Viewing 7 reply threads
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    • #89794
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      I still can’t get my head around whether he is being abusive on purpose. Sometimes I think he must be because it’s so targeted and then I can’t understand how or why he would be so calculating and cruel. How do I know if he is aware of his abusive behaviour and whether he is willing to ever stop? Or is it just who he is, which is so sad.

    • #89795
      KIP.
      Participant

      Does he abuse you in front of witnesses or does he save it for private. Mine saved it for private because he knew it was absolutely wrong. He chose to do this. He was always in control.

    • #89800
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      I think they believe their behavior is totally normal, which is why they don’t respond to counseling and such because they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. Even if you point it out, they’d not change. For me, it was public as well as private and ever-y-thing was my fault. Have you read “living with the Dominator”? I think it was KIP who put me on to this book and I haven’t stopped reading since, think I’m on my 5th book now about this subject. I find it fascinating, but dreadful at the same time having been on the receiving end like you. Xx

    • #89816
      Lemonnaise
      Participant

      Years later, I still can’t decide whether it’s totally calculated or they are unable to behave any differently because it’s just who they are. They don’t have values, morals or a conscience, so how can it all be deliberate?
      I’d love to get inside the head of my abuser. Then again I’m not sure I want to know. They are sick and evil and there is no cure.

    • #89819
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thanks all. He doesn’t do it in public and has only done it in front of the kids a few times. I suspect most people would be very surprised if I told them what he does.

    • #89834
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes. He knows it’s wrong and he hides the abuse. He will get more and more lax about abusing you in front of the children and always have an excuse. Basically it’s your own fault. We also begin to hide the abuse. To protect our abuser. That’s why you haven’t shared this. Please share his abuse with others. It keeps in in perspective and prevents you normalising it. I had a lock on my bedroom door to keep him out and would often open it when he became loud and aggressive so that my son wouldn’t hear. How twisted is that. Abuse is insidious. If you haven’t already, please make plane to get it out your life before it sucks the life from you x

    • #89928
      Catjam
      Participant

      Do they ever tire of being this way? I am totally drained being on the receiving end of it, so surely he must get weary of being so manipulative and doesn’t he enjoy ‘the good times’?

    • #89929
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      No sadly Catjam, it’s their reason for being, they get their energy through it because it keeps us focussed on them – sapping our energy at the same time, dragging us down and totally exhausting us. The good times are the way to keep us hooked so they serve a purpose for them so yes he will enjoy the good times because it’s leading up to the next drama 😞 xx

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