30th April 2020 at 8:25 am #102114LottieblueParticipant
I am lucky, so lucky, that I am locked down away from my abuser. I can’t tell you the relief if felt when it worked out this way. However, other members of the family are also split between two places and I worry for the one of our children who is locked down with him. This young adult is a strong young individual but I can feel that their sense of self worth is being gradually chipped away at. They would never admit it. They do not complain. But they describe his behaviour and I can see them gradually becoming deflated. There is nothing I can do about it, I can’t say get out of there, run, because they can’t. This “child” is very loyal to their father, loves him very much, and he is the kindest to this one of all our kids. Or the least unkind I should say.
Please don’t question how I let this happen. It’s the way the family was split when lockdown started. We could, perhaps, have done a quick reshuffle, but I felt a strong need to protect both myself and another of our children who is a real target, so it was a sort of sacrifice, as I thought that the child that was with him was the one who could stand up to him if anyone could – that was true but time has taken its toll.
I’ve really come on here by way of confession I suppose. I don’t miss him at all. It is a blessed relief being away from him. We speak often and it’s mainly ok, but I am very selective with what I say. He tells me he misses me and asks me if I miss him. I find it difficult to answer, because I really really don’t in any way.
And now I am absolutely terrified of the future. There will be a new normal – our youngest child has left school three months earlier than planned so I’ve been dropped right in it, and I have to find my way forward but I am scared.
30th April 2020 at 9:25 am #102115KIP.Participant
I think you should use lockdown to plan your future and that of your kids, to consider boundaries. To stop communication with your abuser and concentrate on your kids keeping the line of communication open. This safe time away can be used to your advantage. To regroup. To build a support network round you x
30th April 2020 at 10:38 am #102118LottieblueParticipant
Yes, as ever you are right, and I have definitely been building up my strength – really because I don’t have the constant put downs, leading to doubting myself. It’s good for me. When he tells me he’s really missing me my chest tightens – why would you miss someone who you clearly regard as a piece of dirt? Genuinely, is he not thinking that he’d be happier without me, the bain of his life, too?
I do feel glad that I have managed to protect the most vulnerable of our children, the one he is really unpleasant to. But I hope the one that’s with him won’t suffer lasting damage.
When friends gasp and say how awful it is that we haven’t seen each other for such a long time I realise how rotten it all is. I love it. I did at the start and I do still. It is just showing me that I am right and I am strong and I don’t need him.
Thanks Kip x
30th April 2020 at 10:57 am #102119CecileParticipant
Turn adversity to your advantage, as my abuser used to say. Can you get an occupation order or non mol now to prevent him returning? Ring a solicitor for advice. You are in a strong position if he won’t be made homeless. Bear in mind the legal system has allegedly not ceased to function to protect us.
With regards to the child who is with him, he or she can leave to get to your place if they are being abused. Can you have a discrete conversation with him/her? I don’t know how old they are but if teens or older should be able to say what they want to do, legally. Do not let the fact they are with him deflect you. Get advice from Relate, Cafcass or social services to allay your guilty feelings.This is an incredible opportunity for you. Emotionally you have proven that you don’t miss him…tick. You are happier….tick. You are fully woken to his malignant ways…tick. Realising you have a future without him….tick.
One of the ways these men operate is to make us feel guilty all the time. It’s like trying to stop a flood in your house. We constantly are in a spin, treading on egg shells, firefighting, blocking water from pouring in. You are still in a high state of anxiety. You must do what is best for you.you cannot win any other way. You cannot keep patching things here and there to minimise the harm he does to your children. Lottieb, you are magnificently placed to take control. Use it. Make a list, with a goal of being free. First, get advice on the child who is with him and try and get assurance from this child. Get a legal advice…still possible..on blocking his return. Speak to Women’s Aid, for your own needs. You will never look back. (detail removed by moderator). Life can get so amazingly incredibly better.
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