Does anyone else suffer massive anxiety doing a supermarket food shop?

[Escaped not free]

This sounds crazy I know….but wondering if this is a major struggle for anyone else?
I have avoided this all week and felt massive fear about it and I’m not sure why. The pressure of food shopping I find extreme. Will I get everything I need? No idea what to make for dinner so what am I going to buy? Even making a list of things or doing it online freaks me out. One of the things that triggered the end of my relationship was me sitting in a supermarket carpark in my car, crying and shaking because I felt overwhelmed at food shopping. The pressure of making sure we had everything, that it was foods he would like, that it was meals that wouldn’t result in an evening of sulking and silent treatment, that I wouldn’t forget things then be ridiculed for having to go back again a couple of days later. That’s when I knew I was broken. I could no longer do something as simple as food shopping. I need to go today, I don’t have much time and my mind cannot focus on what to get and I’m freaking out. Writing a list which I’ve tried to do is not helping. Has anyone else suffered with this or is it just me?

[Healthyarchive]

Dear ENF, since I split and working through the trauma bonding i’m doing ok. At first, for the first 3 or 4 months I was riddled with sleepless nights, nightmares, obsessive and intrusive thoughts. These become less as the time goes on. Recently during the past months I have had a big trigger, a reminder of a big event that was happening. This affected me badly, I was walking around deeply fearful of just being. I felt so scared and in a permanent state of horrible fear. After a week or two this got better & I don’t feel like it now. X*X

[Healthyarchive]

I really like Serenity’s link that she posted this morning, that might help you. X*X

[SaharaD]

It’s not crazy. I hate going to the supermarket. I’ve had lots of panic in there. I know many people who struggle with it also. In addition to this, I find myself buying things not on my list as a comfort and because I know I have the money but it’s not a healthy habit.

I’m really thinking of going back to online shopping as it removes some of the anxiety and just topping up and the local shop in walking distance.

Yes when I lived with my abusive husband, he made food shopping a nightmare. At first he would refuse to come, then he would come along sulk and then leave half way through leaving me to pay for and lug it all the way back home alone. Then complain when I hadn’t bought something he wanted. There was frequent meal complaints too. In the end I just gave up going, which annoyed him more.

[KIP.]

Yes I had trouble and still do. It’s just more triggers. It’s crowded, noisy, and it triggers fears of his retribution for buying the wrong milk once! I got a half our melt down from him. After I was free from him I realised his meltdown was nothing to do with the shopping. That was the first thing that he could use as an excuse for his abusive dysfunctional behaviour when I got back from the shops. He was just waiting for my return and it could have been anything. Housework is another trick they use. Telling us the house is never clean enough or tidy enough. I suppose that’s an easy one to use as an excuse. Then our minds are taken up obsessively cleaning so we don’t have the head space to realise that he is the one with the massive problem. It’s how they control us. Time away from him and no contact is what counts. If I have to really go I rush in and buy the bare minimum to get me through the day. Then when I’m better I buy loads. It’s a lack of head space. Just now your head is filled with keeping yourself safe from him. In survivor mode we have little head space left for rational thinking ❤️ It’s normal behaviour from someone being abused. It does get better X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you ladies. Thought it was just me that felt this way. I’ve done it now, was fine, world didn’t crash in. Yes! The sulking, the obstinant attitude if I asked him to help with the shopping, asking him what he would like to eat that week only to be told, he was easy, he’d eat anything, that he didn’t mind and that it was me who was a picky eater?!?!?! Which is true, I guess he did always eat it all in a silent protest. The milk! None of us drink full fat milk or like it but if we ran out of it then I didn’t care about him. I was making him feel like an outsider if the fruit juice he liked wasn’t there. I’d tell him all the time if he didn’t ask me to get things then I couldn’t read minds. When we moved in together we were supposed to have a joint account that got paid into every month equally by us to cover all household expenses. He was always too busy to go and sign up for it at the bank so insisted on just putting money in my account, making me responsible for everything. It was so controlling and manipulative. It meant he acted like I was a housekeeper he paid so expected a certain level of service and absolved him of ever doing his share when it came to organise anything to do with house or groceries. I work full time, longer hours in a stressful job and contribute at the very least equally financially, more often more than equally. I’d have the kids at sports activities all day at weekends and get in in the evening to be greeted by his young son telling me he was hungry and asking what was for dinner? I pointed out that he could have fed his son if he chose but I’d just get the standard response of, “I didn’t know what was going on, you didn’t tell me what u had planned” he’d sit on his backside all afternoon then make me feel guilty because his son was hungry when i got home. His son had an equally long list of foods he found didn’t please him and would sulk and even cry at the table if he was presented with something he didn’t like. I remember making his packed lunch for school and being told that night how I’d caused him huge distress and a phone call home from the school because he was hungry and didn’t have an apropriate lunch. I’d put butter on his  sandwich which had caused distress. My exes response? , “don’t worry about it, she didn’t mean to upset you, she made a mistake, she’s sorry and you just need to tell her and she won’t make that mistake again”. I sat in silence in utter disbelief while this child looked at me like I was something seriously disgusting. At no point had anybody mentioned that he did not like butter on his bread, toast is fine apparently but not bread. Unbelievable. Then when I got out it meant even though I couldn’t live there all the bills were coming from my account so I had to carry on paying for everything or go into arrears. It stopped me having any options beyond being here with him. X

[KIP.]

