- This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
So it has been a number of weeks since I left with my children. In the beginning I allowed access to our daughter as I didn’t want to deny this bond but so far it has been nothing but detrimental. His behaviour is so unpredictable! He goes from being nice calm and saying we should get on for our daughter, try medication etc so I feel bad for him as I had stopped contact with him ( he then just showed up) had messaged myself and my parents stating he’d be picking our daughter up as planned as I was supposed to be away with friends abroad. So he was all nice, seemed desperate and begged to see our daughter again so I agreed days later via text. Even if he got just one hour with her he seemed grateful and was will to accept seeing her at my parents. He turned up early and was awful! Clearly gunning for a fight, demanding he had our daughter overnight. Confrontational when I tried to explain that for now I wanted her here with me for stability etc. He wouldn’t have it at all, talked me down said I was the controlling one not him blamed everything on me. I couldn’t speak to get my point across or express myself and he wouldn’t allow my mum the same either. I don’t think he’d leave it was so tense and our poor daughter was subject to all of this! We got my brother in law to pop in, luckily it helped and they left. My ex was painting a bad picture of me wouldn’t accept any responsibility for anything.
My solicitor said I could try mediation if I felt comfortable but really will it achieve anything? My ex wants our daughter nearly all the time and he doesn’t respect my wishes which I believe are best for her at this present moment in time. She’s already fairly damaged by our relationship. I can’t believe I’ve done this too her and it’s still happening.
The more I talk about my relationship with my family the more I realise just how bad it actually was yet I thought it was normal. How does it go from them loving you to this? Such a mess and so nasty and twisted xx -
-
Absolutely no mediation. Women’s aid say no. All that happens is he uses it to continue the abuse. Just like youre describing. He obviously doesn’t have his daughters best interests at heart. All that he cares about is continuing his abuse of you through contact. You should be having zero contact with him. Contact brings anger, manipulation, mind games, control. He wants her most of the time so he has access to you most of the time. He sees her only as a tool for revenge and further abuse. My advice is don’t do mediation. Get a non molestation order to prevent a repeat of his behaviour. And sort out the contact through the solicitor with supervised visits to begin with if at all. But only when you have a legally binding agreement so that if he breaks it you can take him to court which I believe is inevitable. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Dates and times and witnesses and how distraught your child was. This will become important as evidence.
-
I’m not convinced myself about mediation to be honest anyway as whatever I suggest regarding our daughter he kicks off about. He now wants to meet my sister to discuss seeing our daughter as due to his behaviour I have had to limit his contact with her. I believe it’s another way to manipulate the situation as only recently he was blaming her for our split!
I am doing my best to keep a record. I also have messages to his mother from early in our relationship stating how awful he was being and she was confirming some of his behaviours back then! -
mediation dosent work i know one off my family members did this my SIL he twisted everything on to her – coersed her in to contact and she was left feeling upset and more confused. she had to put her foot down in the end like me too its the only way with these guys. its rubbish but honestly if you want to move forward it has to be through the proper channel. set in stone really xx because they often think they can cross the line with the law but there are repercussions this way and its the only way to stop this damaging behaviour for the sake of your daughter and you + family because everyone becomes afflicted xxxx
-
-
I’m expected by the court to try to mediate. I’ve told my solicitor from day one that it’s not going to happen. It’s pointless and he will just take the opportunity to flex his muscles and try to humiliate me again. I will set down what I want and what I will accept and if that’s not acceptable to him then I will let the court decide x
-
this is from scottish womens aid;
in civil actions relating to children, by law, the welfare and
safety of the child is paramount but the increasing emphasis on mediation often
disregards or minimises the presence of domestic abuse. This compounds existing
failures to recognise the extent and nature of domestic abuse resulting in unsafe
contact arrangements being made that are neither risk -assessed or monitored
adequately.
