Does anyone else struggle maintaining friendships?

[Purple]

I’m several years out of a long abusive relationship. I wasn’t really ‘allowed’ friends whilst I was in that relationship and it became easier to keep people at arms length to avoid conflict and I realise now that I had become very very isolated and had lost touch with so many people that really should have become friends along the way? If that makes sense?

When I left the relationship I was really looking forward to getting in touch with some of the friends I had lost along the way but quickly found that whilst they were pleased to hear from me they had very much moved on with their lives and really are just acquaintances now.

I’ve made a few new friends since but I’m really struggling to keep solid relationships. I meet other mums for coffee now and again and when I get time off work I’ll make the effort to meet with other mums to go to the beach etc.. but I havnt managed to find a group of really close friends and most weekends it’s just me and the kids apart from Sunday lunch at my mum’s. I was quite happy with it being just me and the kids until recently. They are both in there teens now and want to spend less and less time with me and I realise now that were is a big void to fill and I am starting to feel quite lonely. I really struggle with my own company!

Has any one else felt like this at all?

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, I kind of do, and feel similar.
Part of me, like yourself thinks it is a phase when they hit teenager years (just the one I have).
They are kind of at a distance but at the same time still emotionally demanding. Which often leaves me personally feeling quite drained and as if I don’t have much to give others to start with.

[Good samaritan]

Yes I can really relate to how you are feeling. Especially now when I need the help the most. I used to be able to ask long standing friends and family for help when I was struggling but since I made him leave my home after almost a decade of him living with me I just can’t reach out to anyone anymore. Even the services that are set up to help in these situations I cannot find the confidence or motivation to approach anymore. I literally go home lock the doors and lay on the sofa crying until I fall to sleep. I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I was told I was a strong woman by my councillor but I don’t feel strong. I feel so ashamed of everything that happened during the relationship. My integrity and the moral comfort I felt and pride I had in myself before meeting him has vanished completely. Now I just feel guilt, shame and anger for failing myself and my family. I can’t even see myself as an insensitive to clear the mess and memories from my house and I’m totally embarrassed at the mere thought of anyone coming in to help

[Purple]

Freedomtochoose – teenagers are most definitely draining! I totally get what you say about not having much to give others. I feel like I need to be more proactive in pursuing friendships but I just don’t seem to have the energy alot if the time, yet I sit here in the evening really craving some adult company! Seems like a viscous circle!

Good Samaritan – I also have difficulty in asking for help. My relationship was (Detail removed by moderator) years and I at times still feel ashamed that I didn’t have the strength to leave sooner. I’ve been angry at myself for allowing him to have so much of my young adult life and having such a negative impact on the kids. I still havnt admitted to people how bad it actually was.

It’s taken a while but I know now that actually I was strong I had to be just to live in the horrible situation I was in, run a home, study, work, look after the kids and on top of that strength then have the strength to leave! So I’m sure that you are strong it’s just the emotional aftermath that’s so hard at times.

Motivation is a struggle for me aswel and I think this is partly where the friendship issues come in. I have to really push myself to stay in touch with with people. I kind of feel I’m sstill waiting for life to start again and I get angry then that even though he’s no longer around (and gadnt been for a good while now) he still seems to have an impact on my life.

[Good samaritan]

I had my counselling session today and it was the first time I could be completely honest with someone about the things he made me do. Life has been so draining the past few months since it affected me to the point I lost my job. Even my employer had to admit if it wasn’t for my failed service the day I got the abusive phone call from my ex’s new girlfriends son I would have kept my job but they had to let me go because I lost focus and wasn’t meeting the required targets which meant they would have lost the contract if I had remained there. I wish I had been stronger and hadn’t let it affect me (detail removed by moderator). It all got so confusing and frightening because she would ask me questions about my ex and then took some kind of pleasure in telling me my ex had told her I was rubbish in bed and he hated me touching him. When the fact was he was always wanting it even when I was poorly. He even drove me into the middle of the woods and made me pleasure him whilst I was in floods of tears. He had made me get up in the middle of the night to take him to work but insisted that he was driving. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I had no money to get home and it was miles away from where we lived. That’s when it finally hit home he had no respect for me but I just felt so trapped and alone I stayed with him until it finally got to the point I couldn’t take any more of his abuse. Any life was better than that life even if it meant I would have to rebuild from scratch elsewhere. I just wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. I sensed he hated me but not to the point he wanted to mentally torture me by showing me his and her love for one another nor could he wait to tell me he didn’t want to cheat on her. The thoughts and guilt, shame and even blaming myself because he said I was the abusive one and drove him away. It’s a world of pain that I am scared to open myself up to again. It’s made me doubt my instincts and question every fibre of my being and worth. It’s made me feel undeserving of love if I was such a bad person. Then when the police issued me with a harassment warning with no investigation what so ever reaffirmed what he had said that it must have been me

