Domestic abuse courses

[HaPea]

I just wanted to know if those of you that sought out help from local DA charities, ran courses for the abusive partner to attend to educate them on their behaviour. If so, how did that go? Did the partner change?

life continues to be hellish. But I’ve slowly made small steps forward.

[Lisa]

Hi HaPea,

I know you’re really looking for other users’ personal experiences of perpetrators engaging in courses around their abusive behaviour, but in the meantime I’ll share a bit of general information about this. It is very rare for perpetrators to achieve genuine sustained change. The beliefs that underlie domestic abuse are deeply ingrained, not just in abusers themselves but in wider society. Many of these beliefs are around entitlement and the roles of women so that perpetrators feel justified in their abusive behaviour. Given this, they have no real motivation to change.

Engaging in this kind of course is often part of control. Stopping a partner from leaving or getting them to return because the perpetrator seems to be putting in effort to change. It can also be a tool for the perpetrator demanding change from their partner in a t*t-for-tat way that is unequal and inappropriate. Perpetrators may even use what they learn on the course as part of their abuse, becoming more skilled in covering their behaviour or twisting things around and accusing their non-abusive partner of abuse herself. Any change tends to be short lived before the perpetrator returns to their abusive behaviours.

Hopefully some of the other women here will be able to share their experiences of this with you soon.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Lionking]

My OH is currently in a abusers programme and honestly he purely using it as a means to further manipulate and abuse me.

He tells me the programme is geared towards people who stay together. He told me the leader said what he had done wasn’t that bad and that he should try get me into couples counselling. He said that the leader told him that if I go through with the separation that our kids will always wonder if it was because of them and will need therapy in their twenties to get over it.

So he’s not only not making progress to change his behaviour but he’s using it as a tool to further control me.

 

Luckily there’s a psychologist linking I’m with me who will pass onto them what really happens but she has no loyalty to them or my partner and is helping me get out safely.

[HaPea]

Thanks Lisa.

this part of what you said is the part I had already thought could happen

“Perpetrators may even use what they learn on the course as part of their abuse, becoming more skilled in covering their behaviour or twisting things around and accusing their non-abusive partner of abuse herself.“

i can see that all will happen is that he will learn more ways to be devious and deceitful and will just use what he learns to twist it about me. The charity has been kind and say not to worry we know and see through this stuff but I just can’t help but think it’s a waste of time. I’ve said to the social worker I don’t see it having any changing effect on him. Then where does it leave us in reality? Does it just buy the victims time to be able to change our circumstances?

 

[HaPea]

Thanks LionKing,

 

this is what I expect. I’ve already seen glimpses and he’s not properly started. I have a support worker linked who I can run things by and she will feed back to the other side of it. Also counselling is being looked into. I’ve heard much the same things at various points. But also the MIL has started with the guilt tripping if I move with child and saying I should go drs for meds.
Starting to think the apple don’t fall far from the tree.

[Lionking]

I actually hadn’t even read Lisa’s response before typing my own but I am just a perfect example of what she has said.

[Bluebirds]

Thanks Lisa for the above.

My partner said he would do an abuser course. I know full well this was manipulation to get me to stay. I simply couldn’t accept this, it just made me feel sick at the end.

I was having feelings if what if this was the time he changed but i know deep down he will never ever change possibly short term as I’ve seen in the past.

[HaPea]

Yeah, they never seem to keep up the pretence for long. My OH is currently going out at all hours and trying to claim he’s rebuilding friendships. Friendships with people he once told me were serial cheaters and causal drug takers.
Then wonders why this isn’t acceptable behaviour when everyone gets frustrated with him.

[Texas]

Have you read Lundy’s book ‘Why does he do that?’.  Lundy ran abuser programs and provides really useful insight you might find helpful.

[HaPea]

I’ve not heard of him. I’ll have to look it up.

[TwoBirdies]

I met with my (detail removed by moderator) and he asked if we should suggest my ex partner has to do a DA course before I allow him face to face contact with our daughter again. I’m not sure this would be beneficial or would just antagonise him and make his manipulative behaviour worse. I fled with our daughter and have no desire to get back together, but not sure the course would be useful anyway given everyone’s experiences.

[HaPea]

Just to update a little on this. I am seeing no positive affects from the involvement in this course. In fact it’s as mentioned above, further used to put me down. Saying that the course leader agrees with him and that he’s right in all his thinking and how he’s contributing positively to the group offering up insights they hadn’t even thought of. Anytime he says these things I tell my support worker and she tries to reassure me that his word is definitely not what is actually happening in sessions. But still at the time it feels very believable and deflating.

[Fallenofftheradar]

Just goes to show how they just incessantly lie about stuff. I always used to take his word for things, but now I’m seeing more and more lies and it’s led me to question Everything he’s ever told me. Even stuff that could be true.

I can’t believe how your ex is just blatantly lying about what happens in the sessions. I don’t think I’ll ever understand their behaviour, so callous

[Author]

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