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    • #35652
      WesternCloud
      Participant

      Hi, I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) as he took his emotional control to the next level when he told me I couldn’t go and pick my kids up (detail removed by moderator).
      At first he was cold and shut off, non communicative etc he does not like to show upset or hurt as he sees this as a weakness. As the week progressed he became more talkative and honest about things. We have had several discussions about what has gone on and I have not been afraid to tell him exactly how he makes me feel, I never have been. However I have told him that I think he needs to think about some sort of anger management or perhaps a form of couples therapy in order for us to try and rebuild our relationship.
      I need to think about my happiness as well as that of the kids. My question to the forum is if anyone out there has ever been able to move on from abuse and build a more functional, happy relationship? Can the abuser change for the better or is it a lost cause? I love him very much and for the most part we get along really well, I just want the undertone of anxiety and emotional control to go away. Am I silly for thinking it can??
      Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA x

    • #35655
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Change is unfortunately rare. You are not silly. we all want that. The reality is that it takes a lot of work for an abuser to change for YEARS ALONE. You can’t help him. You can’t even support him. He has to do it alone without the motive of getting you back.

      I suggest reading books by Lundy Bancroft. Going to the Freedom programme or a women’s domestic abuse recovery group and getting some counselling by yourself alone without input or interference from him. Without discussing the books and the groups and the counselling with him.

      You need to become strong enough to resist his abuse.

    • #35656
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      I dont know of any guy that has changed, i know quite a few people who had partners as abusers, the few that did decide to give another chance all ended up in more pain and have all took courage to leave them again, they just put this act on which lasts till they get us back and then mask falls off again . please do not waste your time giving another chance, i gave my ex endless chances and u know what the abuse upped and they take advantage and see it as permission to abuse us for accepting . I regeret taking this long to leave , all i did was waste my life with him, remember someone better will come along and even if they dont, ita better to be single then be abused

    • #35685
      Suntree
      Participant

      I can’t give you that. We did several lots of counselling together. He supposedly went to CBT.. He would behave for a while and then get worse.

      What he had was even more ammunition to use against me and the kids and he planned and knew what he was going to do.

      My positive is that we are now almost away from him. I am getting healthier and happier and the kids are too.

      Though the effect on them is harder as he was in contact with them for longer and did carry on emotionally abusing them.

      I wish I had left years before I did it would have protected them more.

    • #35705
      EeyoreNoMore
      Participant

      Everything I’ve read says to avoid couples counselling if you are in an abusive relationship.

      Abusers are, as we know, fabulous at making everything seem our fault and magnificent at absolving themselves of any responsibility. All that happens is the counsellor ends up agreeing with him, justifying his abuse and making your life even worse!

      I would love statistics on how many men go through these programs and how well they are behaving X years later. Oddly I can’t find this information anywhere…..

    • #35707
      Lightness
      Participant

      This may sound cold, but it is the way I look at my own situation. I am sharing this with good intentions and to help you.

      The way I see it, my abuser chose me because of what I could give to him. He did not choose me for being me. He couldn’t care less about who I am. On that basis, even if he were to miraculously change – I couldn’t be with someone who is essentially a con-man who just picked me out for what he could suck out of me. I’m worth so much more than that and so are you.

      xx

    • #35710
      Lightness
      Participant

      PS – this resonates with my own situation:
      ‘I love him very much and for the most part we get along really well’

      Yes, my abuser and I had some great times. He was a pain and very high maintenance and grumpy like Victor Meldrew but at the same time I used to snuggle up to him watching tv and do stuff that couples do, and buy him little things….. It’s so very confusing – because when I start thinking that ‘we got along really well’ I start writing down the abuse – and the list goes on and on and on. What I thought we had – a closeness of two people – was all an illusion, because he NEVER felt that way – it was all fake. An Oscar winning performance.

      The TRUTH is he barely let me speak, he put me down constantly, he told me how amazing he and his women were, he groped me, he shoved me, he stared at me with evil eyes, he told me what I had to/couldn’t do, he lied about our future, he denied his own words and actions, he shouted at me and he told me I was worthless. His behaviour has left me with anxiety and loss. I could go on. Western Cloud – write down your truth and see how you feel.

      Hugs to you – I’m so sorry you are having to go through this
      x

      • #35819
        WesternCloud
        Participant

        Thank you all so much for your very honest and frank replies. It is a huge help, I know deep down he needs a lot of work on himself and I have to realise that he needs to want to do that himself which he currently doesn’t. I have started counselling to help me become a stronger person, I realise that I need help to build myself back up but for now he is happy as he is.
        Its very sad when you love someone and realise you have to leave them behind but the sooner I come to terms with the fact that it isnt my job to fix him the better.
        Thank you all for your advice, its nice to share with people who have been through the same. I have a lot of supportive family and friends but none of them have been through it so its hard to be able to explain the pain of it all x*x

    • #35856
      Abcd
      Participant

      It’s hard. When I stepped out of the house the final night huge part of me wanted to run back apologise and sooth his pain. After all he had such a “good heart” he was just troubled… bla bla bla to be honest…. of course ur not staying with him for the bad stuff but for the good one. It’s hard to leave but u must be stron. People don’t change for somebody. Sad but true. Stop believing in potential just look at reality as it is now. He is as he is. And love should be based on respect. Maybe I’m being harsh. But that’s only to help. I wish u strength . U must take care of ur self and ur needs first

    • #35857
      Abcd
      Participant

      One more. Never say that u should have done it earlier. U ve done it when the time comes.it’s normal to care and forgibe the person u love. It’s healthy and beautiful. Saddly there is a lot of bad guys out there who would use that. But that’s never victims fault always the abuser. U will see it once u settle down. Good luck to u.kisses

    • #35859
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi, I stupidly believed everything he said and let him come home. I was convinced that he was going to make the effort to change. He is worse than ever like you I know I can’t fix him I am not brave enough to force him to leave. You are doing the right thing working on yourself I am trying to but it’s not easy. X

      • #35860
        WesternCloud
        Participant

        It’s very hard the inner conflict you face in these situations, one day you will have an epiphany moment and suddenly find the strength that up until now you haven’t been able to find. No one knows your situation better than you, if you feel like you are able to live alongside him then that’s your prerogative. My only advice to you would be that life is too short to be unhappy, we all deserve happiness and the unconditional love of another person. The unknown is scary but all I would say is imagine living how you are now for the rest of your life and weigh it up; which scares you more…good luck to you and stay strong x*x

      • #35871
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi,

        You are right to do what you do. I bowed to pressure from outside as well as him. Onwards and upwards it sounds like you know what you are doing and where you are heading and that is nice to read x

    • #35862
      Ayanna
      Participant

      No. Abusers never change. They just pretend for some time.

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