and sense of entitlement.
3rd April 2016 at 8:33 am #12808Falling SkysParticipant
It is one of their ploys to make it feel its our fault not theirs.
I had a very high sex drive, but after a difficult pregnancy and him keeping on that I didn’t tell him we were trying for a baby (when I said I have an abortion he said no you did tell me)he couldn’t answer why he lied. He wouldn’t have sex with ne while I was pregnant, but afterwards he wanted it and before my antenatal he raped me for the first time.
If these men weren’t abusers they would be supportive. Thinking of our feelings, and we would find a way round it together. You have a medical condition. It was beyond your control.
Mine enjoyed sex much more forcing me. It’s all about power and control not an expression of love and intimacy.
3rd April 2016 at 11:08 am #12820godschildParticipant
NO WAY is this your fault at all, he is a selfish selfish man to treat you like this, no compassion like all abusers, all about his needs and wants. A proper Husband would have been considerate to you having to have surgery.
He is like he is because he chooses to be not because of anything you have done.
3rd April 2016 at 2:58 pm #12840
NO, this is not your fault. He is a sex obsessed monster. I have a cure for such men: please government allow the castration of rapists.
3rd April 2016 at 3:20 pm #12845mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi Nemo – how are you today?
NO – don’t ever think for one minute it is your fault – its his fault, and well he knows it too – but they never take the blame – always trying to transfer it over to you.
You had surgery and you had no control over how it left you afterwards, or how it made you feel. If he cared about you and loved you he would understand that – he would wait until YOU were ready – and let YOU do things in your own way, and in your own time – and NOT force you.
He was being very insensitive and not in the least understanding of your situation – of course you would be anxious and find some positions painful – he should have seen this and showed some care and respect – but they don’t – they take capitalise on your weakness and take advantage of you when you are at a low ebb. they don’t care how YOU feel – to them they have a right to sex as and when they want it – never mind you are in pain, or don’t feel like it.
They will try every trick in the book to get what they want eg “my pals wife gives it to him every night” etc – this is all part of making YOU feel guilty and forcing you to give him what he wants – even thought its not what YOU want.
If only they could see that by them making more and more of an issue of the situation, they are creating more and more of a problem between the two of you – and then the barriers go up even more – and so it has the opposite effect from what he wanted – it gets to the stage where you cant bare them touching you in any way – and in the final stages when things are really bad you cant even bare to look at them or talk to them because they have made such an issue of getting sex as and when THEY want it – and they have destroyed everything that was ever good about your marriage…..until no love can survive…….
YOU are worth so much more – NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.
3rd April 2016 at 3:44 pm #12851
Well put, M.U.M x
3rd April 2016 at 9:29 pm #12903
Thanks for all of your messages ❤ they have genuinely helped me with my feelings of guilt.
He was a horrible man and he abused me emotionally, financially & physically in so many ways. But he always blamed his temper and behaviour on the stress caused by my past illness.
And I would actually end up apologising to him for being ill.
I hate myself for ever saying the words ‘I’m sorry’ to him 😣
3rd April 2016 at 9:43 pm #12906
I just think how pathetic these abusers are. They make us feel bad about our sexuality. They point out faults on our bodies. They treat us as if we are sexually incapable.
But what happens after we leave them? Do they find their personal porn star who gives it to them day and night several times?
Nope, they often look scruffy and have no one, they cannnot even get a ons. Nobody wants them. Their affairs after us are short lived and frustrating for them if they have any. (detail removed by Moderator)
Women should really refuse to have sex with men, refuse to marry them, refuse to have their children.
Women do not need men. Nowadays there is artificial insemination if a woman wants a child. Gosh, your post brings back bad memories. These abusers are all so alike. x*x
3rd April 2016 at 9:54 pm #12909
I used to read this forum and feel a bit out on a limb, because so many women said that their abusers would routinely and cyclically apologise.
I can’t remember my ex ever, ever apologising- for anything. Only once when he called me a c—- and from nowhere, I got the strength to demand an apology. But all those times he was cruel, dishonest, abusive- there was never a single apology from him.
It was always me apologising for x, y, z. Mostly, I apologised just to placate him.
I am angry with myself for having always apologised and taken the blame. This only enabled him to continue. But as you and I know, it’s not that easy. We are stuck, weakened, immobilised and scared.
I am sure that being with him made your health worse overall. I am sure that my health took a dive the second I hooked up with him. x
3rd April 2016 at 10:54 pm #12924
Even when he beat me so bad I ended up in hospital he didn’t say sorry, even when I lied to the doctors and said I’d fallen down the stairs he didn’t say sorry. He’d made me feel so guilty for apparently ‘provoking’ him that I ended up apologising to him for a) upsetting him, b) causing him the trouble to have to take me to A&E late at night when he had work in the morning, and c) not being able to do the housework etc. for the next few weeks because of my injuries.
But he never did accept my apologies.
3rd April 2016 at 11:13 pm #12927
The ex abuser only apologized after the first black eye that he gave me. He was very apologetic. That’s why I forgave him and considered it an accident. After that he never apologized again and said I brought the beating on me and I deserved it. I had to apologize otherwise he would not stop.
And I found excuses for him. I defended him, felt that I understood him and I had to try harder.
Now he got what he deserved … somewhat, the system is rubbish, the sentences are so light and pampering.
What you can do now: give a strong performance in court, say everything. The court is a place where we can say a lot and the abuser has to listen and can say nothing – for the first time he is forced to listen to us.
He could not attack me for what I said for the first time. He must have felt so powerless. Thinking of this, actually, it was great. Only at the time I did not feel great. I nearly collapsed. But now, I think that was empowering for me. I only realize this much later. x*x
3rd April 2016 at 11:24 pm #12928
Gosh I read that post back and suddenly realise just how far I’ve come. I also realise that the one thing that I want – which is for him to in some way acknowledge that what he has done is wrong, is proably never going to happen. And I need to come to terms with and accept that brutal fact.
Just wanted to add that i’m sorry if my post(s) have triggered any bad memories for the rest of you 😔
Hugs to u all for making this forum possible ❤ I know i’m a newbie but it already feels like a lifeline 💫 x*x
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