20th May 2020 at 7:55 am #103869
I wouldn’t do this so don’t worry, this isn’t a possibility. Just a fantasy. Rage/anger I guess.
But honestly, I do picture smashing HIS face in. Taking that smirk right off his face. Smug little lowlife.
I’m not violent ordinarily, although when he hit me I did often flight back. Not always but some.
This isn’t a sensible course of action, fighting back. It escalates the violence, but sometimes the rage of ‘how dare you’ came to the fore. Hence why he’s been able to put the blame on me more easily. Six of one and half a dozen of the other etc. Not true by the way.
On one occasion (long time ago now) he did even have words of grudging respect. The next day. Probably just trying to manipulate me into fighting back in the future. Dunno.
Anyway, when we are able to I am going to find some classes, of a fighting/self defence nature. I think it may help to channel the rage which I feel when I realise he’s laughing at me. Made a mug out of me.
I watched SHOWGIRLS last night – terrible film really. Some cringe inducing overacting but there’s an awful scene (well two actually but we won’t dwell on the first-I had to turn away from that one) when the leading lady beats up the nasty/vile rapist. She proper gives it to him. It’s horrid (in that all violence is) but I’ve got to say I also did enjoy watching him get exactly what he deserved.
Think I may go and watch it again.. just that scene.
Apologies if this topic doesn’t resonate and you’re left thinking I’m a crazy/violent loon. The audacity that they think they’re entitled to beat you/me just gets me. How dare they. He used to say to me ‘who do you think you are?’.
I say ‘WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?’. You’re a bully and I hate bullies.
20th May 2020 at 9:34 am #103871EscapeeParticipant
I don’t think you’re on your own on this one 😉
I’m not at all violent but I’ve had some truly horrific fantasies about getting revenge. I guess, at the very least, we’re projecting our anger in the right direction and not turning it on ourselves.
Since being out of the relationship, those alien, violent thoughts have now gone thank goodness.
20th May 2020 at 9:51 am #103873BraelynnParticipant
Oh my yes! It’s quite normal and a better reaction to have the rage than fear and complacency. Absolutely go take some self defense courses or martial arts. Akido is a good one for women. You basically learn how to use their energy against them and not break a sweat. All women should know how to defend themselves.
23rd May 2020 at 12:08 am #104117Scottish ThistleParticipant
I used to want revenge too when the abusive and threatening behaviour really started, now I don’t know why but I just laugh at him and his new girlfriend. I think I was pushed too far and to my limit that I stopped reacting to him the way he wanted – me getting upset at what he’d say and do, tell him I’d change (when I was never in the wrong) beg him not to leave etc. It annoyed him that I stopped reacting, annoys him that I’ve blocked his number, on social media and I know he’s annoyed as acquaintances of his have randomly started messaging me about my ex and the messages sound so like him. My biggest boost and revenge to me in a way is I’ve had genuine people message me to say he’s let his standards slip with this new woman.
Don’t get me wrong I do still have days when he’s been awkward that I do wish harm on him but that’s usually short lived when I realise I’m free to be me again but he will always be who he has been which is a n********t, bully and manipulator.
23rd May 2020 at 5:47 am #104123
Abusers absolutely love any kind of reaction. The more extreme the better. The best way to take revenge is absolutely no reaction at all. Zero contact and block on everything. It drives them crazy. That’s how to get the upper hand. I only fought back once and was raped so I learned early on that wasn’t an option. He did catch me looking at a (detail removed by moderator) once when he had trapped me in the kitchen and he said (detail removed by moderator). Sometimes I wish I’d taken that (detail removed by moderator) and knocked him off his feet, but hes a liar and wouldn’t have allowed that. Pathetic coward. It’s they physical difference that will always give them the upper hand. I think it’s like us physically hurting a child. Just quite sick really.
23rd May 2020 at 10:04 am #104136IwantmebackParticipant
Hi everyone, this is an interesting thread, I’ve not had these feelings, I just want to be left alone, maybe if I did feel angrier I’d be more proactive in totally distancing myself. Guess it’s all those years of squashing down my anger, afraid to let it out in case it engulfs me.
23rd May 2020 at 10:43 am #104144
Some additional info which may be relevant to my situation. No, not maybe. Definitely is.
When I was a kid I had big brother who was at times a sadistic bully. Some memories have come up for me (last 3-4 months) about other stuff relating to the brother of a sexual nature.
I suspect the sadistic nature of his bullying possibly related to that ie to keep me quiet. He was perhaps unaware I actually didn’t remember. I do think on some level I did though because I fought back like an alley cat. I remember it felt like I couldn’t back down/concede. Of course he won every time but the fights were violent, I guess there was more at stake. A power struggle. I’ve always remembered the power struggle but not the sexual element until recently.
When both of my abusive ex’s have been physical ie they hit me I have at times (not always) fought back in the same way. A fight to win (I always lose) with me picking up weapons to try and even the odds. Sorry if anyone finds this difficult (I do) but I want to be honest. When we were (detail removed by moderator) he smashed my brand new (detail removed by moderator) into my nose/face because I’d flirted with a women in a (detail removed by moderator). We fought and as I say I fought like an alley cat and I bit his (detail removed by moderator) at one point. Like really badly. I was pretty beat up by then but I did manage to injure him as well. Oh, the (detail removed by moderator)was because he was on top of me, in fact kneeling on me and he did break my ribs.
God, writing this makes me realise how not normal the above is. What was I thinking. OMG.
I do think my reaction is a repeat of my first unhealthy power struggle with my brother.
REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.
