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Hi all-
I am new to the forum but recommended to post and get some insight from others who may have been here. I want to know if i am justified in terming this abuse or if this is just a really bad fit as a relationship, sometimes i wonder if i’m there problem here.
– Been together for a number of years, from the start he would go through cycles of what i think of as ‘push-pulling’ where he’s be obsessional in terms of need for affection and then randomly break up with me. He does it every few months to this day and puts it down to having an anxious attachment style but he even threw all of my stuff out in the front garden (detail removed by moderator) This is always preceeded by a small fall out, never anything huge.
– After having kids he goes through cycles of being wonderful with us all and then will randomly stop speaking to me, if he does reply its just with grunts. I try to find out what ive done wrong but he wont tell me and i spend days on end trying to work it out myself. I feel horrendously anxious when this is happening as though I must have done something awful. During this time he is incredibly explosive with the kids, shouting at them every 5 minutes for small things that all kids do. He used to blame this on work stress but he’s in a new role now where that’s less of an issue. (detail removed by moderator) he ripped a childgate from its hinges during one of these explosive fits and threw it into a wall causing a big hole. I took photos of it but they’ve somehow disappeared from my phone. Lately he’s starting grabbing the kids and glaring in their faces, (detail removed by moderator) i frequently feel like i have to get between them when this happens.
-He keeps track of my online activity and if im on the phone i will often find him lingering outside the door.
-He is completely different when we’re in front of people and always portrays a really actively involved caring partner and dad.
-His sexual demands are really damaging for me. I have a low dive which I put down to feeling emotionally unsafe but also a history of trauma. He doesn’t like for me to wear nightclothes to bed and I found I was waking up with him touching me frequently. I asked him to stop as I can’t consent in my sleep and then he stopped talking to me for days (detail removed by moderator)
-I do all of the domestic duties: all cooking, cleaning, food shopping, appointments, (detail removed by moderator)Sometimes i do think its all in my head and i just expect too much and everyone has bad days, what do others think? Is this just someone who is depressed struggling with life or am I right to want to leave?
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Hi Cheesewotsits (great name! They’re my favourite)
Welcome to the forum and well done for sharing – it takes so much courage posting for first time. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, it must be so stressful, especially with the children to consider. I’m sorry to say, that your partner is definitely using abusive behaviours and it’s not acceptable at all. Everything you’ve written are examples of abuse – from the stonewalling that no doubt gets you on eggshells, the gaslighting where you question yourself and what you’ve done (the answer is that you did nothing wrong), the “random” outbursts of rage and really worryingly, the lack of consent. It helps to read up on abuse – I found “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft really good. I was in same situation as you where I questioned whether it was abuse because I found myself explaining or excusing his behaviour- work stress, family stress etc. however, that was because he was manipulating me – they have this way of creating a FOG around us (fear, obligation, guilt). You’re doing the right thing to reach out and follow your gut. I’d suggest phoning your local women’s aid who will advise you .good luck and keep posting xx
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Thank you so much for your kindness and taking the time to respond. At the moment he’s going through a lovely time after i challenged him on his behaviours which makes all of this harder to speak out about as i wonder if it really is in my head! I will definitely read this, thank you for the suggestion. I just hope i can make a decision and stick to it soon 🙁 If i’m honest it would be very clear cut were there not kids involved 🙁
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It’s definitely not in your head, please don’t doubt yourself. Trust your gut. Your gut led you to this forum for a reason. The “lovely” phase that he’s in at the moment, I’m sorry to say, is typical of the cycle of abuse (google has lots of examples) – it tends to be tension, incident, reconciliation then calm. I found myself focusing on the calm and trying to down play or minimise the rest, however it’s when you take a big step back and plot it out that you can see the cycle. It’s the most horrendous realisation when you discover that your partner is abusive – I remember sitting watching the news report about increases in domestic abuse and saying to my ex “those poor women”, failing to acknowledge that I was one of them. I think you’re doing brilliantly to manage everything and your strength shines though ! With the children to think of as well as yourself, definitely reach out to the support available, even just to talk through and know your options. He knows what he’s doing, he has a choice how to behave – as you said in your earlier post (which was exact same as my ex) he’s charming in public – they have the ability to turn it on and off when suits them . Trust your gut, you’re doing the right thing xx
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You’re very welcome! I did escape – I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Leaving was without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never felt such gut wrenching turmoil, such despair, such depression and hopelessness (and confusion, anger etc) but I can confidently say that it was SO worth it and a million times the right thing to do .it gets better every day and the support out there is amazing – women’s aid were brilliant and this forum was a life saver. The life I have now is a so much better and I’m so much happier. Life isn’t perfect but honestly the difference is amazing. I sleep better, I feel confident in my own mind, I feel stable and safe and free . Since leaving I’ve gone on to (slowly) build back up a social network, buy a new home, get promoted at work and lose weight/get healthy. My ex moved on to a new partner quickly and abused her too. They don’t change. I ended up going through the court process and he was found guilty. No doubt he still hasn’t changed. Honestly, a much better life is possible and is something you deserve xx
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Hey there lovely to e meet you
Yes this is 100% abuse in every way
The ignorong you or “stonewalling” is a power and control thing
Tracking what you do online and listenjng to your conversations is an infringment of your privacy
Mine read my personal letters snd used them agaisnt me
Has he ever stalked you?
