30th April 2020 at 8:25 am #102114
I am lucky, so lucky, that I am locked down away from my abuser. I can’t tell you the relief if felt when it worked out this way. However, other members of the family are also split between two places and I worry for the one of our children who is locked down with him. This young adult is a strong young individual but I can feel that their sense of self worth is being gradually chipped away at. They would never admit it. They do not complain. But they describe his behaviour and I can see them gradually becoming deflated. There is nothing I can do about it, I can’t say get out of there, run, because they can’t. This “child” is very loyal to their father, loves him very much, and he is the kindest to this one of all our kids. Or the least unkind I should say.
Please don’t question how I let this happen. It’s the way the family was split when lockdown started. We could, perhaps, have done a quick reshuffle, but I felt a strong need to protect both myself and another of our children who is a real target, so it was a sort of sacrifice, as I thought that the child that was with him was the one who could stand up to him if anyone could – that was true but time has taken its toll.
I’ve really come on here by way of confession I suppose. I don’t miss him at all. It is a blessed relief being away from him. We speak often and it’s mainly ok, but I am very selective with what I say. He tells me he misses me and asks me if I miss him. I find it difficult to answer, because I really really don’t in any way.
And now I am absolutely terrified of the future. There will be a new normal – our youngest child has left school three months earlier than planned so I’ve been dropped right in it, and I have to find my way forward but I am scared.
30th April 2020 at 9:25 am #102115KIP.Participant
I think you should use lockdown to plan your future and that of your kids, to consider boundaries. To stop communication with your abuser and concentrate on your kids keeping the line of communication open. This safe time away can be used to your advantage. To regroup. To build a support network round you x
30th April 2020 at 10:38 am #102118
Yes, as ever you are right, and I have definitely been building up my strength – really because I don’t have the constant put downs, leading to doubting myself. It’s good for me. When he tells me he’s really missing me my chest tightens – why would you miss someone who you clearly regard as a piece of dirt? Genuinely, is he not thinking that he’d be happier without me, the bain of his life, too?
I do feel glad that I have managed to protect the most vulnerable of our children, the one he is really unpleasant to. But I hope the one that’s with him won’t suffer lasting damage.
When friends gasp and say how awful it is that we haven’t seen each other for such a long time I realise how rotten it all is. I love it. I did at the start and I do still. It is just showing me that I am right and I am strong and I don’t need him.
Thanks Kip x
30th April 2020 at 10:57 am #102119CecileParticipant
Turn adversity to your advantage, as my abuser used to say. Can you get an occupation order or non mol now to prevent him returning? Ring a solicitor for advice. You are in a strong position if he won’t be made homeless. Bear in mind the legal system has allegedly not ceased to function to protect us.
With regards to the child who is with him, he or she can leave to get to your place if they are being abused. Can you have a discrete conversation with him/her? I don’t know how old they are but if teens or older should be able to say what they want to do, legally. Do not let the fact they are with him deflect you. Get advice from Relate, Cafcass or social services to allay your guilty feelings.This is an incredible opportunity for you. Emotionally you have proven that you don’t miss him…tick. You are happier….tick. You are fully woken to his malignant ways…tick. Realising you have a future without him….tick.
One of the ways these men operate is to make us feel guilty all the time. It’s like trying to stop a flood in your house. We constantly are in a spin, treading on egg shells, firefighting, blocking water from pouring in. You are still in a high state of anxiety. You must do what is best for you.you cannot win any other way. You cannot keep patching things here and there to minimise the harm he does to your children. Lottieb, you are magnificently placed to take control. Use it. Make a list, with a goal of being free. First, get advice on the child who is with him and try and get assurance from this child. Get a legal advice…still possible..on blocking his return. Speak to Women’s Aid, for your own needs. You will never look back. (detail removed by moderator). Life can get so amazingly incredibly better.
21st June 2020 at 5:33 pm #107100
Ok. I feel stupid looking at what you said because I have just “wallowed” in our enforces separation. I won’t say that I haven’t prepared myself, but my strength has definitely waned, with the WA support I was getting.
Something has happened today. There is a plan for the two halves of the family to reunite (detail removed by Moderator). But my OH has lost it with our daughter. She’s beside herself. I told her to pack up and leave and come back to me here. She went off to do it but is now saying she can’t. However this has steeled me slightly. She now knows. She knows what it’s like and she has heard my advice, the voice of knowledge. I feel so angry with him right now I’d be really happy not to see him again.
I just want to wrap her I my arms and tell her she never needs to be treated like that again.
Right now, right now, I feel I could say to him that’s it. I’m going (where, I’m not too sure but I don’t actually care). I think the thing that makes me so afraid is his immense power over me. I need to go back and read what the lawyer wrote because that will remind me that it will be ok. He holds all the cards. All of them.
21st June 2020 at 6:18 pm #107105CecileParticipant
Lottieb. You must plan and plan and treat yourself as if you are your own mother. Write it in the third person…”lottie needs protected”. I realised too late that where I thought I could protect my children, I couldn’t. The only protection is to get them away.