I know it escalates the violence. IT IS NEVER ADVISABLE TO FIGHT BACK.
I am so relieved that we are at both physically unharmed. Except for the ribs (still trouble me-that’s another story-think he was doing stuff in my sleep).. and the cracked nose.. and his (detail removed by moderator) mark… but you know what I mean. Either one of us could have caused a fatal injury. That realisation is so stark it makes me physically sick to contemplate it.
This is perhaps a rather difficult topic and feel free to be honest with any replies. Just to clarify, I’ve never manipulated anyone in my life. I am kind and empathetic and often feel/notice peoples pain when others do not and have a desire to heal that. I think perhaps it has been my pain all along which I need to heal.
Much love to you all in this very difficult time and thank you to this forum for a safe place to express my thoughts/feelings without judgement. I judge myself enough already.
23rd May 2020 at 11:32 am #104150
Hey there, have you ever had counselling? I found it fantastic and I learned so much about myself and my past and how it affected my future. A new trauma can very often open up old traumas and maybe that’s why you’re remembering the old traumas. I know I buried my first so deeply for years. If someone had asked me the very next day what had happened I’m sure I would have said nothing. It wasn’t till years later I was able to process it. Speak to your GP about counselling. I suppose I went the opposite way and when faced with physical violence I withdrew and froze.
23rd May 2020 at 11:47 am #104152
I do think some counselling is in order but I looked online and it was like £50 per session. So if you had one per week that’s £200..
It’s a lot of money… in the current situ… I have got a referral but they sent a letter in March advising an August assessment so I was thinking wait for that.. I don’t know….
Any advice in terms of avenues to access would be appreciated. I don’t any outside support as such ie just friends and family atm.
23rd May 2020 at 11:53 am #104153
I found a local charity which is free. At the worst point when I was in a state of mental health crisis the NHS turned me away because I was still going to court and I had to borrow money to fund it. I had 10 sessions that got me over the crisis. Then I found this charity who are fantastic. So google your local area and ask victims support and women’s aid if they know of anything. I’m doing WhatsApp sessions but I’ve been going to face to face for about a year so I feel comfortable doing it this way. It might be worth teeing something up for after lockdown which may well be August. Read The Body Keeps the Score and see what other books are available that suits your past experiences x the government have made lots more money available for victims so search it out. My charity now offers free online counselling for abuse for the whole of Scotland as they got extra funding x
23rd May 2020 at 12:50 pm #104160Wants To HelpParticipant
I totally get you Same Again.
The fighting back is self defence you know. It takes two people to WANT to fight. If someone starts on you and don’t ease off then you are not CHOOSING to fight them, you are defending yourself. Sometimes, the defending can lead to a woman seriously harming or killing her abuser. OK, so if we’re being totally honest, the self defence sometimes gets marred with the ‘red mist’ of our anger and when we are defending ourselves we do really go for it and want to beat the s**t out of him. All our pent up anger, rage, frustration comes out in one go.
My fantasy was that my ex would die in an accident at work. At one point, the only way I thought possible of escaping the abuse was if he died. He had quite a risky job and had to travel a lot of miles too, so I would wish he’d get killed in a car crash on his way to work or back, or actually die on the job. It’s absolutely awful really to wish for this on anyone, but that’s how bad they make us feel and how trapped we are.
However, I now believe in karma, it never fails. My ex married another woman within (detail removed by moderator) of me leaving him. That relationship was even more violent than mine (she reached out to me and asked me for some help). They had a child but it ended in divorce, so then he had two lots of CSA to pay for. He married again shortly after than and had (detail removed by moderator) more children. That relationship is also violent. He is skint and unhappy. I feel sorry for the wife, but she has to make her own decisions. So, the karma is, my ex told me I’d never meet anyone else and I’d never make anyone happy, but here I am, happy as can be, single by choice at the moment and doing pretty well for myself. Can’t say the same for him 🙂
23rd May 2020 at 1:09 pm #104163
My ex used to go climb mountains and I would hope to get that call that he had fallen and died. I wished so hard that he would get lost and never return I felt so trapped too, no way of escape. I got a letter from my solicitor referring by to my ‘late husband’ and I can’t tell you the excitement I felt. It was an error by the typist 🙄
23rd May 2020 at 3:04 pm #104170Wants To HelpParticipant
Oh KIP, that is the worst typo ever!
23rd May 2020 at 3:22 pm #104171
Oh, that’s so funny though. Dark humour but I LOL. Hilarious. 🙂 🙂
Argh well, we managed to lighten up a challenging topic.
It’s still tickling me now. Too funny.
Thanks for your replies, I am reading YOUR BODY KEEPS TO SCORE on the couch now. Thanks KIP, really interesting.
Hey, another positive. If I wasn’t furloughed I wouldn’t be able to do this kind of reading and journal-ling and posting. So, ya know – every cloud.. 🙂
23rd May 2020 at 3:23 pm #104172
23rd May 2020 at 3:29 pm #104173
Ha. I’ve kept that letter 😂 cheer myself up when I’m feeling Low 😀 gooD for you making the most of this time x Healing from Hidden Absue is also a god read. It’s was 99p on Amazon. There’s lots on YouTube about the Body Keeps The Score x
23rd May 2020 at 8:00 pm #104181Bobocel-blossomParticipant
Hi there ,considering what is happening at moment with my life how much my health had declined because of him… I remember long time ago when he tried to grab me to stop me running away he was sec away from being hit by a (detail removed by moderator).Almost.I feel somehow low to think that but also all my family abroad whish that he was hit by the (detail removed by moderator).
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