The accepted position across many jurisdictions is that mediation is wholly
incompatible with protecting the interests of women, children and young people
experiencing domestic abuse 1
. Despite this, we are aware that, regrettably,
inappropriate referrals occur already; legal and other advisers with poor
understanding of domestic abuse have directed women towards the process and
women have engaged in mediation at the behest of their lawyer because it has been
suggested that if they do not do so, the courts will regard them as unreasonable,
obstructive, hostile or “entrenched in a position” should they refuse to attend and that
this may have implications for the eventual outcome of child related actions. 2
A clear distinction must be made between persons litigating or considering litigation
because of a dispute and women, children and young people experiencing domestic
abuse who are seeking protective orders, or an order regulating an abuser’s
opportunity for contact and residence of the children. It must be recognised that the
woman and the abuser are not simply having a “disagreement “or a “dispute”; they
have not “fallen out” nor do they have a “problem” which can be “sorted out” or
“easily resolved” by negotiation. Fathers who have been abusive to their partners or
ex-partners have made what David Mandel calls “a parenting choice to be abusive3
”;
the issue is much more serious and determines children’s right to live in safety and
their protection from abuse.1
Johnson NE, Saccuzzo DP and Koen WJ (2005). Child Custody Mediation in Cases of Domestic
Violence : Empirical Evidence of a Failure to Protect; Violence Against Women 2005 11: 1022;Bryan,
P. (1992). Killing us softly: Divorce mediation and the politics of power. Bluff LawReview, 40, 441-
523;Grillo, T. (1991). The mediation alternative: Process dangers for women. Yale Law Review, 100,
1545-1581;Hart, B. (1990). Gentle jeopardy: The further endangerment to battered women and
children in custody mediation. Mediation Quarterly, 8, 326-327.
2 Goundry, SA, Peters , Y, Currie, R ( 1998) :Family Mediation in Canada: Implications for Women’s
Equality; A Review of the Literature and Analysis of Data from Four Publicly Funded Canadian
Mediation Programs
http://www.oaith.ca/assets/files/Publications/family_mediation_canada.pdf
4
Domestic abuse is not a matter which can be solved by the parties discussing their
respective positions, allowing the other to consider the other’s position and reaching
an agreed settlement. It is reprehensible to even expect that a woman experiencing
domestic abuse should be asked to consider the abuser’s position. The very nature
of domestic abuse and the abuse of power makes it unsuitable as a practice which
involves the parties having to, and sometimes being ordered to, reach an agreement.
The abuser may have spent many years ensuring that his partner does not have a
voice, and is punished for expressing any opinion contrary to his wishes.
Therefore it is extremely unlikely, and unreasonable to expect, that the woman will
be able to overcome years of fear to be able to voice what she wants in the best
interests of her own and her child’s safety and welfare, in the presence of a man who
has silenced, intimidated and coerced her. This inherent power imbalance means
that women may be manoeuvred into a position which is not in her best interests and
may prejudice both her safety and that of the child; there is also nothing to prevent
an abuser forcing/persuading the woman to enter into mediation, simply to continue
to perpetrate the abuse and wield power over her. Research shows, and we are
informed by the experience of women using local Women’s Aid services, that women
and children’s safety can be jeopardised – women have been assaulted after
attending mediation and that the mediation process has had to be halted because of
the aggression of the abuser.
Consequently, in this situation, the authority and presence of the court and a Sheriff
or judge is the only way to convey to abusers that their behaviour will not be
tolerated and that women, children and young people are fully entitled to the
intervention of the full weight of the law to protect them and bring about their safety.
However, it is, regrettably, the experience of women using our services, a position
reflected in both domestic and international research, that neither the courts nor
mediation have served women experiencing domestic abuse well, as a consequence
of judiciary and mediators lacking an awareness and understanding of the dynamics
and effects of domestic abuse on women and particularly on children relating to
contact and residence.
