Doesn’t feel like abuse but feels wrong

[Confused346]

I feel guilty writing this. I love my husband , I do. On the whole he is very good to me – very loving , very affectionate, hard working . But he has a side to him that I don’t like . He has done things and I feel scared at times. I feel trapped .

He has a drink problem . Due to drink he has cheated on me a few times , he once (specific incident removed by moderator) when drunk because I didn’t want to have sex . I’m on edge around him when he drinks and one time he put his hands around my neck . It was kind of like how you grab someone by the throat and push them up a wall but he didn’t let go straight away. He’s threatening and aggressive when drunk too . He scares me He promised to give up drink and mostly it’s been good , but he’s started drinking again and he’s out at the moment and I’m so scared . I’ve nowhere to go and I don’t know what he’s doing – if he’s cheating , if he’s going to come back aggressive . It’s a big betrayal already as he’s admitted to his whole family he’s an alcoholic and he said he was going to drink non alcoholic but it’s almost (time frame removed by moderator) and the pub is closed so he’s obviously drinking. Most of the time he’s so lovely and provides , showers me with love etc and he wouldn’t hurt me sober but then times like this I realise I’m scared of him . I feel like he’s destroying me but I’m trapped . I have children and I feel like I can’t reach out for help as their dad ( husband isn’t the dad ) would go mental and i don’t want social services involved either . I have no money , so much debt . I can’t afford to live in our home and can’t afford to get a place on my own either ( we rent ) where I live there are no council houses so we would be in a hostel and one of my children has a condition that would make that hard .

 

Im sorry if I offend people who have been through worse and I don’t know if this is the right place but I’m scared and trapped and I feel like I just have to stay here and accept this because there is no way out. But also I love him and can’t imagine life without him .

[Karisqq]

Abuse is often like that, it’s with sweetness. But the sweetness can’t change the fact that he’s being abusive and inappropriate when he was drunk. Getting help is hard, it takes courage, don’t blame yourself for that, it’s normal to feel trap, hope you find your way out soon! X stay strong! And pls don’t worry about offending us, your voice is valid and valued.

[Loopy2]

This is how abuse works.  They can be as so nice but then they show their true colours.  My Partner is the same when he’s drunk.  He starts of nice but the more he drinks, the worse he gets.  He hides alcohol around the house but I can tell when he’s drinking, apart from the obvious slurring, his moods gives it away.

My Partner can be very moody when sober though so we are always walking on eggshells.  My daughter is scared of her Dad, my son just hides in his room.  I have two other children that are older (not his) that can’t stand him due to an isolated incident where he put his arm around my neck and I couldn’t breath while camping.  Luckily, his Mum came from her tent and got him off me.  They don’t like him because of the way he talks to me and them either.

If you want to leave, contact your local Womens Aid and they can guide and help you with next steps.  There’s also a chat option on here that you can use that may help if you’re not sure which way you want to go.

I have plans to leave after Christmas if I’m strong enough.  I really hope I am.  I hope you find strength too to do what is best for you.

[Bananaboat]

What you’ve written is exactly abuse. If he was nasty all the time you’d be long gone, you see they know it’s the nice side that keeps you there with hope. Don’t blame the drunk either. We all did, but he’s choosing to abuse you the drink is just an excuse. Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ buy it or there’s free copies online and you’ll see so much of his behaviour is abuse, it’s rarely just being hit it comes in all forms – verbal & emotional often being the hardest to prove but hurts & lingers the longest x

[Author]

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