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks everyone especially purple. I have been exhausted recently and thankfully not required to be anywhere over last couple of days so i have been able to go with it to a certain extent, stay safe and just listen to the rain with my babes.
I am so in solidrity with all ladies on this site. Stay safe everyone. Be sure you will make it.
Be sure we will be strong together.
Will try to post tomorrow.
all best
ftc

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Purple yes I definitely struggle with this. When I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago, I had loads of friends I used to go out and socialise with (3 different large social groups) but none of them seemed comfortable with the whole depression thing and I realised they were all a bit shallow and didn’t want to support me during my darkest time, they just wanted me to be better so I could start being fun and going out again.

Since then I have stayed friends with some of them on and off, but started to notice critical, controlling behaviour from some of them, so have had to greatly distance myself. One of them ignored me for 6 months then randomly messaged me the other day acting like nothing had happened, she always acts like I’ve done something wrong but will never say what it is, which is a bit like an abuser really, exhausting and not what anyone needs in a friendship. I feel very much like I attract people who want to control, criticise, boss and bully me and repel ‘normal’ people. I think it’s to do with being my background, I do hope that eventually I can start attracting healthy kind people again because it gets incredibly lonely being alone so often, but is better than being bossed, criticised and chastised by these types.

I’ve tried meetup groups, clubs, societies etc and have met some nice people but none of the friendships have stuck. I have just accepted that right now I’m meant to be alone (I am single with no children) and that is ok, I think it helps with the healing journey to go within and sit with all of your feelings before hopefully coming out the healing coccoon a stronger person.

It sounds like you’re going through a transitional period, could you increase your hobbies or take up something new, do something you’ve always wanted to do? You’ll probably meet some good new people that way and bring in an extra positive element to your life.

[Purple]

Sunshinerainflower – yes I do feel like I am in a bit of a transition period. My family are pushing for me to find a new man and I’ve dabbled with online dating but I really struggle with my confidence and I havnt had the courage to actually meet anyone!

Also I feel finding a man because I’m lonely will probably end up with me attracting wrong kind of person so I’m not sure that is the way forward.

I’m wondering if I’m searching for an ideal that’s maybe not there for everyone, not helped by flicking through Facebook and seeing everyone else seemingly enjoying themselves with lots of friends around them!

I would like to try and pick up some old and possibly new hobbies but I struggle a lot with motivation and confidence to go and start something new on my own. I think I’ve probably hidden behind the kids a little bit and it’s probably time to face a few demons…

[Herindoors]

Hello. I am a few years out now of my abusive relationship. I have always been quite shy before I was with him but I was younger and friendships come easier when you are pre-kids and responsbilities. During the relationship he did his best to isolate me and I didn’t try and persue any budding friendships (through work or other mums and suchlike) becuase i knew he wouldn’t ‘give’ me the time I needed to devote to them. I am lucky enough to have one dear friend who stuck by the whole time and one other, who pushed for us to be friends and I managed to get out enough to maintain that friendship to this day.

After we split up one of the things I worried about was ‘I only have two friends’! It has taken me years to realise that this is not because, like he said, I am boring and no one likes me. It’s partly because I don’t actually operate well or want a large group of mates. I would only end up saying no to invites if I had people beating down my door! I like me time, just not all the time. I prefer to have a few close friends I know really well, than a large group. I am now OK with that.

However I often find myself alone at weekends or evenings and at those times more options would be good 🙂 So I set up a walking group because I love walking and it gets me outside at the weekend. I invited random people from my FB friends, local to me who I thought might enjoy it. And its working. A few weekends ago I brought together 6 people who didn’t know each other. There is something about walking while you are talking that makes it less stressful for someone shy like me.

The differance is that in past I would gravitate to a certain type of person – loud, charasmatic and overpowering – because they filled in the gaps in my quietness/shyness. Now I am actively trying to connect with people who are on my social plane, that don’t overwhelm me or hog all the conversation.

I think there are more lonely adults out there than we realise. FB does make it look like everyone else is having an amazing time with loads of mates but I think the reality is very differant. I am bad at just texting someone and saying ‘fancy a drink tonight’ but I have found that I can bear organising a group event – even if I am a bit nervous just before it in case no-one turns up! My theory is that if I keep doing the same events with the same people some lasting friendships might come of it.

