This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  EyeandHeart 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #111639
     EyeandHeart 
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new to the forum. I’m in the process of ending an (detail removed by moderator) relationship after years of fresh starts and making excuses for his behaviour. His justification is that he’s unhappy in himself and doesn’t know why he constantly sabotages our relationship. If I suggest his behaviour is abusive he laughs it off as me being melodramatic.Recently we moved house for the (detail removed by moderator), he promised this time would be different but if anything it’s been worse. I don’t want to lose my home or my pet because of his disruptive behaviour; I don’t want to spend my days treading on eggshells and fixing his issues;I can’t keep pushing my needs to the back of my mind while I become physically and mentally exhausted by it all. I need to find the strength and maintain it to ask him to leave. My heart is breaking and my head is full of doubt about whether it’s my perception that’s wrong. If something really is so bad why does it hurt so much to end it? I’ve been reading the forum for a few days now and I’ve gained some valuable insights; An abuser is never going to validate a victims perspective. Depression and anxiety are separate from abuse. Claiming not to know what he is doing is not a sufficient explanation, he’s responsible for his behaviour. I need to put myself first, not him,not family or friends, just me!

  • #111646
     Lostforever 
    Participant

    It does hurt. It’s the trauma bonding. And yes, you need to put you first. Speak to the helpline, post on here. Make plans. Do you own your home?

    Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’ll help to explain things.

    I saw a saying once which helped me:-

    Let go of what is killing you even though it’s killing you to let go.

    You can do this x

  • #111669
     EyeandHeart 
    Participant

    Thank you so much lost forever 🙂 That is an insightful saying. It’s killing me to be with him and killing me to end it but I’m thinking back to the end of my last relationship and I did eventually come out the other side. He took enough things to get him to the weekend. I didn’t have the emotional strength to ask him to take everything. We still have the house to sort out. I keep reminding myself small steps are progress but I feel so desperately sad. What we imagine to be our future and how we describe our relationship to others are often so different from the truth. It’s like living two different realities. When he’s here I feel desperate to be with him and fix things. When he’s not here I can see the wood for the trees. Who knows what the future holds, I’m trying just to take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and thank you x

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