Does it ever change?

[Happymoomin]

Since leaving my partner, she and her family have sent me countless messages and calls asking me to give this person a second chance and that are truely sorry. They have cried and begged me to go back.
The abuser has physically, emotionally and verbally abused me for (detail removed by moderator). I have been subject to very violent physical abusive where my life was in jeopardy more than once.

The abuser is telling me how they have started going to therapy and they want to change and they are so sorry. Im not sure what to do, a huge parts of me hopes for whats been lost. I know I cannot trust this person, but could any of what they are saying be possible?

[Kitkat44]

Hi there happymoomin,

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through.
It is possible but most likely knowing these
are the things you want to hear and they will do that to hook you back in.
Time will tell, true change takes an awful amount of work I have a list saved that Lundy Bancroft states are signs of real change but it will take years!
I understand it that An abusers beliefs are very deep subconscious wiring that they can’t just decide to behave differently and it all falls into place. We all hope and they know that too.
Take care xx

[Kitkat44]

Here’s the checklist x

Checklist Lundy Bancroft

* Admitting fully to what he/she has done
* Stopping excuses
* Stopping all blaming of her
* Making amends
* Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
* Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
* Identifying the attitudes that drive his/her abuse
* Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring themselves cured
* Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
* Not demanding credit for improvements he/she has made
* Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
* Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
* Carrying his/her weight
* Sharing power
* Changing how she/he is in highly heated conflicts
* Changing how she/he responds to his/her partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
* Changing his/her parenting
* Changing his/her treatment of her as a parent
* Changing his/her attitudes towards females in general
* Accepting the consequences of his/her actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)

[Anonymous]

From my experience solely it doesn’t change , I was told all of the above and believed it , went back into the relationship again as I had thought losing me had made him realise his behaviour, unfortunately I got pretty much the same all over again if not worse . No one can advise you on what to do if you are thinking of going back into a relationship with your ex , These are tactics they use to lure you back , do you really want to put yourself through all that again and even if they have changed or realised their wrongs isn’t this relationship now tainted for you ? Can you get passed all of what has previously happened to you in that relationship to try again? It’s good if they have taken steps into their actions and accountability for their behaviour as you wouldn’t want someone else to go through what you already have . Think of yourself & your needs x*x

[Author]

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