Don’t ever feel like a failure

[KIP.]

Just looking back on decades of a relationship with an abuser. For a while I felt like a failure because I couldn’t make it work. The thing I’ve come to understand is that nobody could have made it work because he didn’t want it to work in a loving rational way. So put those feeling of guilt away and realise that the game was fixed in his favour right from the beginning.

[deathangel]

Yes, me too. Felt like I was part of the problem. Felt I was contributing to the “misunderstandings”. Was told I was a nag because I had to remind him to do stuff he forgot about constantly. Felt like a failure for not trying hard enough. Long enough. A decade is plently long enough! Felt I was a failure because my previous long term relationship (married the father of my eldest) failed also. I felt broken, so blamed myself a lot. Even though I had a full (removed by moderator) year break from relationships and men after I was divorced. Felt guilty because my children have seen and heard it all and I have put them through this.

I know I am not a failure. It was not about mis-communication. It is all about his thought processes, his thinking, his mind-set, his ideals, his attitudes and values. His need to control and disrespect me at every turn. Nothing to do with me.

[KIP.]

Great to hear that. It takes time to understand these feelings and how they project their own failings onto us. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

[iwillbeok]

Thank you for this post KIP. I need to constantly remind myself that while it does take 2 to make a marriage -it takes 2 equal partners. I realise that while he said things that sounded like equality and support, I got such mixed messages that I was in a total state of confusion. I sometimes feel guilt that perhaps I could have done things differently – but when the goal posts were constantly changing; I was the one who was accussed of being manipulative; he was having to walk on eggshells apparently; what could I possibly have done differently? Except maybe stand up for myself sooner?

I feel more myself than I have felt for a very, very long time. The brain fog is slowly lifting and for longer periods of time. I still struggle with financial stuff – its so stressful. I can hear his voice in my head when I check my balance.

But onwards and upwards! I’m free and i will be ok!!

x

[Anonymous]

I can still hear his voice. I witnessed him destroying a member of his own family, using the phrases you don’t know what they are like!! He is very convincing and very believable too. I am still sceptical weather or not the effects completely leave me. I don’t feel yet I can be quite as strong but loveky to read it is possible to get there xx

[Ayanna]

Well said KIP.
These abusers thrive on bringing others down.
If they cannot destroy another person they will dissolve themselves.
I have realised this.
They are parasitic blood sucking vampires.
They use the energy that they get from destroying us to thrive and prosper while we decay in a corner.
I have found what I want to do and although I have PTSD and several chronic health conditions I have made some significant improvements in my life since I left.
I slowly uncover the real me under all the rotten layers. I throw those layers away one by one, maybe one per year.
We all will be like phoenixes once we are recharged.
Then watch the abusers.
They will be the ones who rot in a corner.

[Lightness]

Our relationships with the abusers were destined to end – because of their personalities.
We are far from failures. We have achieved incredible things in spite of them. Just think what we can achieve for ourselves without them – even if that is as simple as peace.

We are all successes

[Author]

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