You’ve just summed up your relationship. When did we become their carers? They know where the shops are X

[Serenity]

Yes!

For the first six months after separating, I could only shop from small shops.

Now, I do go big shopping, but I do get triggered sometimes. I find the whole thing quite difficult, though easier now than last year.

I still get triggered by preparing meals. This is because my cooking ( though I tried so hard and people say I am a good cook) was an opportunity for him to scare me and put me down.

I used to love cooking for people, and I hope I will get that enjoyment back again, but I don’t feel it right now. That is because food was a major obsession with my ex, and cooking triggers me.

[Escaped not free]

I used to love cooking for people as well. I’d think nothing of having a house full of fourteen including kids. Now I don’t even ask friends around for a drink as I find the whole thing of what to give people hugely stressful. It makes me feel useless so it’s good to know it’s not just me, that I’m not defective. I can’t imagine getting back to that but I do want to. (detail removed by moderator) I also remember when we had just moved in to the house, he invited a couple who are friends of ours for dinner, (detail removed by moderator) days after we moved in. Didn’t tell me their kids were coming and didn’t tell me he’d invited (detail removed by moderator)friends of his and their kids then acted like I was the odd one for not having enough food for everyone as people arrived that I had no idea were coming. Kept asking me where everything was, if there was more of everything, it was humiliating and horribly stressful. I’d forgot in until today. X

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi, yes I completely empathise. Generally the shopping happened together and was a trial of attempting to get all the ‘shopping rules’ right…the right dates on things, don’t squash anything, put everything in the right place, pack the bags correctly, pack the boot correctly etc. I have since found shopping an extremely difficult process from start to finish. I have often sat in the carpark,crying, unable to face getting out. The same went for cooking and the sulks because I was supposed to know that what had been his favourite he now suddenly hated so clearly I didn’t care about him. I recently had a friend help me with the shopping because my car was out action, it triggered me massively to shop in front of someone else. How sad that such simple everyday things caused us such fear xx

[Serenity]

Another thing about shopping:

For some reason ( because he wanted to be contrary and controlling), he would park the car at the furthest place from the shop in the car park.

Then he’d usually make me go in and do the shopping, packing up etc whilst he sat on his *** in the car.

At the time, I thought he was just being difficult, but now looking at it, I realise how unkind and awful that was. He enjoyed watching me struggle.

[Anon123]

I thought it was just me who felt like this,thank you for sharing
I’m a lot better now, since I took a bit of control back as I used to buy the foods he liked still.
I spent hours writing down all the foods we liked (me and kids ) and then I look at it and write down some before shopping. I get most on home delivery.
It does get easier.

[SaharaD]

OMG parking the car far away. We were married to the same people. He’d park far away and then proclaim I was lazy. when he didn’t have a car he hated going with me to do the shopping and carry his share… He’d conveniently for get the bags and just walk along with his two big EMPTY hands.

Strange men.

One of the men I date is always offering to carry my bags while we are walking together and drop me places in his car.

[older lady]

‘you just need to tell her, and she won’t make that mistake again’. Just look at the power dynamic there. Well, shopping, food, housekeeping issues were rife when I was involved with my daughter’s father. I think he is someone who dumps his own issues onto others, but I also think it’s a way of keeping someone distracted and focussed on petty details: micromanage them so they don’t get to focus on the bigger stuff. It’s disempowering. It feels like being trapped in a revolving door (they’re the ones constantly swinging it round so you can’t get out). Butter on bread: the father is telling the son just who is the entitled one. I recognise the same experiences you ladies outline with shopping and the anxiety I would feel at the thought of cooking him a meal, terrified of the criticism at my poor performance in advance of the event. After he was no longer in my kitchen, I would buy paper plates, etc so I didn’t have to wash up and when i don’t mind paying for the delivery charge I have had the groceries delivered. I try to give myself a break from all that nonsense he pushed at me. Xx

[Escaped not free]

Thank you older lady. I don’t know why I can’t move on from this now he’s not living here. You are right about the power dynamic and him being entitled. He would be horrible to my children, verbally insulting them and being unkind one minute then desperate for their attention the next. If I objected in any way I was told I was unreasonable as he was a child. If I pointed out that my children were not permitted by him to behave that way then he’d say his son was different. I never managed to get him to elaborate on different. I suspect it’s that my children have been brought up with a strong moral conscience and his son has been brought up putting others down to make him feel on top. I wish I could let go of this anxiety all the time. It’s unbelievably debilitating and I feel like I’m missing years of my kids lives feeling like this. My son only has a few years of school left before he is off into the world and I’ve been in such a state with my partner for the last few that it’s impacted on the life I should have had.