He sounds like he has anger issues
The sexual touching when you are not awake is not ok.
I am sending you so much love
They make you question your sanity, your self worth, what have i done wrong. These cycles made me hypervigilianylt and super anxious
Lots of love xxxx
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Thank you Copevarde. No stalking as far as i’m aware but i do know he reads my emails etc. he made a joke once about putting a tracker in my car but i’ve had a good look and can’t see anything so think it was just a weird sense of humour thing.
Definitely with the anger issues- just need to decide now what to do 🙁 -
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I’m sorry you are going through this- absolutely abusive as others have said ( I know it’s so hard to believe that when you are “in it” ) . Like everyone who has responded I never thought this applied to me….
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Oh I hear you – I feel like I’ve been waiting for the next “big” thing … thats “bad” enough to justify leaving.. and yet everytime there’s something I move the goalposts…. I go from “right , that’s it, no more…. to , within days sometimes thinking “maybe it’s okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad” . I know I need to get out tho…
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Cheesywotsist,
Sorry to reiterate what everyone else is saying, but this IS abuse, on so many levels.
I left, strangely, the final straw was something I thought was tiny, in compression to other things. But from my new perspective – it wasn’t small.
I stayed early in the relationship, for my kids, but much later down the line, I left to protect them. Now they are adults, 2 of them have personally thanked me, immediately putting all the fears comfy in their bed.
Deep down, it was what kept me away, and no it was not easy, but it was worth everything. I wish I had left so much sooner, and stuck with that choice, but hindsight is 20/20!
The most empowering thing, which I couldn’t understand, is the choice you make!!
I say this, because atm, he is making ALL the choices for you.
Good luck and hugs, love and peace in your choices.
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Hiya- thank you so much for your reply and for the insight from your children- this is what keeps me up nights really- how will they feel towards me if I leave? How will they feel towards us and life if I stay? I’m so glad you managed to leave and that your children can now validate that decision as adults. Thank you again x
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Hi, the fact that he is different when other people are around shows that he has complete control over his emotions and that he knows what he is doing at home.
“He is completely different when we’re in front of people and always portrays a really actively involved caring partner and dad”
This behaviour is very common in abusive partners (he is without a doubt abusing you). Him touching you when you are asleep is sexual assault, he has no claim over your body.
Keep reaching out ❤️
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You ended your first post with a question, basically asking if his possible depression means you have to stay. The short answer is no. Being dreadfully unhappy is reason enough for you to leave. The odd good day isn’t reason enough to stay. You deserve to be happy and content.
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So helpful to read this and all the responses, in a similar situation with a highly dependant daughter who adores her daddy and who appears to the outside to be an amazing caring husband and father – his social media certainly looks that way! He genuinely believes I think that his behaviour is normal and that questioning what I am doing or talking to all the time is just part of being in a relationship – I shouldn’t mind telling him what I am up to- silly things like if I sit in the car for a minute to listen to something on the radio – he wants to know why I was waiting on the drive before coming in, what was I doing – but it is always asked in an aggressive kind of way. Or questioning if I am really going to work if I am wearing jeans (I have told him so many times sometimes people wear jeans to my office). Recently he has started getting cross it turns out because I put my PJs on late in the evening – like I’m not dressing up for him anymore – and apparently I frump around the house. I work from home lots of the time, so no I don’t get dressed up but I am dressed nicely and it certainly isn’t a reflection of how I feel about him. I get the same moodiness and then sudden back to all ok – and even when he’s had dreadful outbursts of ‘leaving me’ because I don’t care about him enough, it will suddenly all go back to normal without warning and I think it’s all in my head. We have a tough time anyway with a disabled daughter and so time for each other is not easy, and I get that – but it’s hard for me too, and he never seems to think that if I am quiet, or tired, or not ‘present’ I might just be knackered or worried about something – it’s always a direct insult to him and my fault for not loving him enough. I can’t offer any useful advice or info at the moment, but reading this and the responses has been really useful so thank you so much
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