Does this get better?

[Starting-again]

He left me, he cheated on me many times over the years, but this time he left and at first I begged like normal, then I just let him go because I knew this was the final time for me.
I hadn’t been happy for years, but stuck in the trauma bond and up and down cycle of mental abuse.
I should be happy he’s gone. I know eventually he will treat her the same.
But I feel lost. I feel rejected that he chose her. I broke no contact to speak to him about my child and he blanked me, no interest in seeing the child he helped bring up. He’s completely cut off and moved on.
The rational part of me is relieved it’s over and I can move on and have a normal life and that he’s left me alone this time.
The broken part of me is completely lost, missing him, constantly thinking about him, wishing I could go back.
I wouldn’t go back, there is no way.
I’m having therapy,I’ve been referred to mental health team as they think I have complex ptsd from years of abuse. I’m trying to keep moving forwards.
I thought once it was over I’d feel calm and happy.
I’m filled with anxiety, and anger that he’s moved on and ‘happy’ while I’m struggling.
Is there life after this? Will I stop missing the person who I should hate?
I feel lost.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Starting-again

Despite all his abuses, and cheating on you repeatedly, he has still managed to inflict the final sting in his tale by rejecting you.

The abuse, the cheating, the rejection are all part and parcel of an abusers armoury of weapons to hurt and humiliate women. However, because they are abuseers, you spend so long gaslighted by them that your head loses track of whats what in all this, and you lose the ability to process what he’s actually doing, hating on you continually, he makes out that he is a nice guy really, your loving husband really, but sometimes you make him rage at you. I hope you know what a huge lie that is. That the ‘parts’ of this man, as he presents them, are all entirely who he is. Its during the tough times that you see who someone really is, when things are hard, and not going their way, do they concede gracefully, or discuss objectively, no, they blame, accuse, rage, threaten and intimidate. This is who an abuser is through and through, its not some separate ‘part’ that can be minimised, and then project blame onto others for.

I am so sorry he has treated you this way, and yes, inside you have love for him, and more, you are probably trauma bonded to him, meaning your physiology has become dependent upon him throwing you off that cliff but then becoming the hero who rescues you and makes it all better. Its a vicious and addictive cycle of our bodies’ chemicals that tune in to the highs and lows of this very complex dynamic that you are feeling.

Love is an action, something gentle, soothing, kind, caring, thoughtfulness. When the acts are causing pain, confusion, fear, loss of health and mental stability and emotional/physical trauma, this is hatred, this is certainly not love.

The love and hopes that you held in his name you will need to grieve the loss of, no matter how much trauma you suffered at his hands. It is safest for you to stay apart from him, so you can start the journey to recovering, to healing, full awareness and realisation of who he is and has been to you. You will then be able to move forward, and away from the pain he brought to your life.

Take real good care of yourself, show yourself the love and compassion you so need, prioritise you and treat yourself, acknowledge the pain from him is behind you now, and be kind and patient to yourself as you deserve so much more in life.

warmest wishes

ts

[GoldenFish]

Unfortunately, it is you and only you who has to work through those emotions to heal. It is hard work. The most important bit that I can share is that you and your life cannot be the same as it was before him. You are going to have to find your new self, make new friends and find new things to bring you joy. Good luck! We can all get there or we can get stuck so do one thing to move fwd every day!

[Starting-again]

Thank you so much for the replies.

I have read over the forums and I feel like I’m getting some understanding.
I have been expecting myself to go back to who I was before I met him. I’m now starting to realise actually that I’m not going to be her again. I have lost the innocence and trust I had those years ago. But I can be a happier version of the person I am now.

It’s all still new and raw, I’m still going through the grief and trauma cycles.
He has left damage, but he’s not making me stay in this place, it’s up to me to keep moving forwards.
I miss him, I miss the highs and lows, I fully acknowledge I’m still trauma bonded. I’m back no contact though and will continue therapy.
I know I’ll never go back which is something I’ve never thought before, it’s scary but it will be worth it xx

[Ephemeralbliss]

Hi Staring- again. I’m in exactly the same boat as you. Years of cyclically being left, cheated on etc only for him to keep returning and then the abuse escalating each time. He was also physically violent. I’ve finally managed to leave, but each day is a struggle and the urge to reach out is overwhelming. He’s moved on to a new woman already, as is always the case. Like you, I feel totally lost and confused. I’ve not reached out to him in months, but every day I want to. Here’s to hoping we’re able to push through to the other side!

[Starting-again]

Hi Ephemeralbliss
Yes each time they come back after it hasn’t worked out with the new supply, it gets worse, there was less respect and I felt myself getting smaller and smaller.

I think it really is take each day at a time at the moment. I could kick myself for breaking no contact, but I also trying to be kind to myself and just draw a line and start again.

There are so many inspiring posts on this forum. On a bad day I can’t imagine ever getting out this hole, but reading some of these I realise it can happen, can move on to a happy life of peace and calm.

I’m still learning to live without the dramatic highs and lows, my body is still in constant flight or fight mode, I’m on high alert and anxious all the time. But I’m learning this is temporary. One day there will be calm.
x*x

[Ephemeralbliss]

Starting-again, I empathise completely about the highs and the lows. They’re like a drug. Everything feels empty at the moment, like I’m waiting for something to happen, but nothing does.

Try not to beat yourself up about for reaching out to him. No contact is far easier said than done. On my worst days, I can only remember the good parts of the relationship and just want to call him. I actually bought a calendar and have marked off every day I’ve managed to not reach out. Once you see how far you’ve come, it’s easier to stick to it.

It’s awful how they make you feel so small. While it’s unbelievably painful to acknowledge they never loved you, it’s a small consolation that the new ‘supply’ means nothing to them either x

[Starting-again]

That is exactly how I described it to my therapist, like I’m waiting for something to happen, but I don’t know what.
Again that’s from years of living on edge, waiting for something to happen even when things were ‘good’

Accepting he never loved me has been hard because I always thought he did in his own way, and that’s why he came back. The more time I’m away the more the blinkers are coming off though. He came back because it was convenient not because he loved me.
Seeing things in a whole different way is very hard but something I need to go through to heal.

I did always think once I was out it was going to be a light switch moment of being happy again, it’s just so much more complex than that.
But I am starting to believe that you can only go through it to get over it

[Hereforhelp]

Your words are wise, you can only go through it to get over it. I remember the exhaustion from all the strong mixed feelings and over thinking when i was where you are now, it does lesson.. I am a year or so out and yes it is hard, the emotions felt like nothing I had felt before as my blinkers came off and all these knew realisations.
My advice, take baby steps…keep moving forward and don’t look back.. we are like phonexix’s on this forum.. whether still with, thinking of leaving, those out… we all keep rising again and again ❤️

[Starting-again]

Yes reading some amazing stories on here definitely gives hope. We are all strong and incredible people,even when it feels like we have lost ourselves.
I’m definitely taking baby steps, the emotions can be completely overwhelming. The hurt, betrayal, rejection, and the complete dazed feeling from years of gaslighting!
I wish I could shut my brain off but just keep going!
Todays been a good day, I’ve done housework and gone for a 2 mile walk. Other days I can’t get out of bed.
So embracing the good days and riding out the bad.

Thanks for the replies, it means a lot xx

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