You said he holds all the cards. Really? What about your desire to be free of him? He doesn’t hold that card, I.e you. He doesn’t have your emotional intelligence and insight. If a friend was in this fix what would you say to them? He may currently have some control over your finances but insert it into your plan to get the finances split by legal means. He does t hold the cards of the law of the land. He may protest and try to exert more control as mine is currently doing through a solicitor and yes it’s horrible but he is just proving my accusations. Do you really have to go back?
I don’t know how old your daughter is but you could consider seeking advice from children’s services (assuming she is under 18). Remember bet these idiots are bullies and cowards. He will retreat. Come back twice as hard.
21st June 2020 at 7:06 pm #107111
All my children are over 18 now. X
21st June 2020 at 7:14 pm #107113
Just re-read Cecile. You are right. Of course. The cards he holds are financial but also property-wise. Which isn’t just financial it’s historical too. But also he has “managed” everything through the business and this is connected to his family too. I have some cash set aside but I just don’t know how much I’ll need. There is so much that he organises and over which I have no control and no knowledge really. Insurance, things like that. I don’t know to what extent he can just cut me out of things, or how quickly he will do that. I am terrified of throwing money at a lawyer when I might need it more for other things.
The lawyer I have spoken to is a DA specialist and I really know that this is important, but I don’t know if I need someone with more clout as this is not going to be a straightforward battle. My OH used lawyers almost daily for one thing or another and I fear that imbalance of power too. What’s the most important thing here? I fear my woman may be out of her depth.
I really want to use the fire that this has ignited inside me. I really want to be free from him.
21st June 2020 at 7:36 pm #107116ScapegoatParticipant
Lottieblue, I really feel for you. I recognise the relief you are talking about, I used to experience it the minute I went out to work.Now after being in lockdown for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and unable to go back to work yet because I am shielding it has escalated into the most hurtful experience. His solution is simple- what I am I still doing here f*** off, leave -go. Other than I haven’t got anywhere to go, the house is mine too. But according to him I haven’t paid as much as I worked part time when our child was younger and his 2 children ( from previous marriage) whom I looked after as well. If I say I’m not walking away without an agreement- as I would trust the devil more- I just get told, shut the f*** up then and go away. Just been looking at it all and it seems so unfair. He works when he wants always borrows money off me. All the bills/mortgage come out of my account which he is supposed to give me money for every week (half) when he’s not working I have to pay it. If I walk away, he won’t organise anything he will say tough luck you walked. If I file for divorce he will ignore it. I will end up racking up thousands in court fees, I will still have to pay everything as comes out of my account and then I’ll have to give him half my savings ( my Nan recently gave me some money which he doesn’t know about)
It just seems so unfair when all he does is shout at me, shove/slap/grab/choke/throw stuff at. I can’t go out anywhere and have never had nights out with friends. I really don’t want to involve police as I’m too scared to stand up to him. He threatens on a daily basis to kick me out, destroy me, lose me my job, hurt me blah blah. Says it’s my own tough luck as I haven’t paid him enough attention, had sex with enough times, paid him compliments enough. I really don’t even know how a human being can be that evil and have no conscience. Lottieblue, well done you for contacting a lawyer, I can’t even do that as don’t get any time alone. My local WA sent me a load of forms re: idva/DAsh it just scares the hell out of me. Currently, I really just want to curl up and die somewhere as I can’t see any way out of this I’m too much of a coward. Good luck Lottieblue, stand strong, I hope you get the release to be you 💕
27th June 2020 at 5:54 pm #107834
For the first time since lockdown, our household is back together. It took 8 mins from his arrival for the first criticism. What I have failed to do in his absence. He has gone off to rectify this. The list will be endless, I’m sure. I’m already anticipating all the things I will be guilty of. The wise words of the owls on this forum go round in my head. If it wasn’t that it would be something else.
I am not going to last long. It’s definitely the drip drip. Just about overflowing. The taps been fully sealed for a while but the dripping has just restarted.
Can’t do it for much longer. I think I’ll be gone by the end of the summer.
27th June 2020 at 6:14 pm #107839Wants To HelpParticipant
Lottieblue, it may not even take you that long. You know the signs you are looking for now and I’m sure you will be mentally noting every single one of them. He’ll find many things to criticise because you can’t possibly have managed without him for all of this time?! So he will need to undermine and find fault with so many things, just so that you know you could not get by without him on a permanent basis. If he was to compliment you on anything that would mean he would actually admire you and hold value to what you have achieved alone – but hey, that would mean that you are a capable woman, and he can’t have you thinking that at all. No, he needs to remind you that you are not able to function without him, in fact, without him you f*ck most things up and it’s a good job he’s back to take charge around here!
I soooo hope you prove me wrong on my prediction with all that, but not on my prediction that you may leave before the end of summer 🙂
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