[White Rose]

I never used to struggle with friends before him. I had a really good group of friends locally and from my college days but not now. I’m not sure if it’s we’ve all changed (had children/moved away and then returned/grown up or grown old) or if it’s me. Or maybe it’s them?
I keep everyone at arm’s length. I’m put off by gushing over-bearing people of either sex as I dont trust them. I think I’m terrified of getting close in case I’m hurt again.
I sometones think if I was really really stuck in the middle of the night and needed help who would I turn to. The answer is there’s absolutely no one. Family who would be willing are all over an hour away. If I ever needed an operation and needed a lift back from hospital it would be a taxi I’d turn to as I wouldn’t have a clue who else to call on.
I’ve got “friends” who say lets meet for coffee…..yet they’re never free to meet, friends who say let’s go see “x” when it’s on next.I’ll call you…. they don’t so I do and we still don’t seem to arrange anything successfully so I give up.
Sad state of affairs! Not sure how I feel about it really. I’m trying to branch out an do things and am enjoying What I’m doing but everyone else is a couple or a group who also play golf/tennis/don’t work and always meet for weekday lunches etc etc. I’ve tried meet ups but found them so full of cliques that I felt a real outsider and I’m not up for dating – scares me senseless!!!
Maybe things will change as time goes on?

[Chickadee]

It makes sense. You want to make close friends during your abusive relationship, but they keep you isolated.

I had many friends previous to my two abusive relationships. My friends are still there, if they are really a friend the time passing/losing touch does not matter. You will find a way to pick it back up, it will come.

After I left my second abusive relationship and the kids and I got our own place, we were all exceedingly happy, content, and all of us made many friends, we became very involved in our community.

I feel like that but worse. My mum has passed. I really don’t have any remaining family, but my kids. They are away. Miss my friends. Have no one to hang with. Feel very alone.

[Chickadee]

The last paragraph is current. Pretty much where your at. And hoping to get back to living life.

[indunn]

I really identify with the ‘pushing people away’ I too was isolated he went through the friends first then tried the same with family- even his own! he wanted it just to be us. It happened over a period of years, my closet friend just wouldn’t be intimidated and didn’t care how badly he behaved but she sadly died. From then on, I just didn’t encourage people, it was easier as I knew he would eventually behave so badly they would disappear. I think as my behaviour changed over a period of time, it will take a period of time to reverse things? I too was never into loads of mates, but am hoping I can build new friendships in the future, at the moment coming to terms with ending things with him it pretty much foremost in my mind, I have left but we still have shared property to sort etc., so I’m probably not going to be life and soul of any thing 🙂 I’m looking at it like losing weight, we all forget how long it took to put the weight on and want to lose it in a week 🙂 it takes time or at least that’s what I am telling myself for now.

[Purple]

Thanks everyone for these replies makes me feel better that it’s not just me! I’m working on being ok with my own company and am planning to start a yoga class this week. Something I’ve wanted to do for a while but just havnt felt brave enough to go to on my own in the past. Onwards and upwards I guess! X

[freedomtochoose]

I’m finding this thread very thought-provoking and wonder where I am currently with this.

Round about this time in the morning I see my child off to school and wait for a safety text so I know they are there ok.

I guess I identify with the ‘going through phases’ thing.

Parts of me have changed obviously, there are times when I would like to have more people to share things with. There are times when I don’t want any emotional input (or output) and just feel tired and would rather do something that doesn’t involve having to switch on emotional intelligence.

I have an allotment which is quite close by. At times it is a lot of work, but I can disappear there and
there are quite a few women there and mums so it feels safe most of the time.

I don’t know whether I actively cut myself off from people or whether my situation is just sometimes so exhausting that when I do have time out – I’m just glad the house is relatively clean, the washing is done and I can just stare out of the window for a bit and watch the birds. I think recovery can be exhausting at times as our brains work very hard.

[Blondey]

sure do. I’m pretty much a loner. it’s what happens .we should have a nite out for us survivors !

[iwillbeok]

Hi Ladies,
I also found that I was very isolated during and after the end of my decades long abusive marriage. I subconsciously made excuses and just kept up superficial (not in the ‘bad’ way but surface level / small talk type) friendahips on FB. I have gone to reach out to old friends and then thought ‘why would they want to bother with me? They’ve moved on. Etc etc’

I have a few friends now who are very supportive but I am wary of ‘outwearing my welcome’ and find myself alone apart from children most of the time. I have tried to get out and meet new people and while that has been fine and I’ve had some good times, when people ask what my interests are I find myself making up pretty safe, bland answers – because I don’t actually know!!! I haven’t been me for so long that I don’t really know who ‘me’ is!!

I have a friend coming to stay in a while and I am beyond nervous! I have become used to my space and my privacy. She is absolutely lovely and I’m sure it will be fine but there is still that little voice ‘why you? What’s so special about you? Why would anyone want to be friends with you?’

He slowly and oh so subtly managed to convince me that he was the only one who truly appreciated me, was proud of me and understood me.

Iwillbeok x

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