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    • #146135
      redred
      Participant

      my husband has filed for divorce but we are still living together with the kids as its early and he has nowhere to go. he disappears every night just coming home to (detail removed by moderator) then goes and returns in the early hours. I found out that he is likely seeing someone else and I sort of confronted him about it as he has been accusing me of affairs for years and its got very nasty. I said I was going to go out with a friend for a couple of hours he knew who so it wasn’t like he thought I was on a date. Came back he started up again with the whole why will I never admit what I did, that I had obviously had sex with multiple men throughout our time together, including on (detail removed by moderator). when I ask for specifics he does this weird laugh like he cant believe I don’t already know what he’s on about and then say things like oh why will you never admit it, it will all come out in the end etc. then said I was emotionally abusing him. He said I am the reason his family stopped speaking to him (detail removed by moderator). (I wanted to observe covid rules he and they didn’t) now suddenly they are apparently all supporting him and I am evil.
      Ive been in touch with local domestic abuse teams and the police due to coercive controlling behaviour and verbal abuse. thing is he really seems to believe I’ve done all these awful things that I really haven’t. Ive been a nervous wreck for years in case he doesn’t believe where I have been etc. I just feel so exhausted and so awful but he really seems to believe all the stuff he says about me. He said it was a mistake to have had our children into this family. I just can’t understand

    • #146151
      Eclipsed
      Participant

      Oh redred, this sounds so exhausting. This is very calculated manipulation, I would imagine he doesn’t believe a word of it. My husband has said similar in the past and been utterly convincing that he “knows what I’ve done”. Despite being the one who filed for divorce and you suspect he is seeing someone else, he is still maintaining a great deal of control. Abusers seem to always use the turn the tables tactic of ‘you’re the one who is abusing me’ it’s just another form of gaslighting.
      They will also do their upmost to turn others against you while painting themselves to be victims – like he has his family.
      To bring your children into the manipulation by calling your family a ‘mistake’ is heart-breaking to hear but sadly not uncommon amongst abusers. I admire you for having the strength to reach out here. If you’re new here, there’s a chat facility available so you can talk through your options with someone supportive and they can direct to other organisations that can help. Please keep posting here too, I’m new but the ladies advice so far has been wonderful xx

    • #146152
      Plodding
      Participant

      Hi redred
      I have this aswell, very recently in fact and it’s amazes me how they all use the same things ! Iv never had an affair and mine said to me “oh I know what’s been going on” and I thought ,, what? What has been going on? Please tell me !!! What eclipsed has said is very helpful I often think they don’t really believe that it’s just a weapon to use x

    • #146153
      Plodding
      Participant

      Hi redred
      I have this aswell, very recently in fact and it’s amazes me how they all use the same things ! Iv never had an affair and mine said to me “oh I know what’s been going on” and I thought ,, what? What has been going on? Please tell me !!! What eclipsed has said is very helpful I often think they don’t really believe that it’s just a weapon to use x

    • #146191
      redred
      Participant

      The look in his eyes when he’s saying it, it’s like he’s someone else, he has this specific scenarios which are just absurd. He said (detail removed by Moderator), but I just genuinely care about him despite how awful he is being. He keeps saying (detail removed by Moderator). I’m just so sad. He’s asleep now and therefore not being mean and I just want to go curl up next to him and forget it all. I know I should hate him but I can’t and this is just horrible

      • #146202
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        oh redred, how sad and difficult all this sounds for you. I’m glad you have found here to let out your pain to.

        He’s being so awful to you, and will turn the tables on you I’m sure, they mostly do.

        He wants you to be isolated by saying things like this aobut your friends, so you will distrust them.

        Like us all, you just want it to stop. It does take some getting your head around that he won’t stop, and this is who he is. You don’t have to live this way though. It would be great if you just curl up next to him and it all just be a horrible nightmare, but sadly it will go on. He will continue to abuse and that will include the children. I’m sure your friends don’t ‘hate’ you. Maybe you could spend some time connecting with them and having some good times, away from him. Its also common fo rthem to slate your mothering abilities. Some will report to SS and try to get the children removed, or use that as a threat to make you do as you are told, control you.

        I hopeyou can find some inner peace tonight

        warmest wishes

        ts

    • #146275
      redred
      Participant

      thanks everyone, I am really struggling tonight, I found more proof that he has found someone else and I cannot believe how much this hurts. I know he has been so awful but I am finding this so hard.

    • #146303
      Auriel
      Participant

      redred abusive people tend to project a lot (in fact loads) they believe we have the same mindset behaviour thoughts and actions as them when in fact we’re the opposite which is why the relationship lasts as long as it does, they’ll accuse you of doing everything they’re doing/thinking of doing, your not I’m assuring you evil if you’ve stayed with an abuser for a while your usually far from it because our good traits are what abusers need to prolong things, they throw all the unacceptable part of themselves at us and none of which are true, it’s possible he’s been with other women so please be careful if having contact with him in that way (people forget sometimes when you sleep with someone there’s a family tree kinda thing behind them) it’s such a toxic situation your in it’s really not normal (normal for abuse only) I hope you find a way to break out and find the freedom peace and happiness you deserve 🤗💖🤗

    • #146329
      redred
      Participant

      Thank you everyone for your support. I’ve found out for definite there is someone else. So all these things he’s accused me of and its him all along. I am utterly devastated. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to support him and understand his trust issues and he is on a mission to destroy me

      • #146347
        Auriel
        Participant

        🤗🤗💝💝🤗🤗

    • #146485
      Stillherebutnotme
      Participant

      They must have an abusers handbook they all use. I have been put through the same. Accused of cheating since the start, demanding (detail removed by Moderator), and then found out he has been the one cheating on me. Which I never got an apology for and told it was my own fault. The constant checking up, wanting to see my phone. It is exhausting, I wish I could give you a big hug

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