Does it ever end?

[Lionsloth]

Have woken up this morning from yet another dream reliving the abuse. Yet again when having sex with someone else I completely trust, my head was in the abuse. Random times I’m suddenly back in the moment. I want it to stop, I don’t want to think about, to relive it but how do I make it stop? Do you get free of it? What can I do?

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful angel… Lionsloth,
I’m sorry to hear that you are having bad dreams and having to relive things.
It does get better, believe me, and things will start to fade but it is a journey and you do need to put the work in as a daily practice.
Try keeping a dream journal and what you can remember about your dreams write down as soon as you wake… this may be painful and upsetting to do but it is moving the emotions through the body and you have to ‘feel to heal’
Also if these dreams are happening regularly try having a bedtime routine to relax you into sleep, doing a meditation before bed might help & clear your mind of any thoughts of your ex.
Have you spoken to a counsellor? This may be a good option to work things through as well, if this is not an option for you journaling your thoughts morning and evening can really unravel thoughts that can be confusing. Affirmations help as well … maybe an affirmation similar to … ”I am safe and protected now” … this will remind your subconscious mind that you are safe and protected and filter this into your dreams.
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Hi Lionsloth, I am sorry you are reliving the abuse and having nightmares. This happens to me too and many other ladies. It can get better, with time and being kind to yourself. Counselling has been really helpful to me and I am finding that I relive things much less often now and feeling stronger each week. It is important to find therapist who understands and let’s you take things at your own pace.

As Darcy says, affirmations can help. For some people journalling can be useful, I write down my thoughts and feelings or things I want to discuss in therapy. I have a list of “anchors” in my journal which I read or say aloud when my emotions and thoughts overwhelm me. They are statements that bring me back to the here and now, and remind me I am safe and have good things in my life now. You could try essential oils like lavender or geranium to help calm you before bed, and breathing exercises like box breathing. I also listen to binaural beats for deep sleep on my earphones sometimes.

It doesn’t suit everyone, but I find researching and reading has helped me to understand better and take some of the power away from my ex in my mind. There are some good books around if you are a reader.

I totally relate to what you said about those thoughts intruding when you are being intimate with a current partner. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable so I think that is natural. Is your partner aware and understanding of what you’ve been through?

Take it day by day, it will get better. Love and hugs x

[Lionsloth]

Thank you both for your advice and kind words, it’s comforting to know it’s not just me and there’s hope that things will get better. It means a lot.
I did almost have counselling but bottled it as having to talk about it is like having to admit to myself what happened and after (detail removed by Moderator) years of playing things down and covering things up I guess my default is just to block it out. But other people’s involvement has kind of been like lifting the lid and now I can’t stuff it all back in the this didn’t happen part of my brain! The thing is I’m not sure I can cope with facing/acknowledging/talking about all that has happened.
I will try some of your other tips though and it’s reassuring to know that it doesn’t last forever and at some point he may get the f out of head! Thank you x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Oh, Lionscloth <3I really understand what you’re saying there. I actually escaped my relationship a long time ago, and basically buried/minimised everything for years and years. I tried to forget because it was too hard to accept the man I loved had been monster, and I felt ashamed, like it had been my fault. So I “moved on”…. and even got married to a lovely man. It was easier to pretend it hadn’t happened.

Only recently have I been unable to keep a lid on it any longer. One of the lovely ladies here said to me “trauma is like a ripple in a carpet…you can flatten it down, but it will pop up somewhere else”. I have only just sought help and counselling in the last few months…I felt as though I didn’t deserve help, because I should be over it by now. I was upset about dragging it all back up.

But In a way I am grateful, as the distance has allowed me to work thorough things and understand myself better – why I am the way I am. My counsellor said sometimes this can only happen when you are strong and secure enough to process it all; which can take years. I didn’t feel strong a all, but what she said makes sense now. It’s hard, I’m not there yet, but I feel like the power he had over me is getting smaller each day, and mine is growing.

That’s just my experience, and yours will be unique to you. You may not feel ready yet…but I wanted to share, in case any of this resonates with how you are feeling. Please be assured that healing has no timeline, and we all get there at our own pace. It’s never too late xx

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