Don’t know how to have sex anymore?

[Justpeachy]

So it’s been a few months since I got out of my abusive relationship. For context, he would stop me from moving during sex and seemed to enjoy doing whatever I said I wasn’t comfortable doing.

I did the therapy, etc. etc. and met someone new who was really kind and considerate. We had sex on the second date, not from him pressuring, but because I felt comfortable doing so.

Well, he asked me what I liked and I froze. No one’s ever asked me that? So I told him what I didn’t like instead. And then when we actually had sex, it was like I had no instincts left at all; I had no idea what to do with my arms, my legs, my body. I felt so awkward, like it was my first ever sexual encounter, and then he did something similar to my ex, and I just asked him to stop.

He really wanted to cuddle afterwards but I felt so overwhelmed by the intimacy of it (the cuddling) that I basically backed away and left his house soon after, feeling really numb and disconnected. We went on another date, but he said he felt like there was no romantic spark, and I’m about 80% sure it’s because of the terrible sex.

I’ve been crying so much since, because it feels like not only did I have to work so hard to get my confidence back, it feels like there’s this whole other healing process that I have to do and it’s so unfair. I’m contemplating just trying to find random hookups to get this out of the way, because I don’t want my past trauma to ruin another potential relationship this way.

Is this something anyone else has experienced? Do you have any advice? I emailed my therapist and asked if we could start up the appointments again, but this has left me feeling really depressed about yet another thing my ex has broken about me.

[IndecisiveGirl]

It sounds like you have worked really hard to get as far as you have, so please don’t see this as a step backwards, because you’re just realising another potential thing you can work forwards with to improve your life after him.

I also froze when asked what I liked etc because I had a similar experience with my ex. I’ve only slept with one man since but what I did find was that knowing him before helped, like I met him at work and we knew each other a while before anything romantic, and I’d mentioned about my ex and how he was with me so he knew to be extra sensitive etc. I think it definitely helped that he knew to go slow and that I’d had previous bad experiences.

I wouldn’t go having meaningless hook ups because that lies the potential for causing further trauma. Definitely address things with your therapist, but please don’t feel defeated by him because you’ve started those sessions. Our minds are messy at best of times, without having experienced the trauma we have, so be kind to yourself!

[Justpeachy]

Thanks, I like the idea of realising a potential thing you can work forwards to improve your life.

I think it’s really hard to tell someone new about past trauma, so maybe taking things slow is the way to go, and just try to be patient with that as I’m not really someone who normally does take things slow. Thanks for sharing your experience!

[Mellow]

I think you should try a sex therapist not a normal therapist as they can address the intimacy issue .they know more than you think about these issues.

[Justpeachy]

My therapist specialises in abusive relationships, so do you think she would know as much as a sex therapist?

[Author]

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