Courts vary widely in their ability and willingness to honour children’s right to be
heard. Children expressing a wish not to have contact or to have reduced contact
(e.g., children may want to see a parent, pet, sibling but not stay overnight) can face
allegations of having been “coached” by the mother. Serious consideration has been
given to imposing criminal penalties on women already let down by a system that
has failed to protect them.4
The problem is the failure of implementation and a
change of attitudes and practices, an absence of an awareness of the dynamics and
impact of domestic abuse, and a lack of positive judicial case management. -
Thanks everyone for your replies, much appreciated. My solicitor has left it up to me to decide if I want to try mediation but everything I have experienced already with him is telling me no. I have left a message for the mediator to call me, I will fill her in on his behaviour as I’m sure she has no idea. In fact he actually claims I’m the controlling one?? Couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’ve literally been ghosted out by the whole of his family, no doubt they’ve heard a loads of lies about me. It’s not like they didn’t recognise some of his behaviours. My family have been nothing but fair to him despite his actions. Glad I’m not in contact with them anymore it’s just weird that’s all.
So he’ll be asking when he can see our daughter next and I’m sure he’ll either message me or my sister as he wanted to meet her to discuss things. Do I allow contact with her in a controlled environment with one of us there or just avoid altogether? Am I just doing more damage that way? I only hesitate with a contact centre as my daughter would be distraught with that, she’s very shy and I think to be honest quite traumatised by what she has unfortunately been exposed to during our relationship. I feel so sad for her xx -
I tried it because I felt I owed it to my child and that court would expect it, we were in seperate rooms and the mediator shuffled between the two of us – I had to request this. He went first, the mediator gave me his ‘demands’ and worked on me trying to get me to agree, at the end of the session I felt like I’d done ten rounds with Mike Tyson, as I kept having to push back over and over, I was really shook up. I felt like he attacked me using her as his weopon. Guess it was her job to get us to agree on the points, but I needed time to think and when I tried to explain this is not what my child wants or needs, she didnt listen to that at all, because her mission was to reach an agreement only – which seemed to be based on using his points.
I didnt get the chance to respond in the next session before he had said he was not going again – so he never even heard what I’d said. I later got an email from him ranting abuse – about all sorts of rubbish – all of it my fault – it didnt even make sense to me some of the stuff he was saying – he’d clearly got the wrong end of the stick several times. He clearly didnt know what mediation was either, a negotiation, he thought it was his op to get what he wanted or else. I think the mediator let us all down here as she should have explained what mediation is to him. It also didnt help that our individual initial sessions occurred 4 months apart – the agenda had changed some what. I thought it was rubbish really, but I think I can use it as a piece of evidence now so it may be of some help to me at some point – or maybe not, dont know.
I do know that if there is DA then you are not obliged to do it and can get a MIAM completed which enables you to bypass it x
-
the contact centre is best its usually in a nursery and the staff we had were lovely. i think your child will be oblivious mines was and she was abit older. the thing is the contact centre has set times – usually a saturday sunday 9- 4 and on consecutive weekends only a saturday so you can restrict the contact which is good. also once its set these guys tend to give up abit so this gives you more clout (detail removed by moderator). also if your child is feeling apprehensive about going through to see him ie if something happens at contact she dosent like. the staff wont make her go and youll have stuck to the order. it works honest so dont be scared it is just like going to nursery for the kids. they even offer support as in a member off staff for handover theyre really helpful. we felt it was a safety net a real blessing in the end xx
-
-
im banging on! but tbh honest i felt making him use the contact centre sent a clear message – no more i mean business. i know for a fact he felt there was a stigma attached to using the centre he had to face the fact it was because he had been abusive at outside handovers infront of her. there were posters up about domestic abuse – he was so embaressed he cancelled often (detail removed by moderator) xx he really screwed it up for himself because off this xx it meant i decided that contact should stop due to his inconsistency on top off abuse my child wasnt going to be abused through him getting at me and he wasnt getting the chance to keep letting her down. (detail removed by moderator)once they start to cancel its game over xx
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