[older lady]

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my ex, it’s that there’s no point trying to talk anything through with an abusive person. They just don’t want to listen and will look for the opportunity to twist what is rational and reasonable into something that suits their agenda. There was no point in trying to get him to see himself. Your ex even sounds like a petulant child and that doesn’t look good on a grown man. This is why there can often be no closure after the relationship. There is no sense of putting things back into their proper perspective. It’s very frustrating. I have to put my ex in his own special box in my head. I know how you feel that you are missing your children’s childhood because you are having to deal with the effects of the abuse. You are finding your way to being a survivor of it. You will look back and see your strength, one day. I know what you mean though, because I have missed something of my own child’s growing up because I haven’t been able to focus properly, and my behaviour has been odd at times to say the least, because decisions have been made based on predicting the likelihood of abuse risk rather than on what would actually be nice or good. I just hope one day my adult child will understand it; that I love her and have been doing my best for her and myself to survive the abuse. I’m sorry your family and support network isn’t there. It’s sad that this isn’t untypical for many women escaping abuse. It’s why we need Women’s Aid so much and the support of people who know what it’s like. Anyway, i hope you feel supported on the forum. Take care Xx

[Tuppance]

Food shopping was always a big deal at mine too. We would plan the following weeks meals, all around what HE thought we should eat. I shopped in my own and would get comments on buying supermarket own brand stuff or if I bought some cakes as a treat. The meals were all sorted for the week so god forbid I changed it – what a sulk he went into and feeling like an outsider. Since I have been trying to separate I don’t plan the meals now and shop adhoc for stuff. He still needs to know in the morning what we are having but I don’t care now. He has what I am doing – sod him. Xx

[White Rose]

How is it we all get anxious by something as fundamental as food shopping?,
We’re women – we’re good at it!!
I still stress over the food shop even though he’s well gone from my life. I get palpitations if I buy a treat and heaven help me if I go into Waitrose even for a wander round – I need to be fed valium! Too many years under his influence saving pennies on my frugal shop based on his list which was absolutely useless and then supplemented by him going again as “I’d forgotten something ” aaaarghhhh.
I shop more often now and buy what i need for a couoke if days but still shake and peer over my shoulder as my hand hovers over a forbidden product!

[SilkyHalide]

Yes.
Also clothes shopping or in fact shopping for anything.
My children became anxious too and one of them suffered panic attacks while out shopping together but this could have been transference of my anxiety so in indirect effect on them.
I am finding it easier now but still have moments.
I would take so long I would get in a panic and would end up leaving without finishing because my panic about not being at home when he expected would overwhelm me.
I couldn’t buy things I wanted as guilt over spending money or time on myself was overwhelming

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

I completely empathise with you. I can’t easily visit large supermarkets, concert halls, theatre and cinemas. One supermarket keeps on setting me off into panic attacks and the others terrify me- it’s bonkers.

Simple solutions helping me include:

-Making to-do lists, so that I am not confused by tasks and overwhelmed by multiple product variations.
-Using online supermarket shopping. Just press that button and it will come to your door.
-A good laptop and high-quality earphones. These bring the cinema and concert experience to life as much as technology can.
-Going into all of the said trigger areas for limited amounts of time. This is great in building resilience, but the build-up can be destroyed if I get retraumatised by my abusers contacting me and/or doing something creepy.

Hope this helps.

Hugs and safety to you all

Lilycat x

[Nova]

Thanks Lilycat for the helpful shopping tips…I also identify with the shopping & cooking anxiety.
He used to buy himself the most expensive steak & wine & I got the cheapest options he would glare at me if I picked up ‘normal’ food…& would swap them, for the basics range…to keep peace!….out of fear of a confrontation, him moaning constant wingeing about the price of shopping
I know he earned a lot which was his to do as he wanted with…yet he made out like he was the provider( didn’t pay bills or rent) & that the shopping was providing! & I should be grateful. So weird & twisted in his mind.

Eventually I stopped eating things I liked or food he made (& sulked if I didn’t eat it…saying he would never do that!)
& I also stopped cooking…he had to have total control of the kitchen & the food …he said he got anxious if I was around! Total rubbish…Except he left me to clean up

Awful to have tolerated that for so long…

[Author]

Posts