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    • #51243
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      Been in my relationship a very long time, had are fair Share of bad times, I feel like a deflated ballon, in the past there has been situations that my partner would get angry over trivial things, ie trousers not dry, can’t find something, me wearing a dress, going out, in hospital, at a funeral, he would ring me constantly accuse me of cheating, call me names, he’s taken my car my tv, threatens to take my oldest child’s stuff bk that he brought(not his child) brings the children in to the argument to say things like u no ghis is your mums fault and telling my son that I don’t love him, he’s smashed things threw things, grabbed me round my throat but didn’t hit me, but it’s been good for about 6 months and he want like that all the time, only if I did something wrong or spoke down to him, he’s really nice otherwise, I no most of the arguments have been my fault but sometimes I’m just trying to make things better, I didn’t want to cause a row, but he said to me the last time we had a argument when I asked him why he did that and behaved that way when I was only asking a question he said well I just wanted to shut you up, now I’m confused is that why he has always behave so aggressive in an argument so as I back down, I don’t have anyone I can turn to sorry it’s such a long post

    • #51246
      KIP.
      Participant

      He sounds very dangerous. Can you ring the helpline number on here and speak to someone. Google the cycle of abuse. He chooses to behave this way and none of it is your fault so don’t believe it is. Putting his hands round your throat is one step away from murder and something the police use to establish how dangerous a relationship is. Yours is very dangerous. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Neither do your children. It’s abusive and abuse always gets worse x

    • #51247
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      He has only done that once, it’s just threats and anger, I no it sounds bad but all this is over a long period of time, it’s not everyday, he can be really nice and loving, I have tried to end the relationship but he says he’ll hurt himself, or takes one of our children, it’s hard because I do love him, at least I think I do, I would just like a happy relationship where I can be comfortable being myself, and not worry about everything all the time, I have tried ringing the number but I always get answer machine

    • #51251
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Greyskydarkdays

      please just think for a moment about whether you would threaten to throttle anyone, grab them with the intention of scaring them that much?

      They actually have to be kind and loving too or they would be all bad and never have anyone around, they know that they have to draw you back in somehow, and thats how. If they can manipulate you so bad just because they want you to shut up (which is absolutely not acceptable behaviour) then they sure can manipulate the other way too to make you think they are the best thing you have ever had or ever likely to get.

      I have had two relationships where the nasty abuser thinks this, and I actually believed it, and thats their strength, they make you believe somehow that they are the best you will ever have, because they think they are so great! Just shocking really.

      Would you say that to someone? My ex said it to the police.

      you might say its ‘just threats and anger’, but it scares you and upsets you deeply, and thats no ok especially as he’s told you very clearly why he’s done it and knows that you will accept his reasoning, for now, but you are asking questions now, and challenging the lines he feeds you.

      Leave a message on the helpline if its safe for them to call you back.

      you are worrying all the time, and your children will also be scared.

      He is dangerous and I wouldn’t take these threats lightly and I see that you do take them seriously or perhaps you would have ended the relationship by now, but you worry about whether he would hurt himself or take one of your children.

      The helpline will give you the best advice on how to be safe around someone acting this way.

      Him saying he will hurt himself is emotional blackmail, and only he is responsible for his life, not you. If he were to kill himself, that would be his choice, just like him taking a child or strangling you, all his choice.

      Know that you have choices, and can take them, safely, with support.

      warmest wishes KS XX

    • #51264
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi Greyskies,
      I was just like you, they justify and rationalise their bad behaviour telling us we caused them to be like that, do that, say that. They say it over and over, wearing us down until we believe that they love us dearly but we’re just so difficult to live with etc etc.
      No! Does he ever apologise? I mean really, listen carefully to the words he uses. I think you’ll find that he’s just using his controlling cycles on you, keeps changing the goalposts to keep you on your toes and off balance so you don’t see what he’s doing. Read the guidelines for abuse, it’s shocking how familiar they all are, but we see them as normal behaviour because we so conditioned and brainwashed by them. That’s their secret, patience. They have to keep controlling us and whilst we toe the line they are nice, start questioning or arguing and the abuse start’ what’s got into you? Who’s been filling your head with this stuff? Are you having an affair? Blah blah. It’s all just designed to keep us in line and make us feel bad about ourselves and behave! It’s hard to accept, but keep reading and reaching out for help. You need to at least have an emergency plan in place which reading the women’s aid site will help with, but talking to the helpline and a counsellor are the best way
      Yes that’s why he’s aggressive when you argue. He needs to keep control over you. If he can’t discuss this and keep you in place he’ll intimidate you. Threatening to harm himself is just another way to control you. Take care

    • #51266
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      He has never apologised for anything, why would he when he’s so sure that it’s all my fault, I have asked him politely to leave he is still here, carrying on as normal, while I have chosen to sleep downstairs with the baby, and only spoken to him when he has spoken to me but he seems ok with that, I don’t even no who I am anymore, I don’t no what to think, and I just feel empty inside, I have no love to give to anyone let alone my self, I feel like since I read up about the way he behaves like my whole world is falling apart, I wish for me he would just go, but I don’t want to ruin xmas for my children, and I don’t want them To think that I’m such a cow that I’d make there dad leave as that’s what he’ll tell them, so confused right now, knowing how to handle this is hard as he is convinced it’s all me, so I’m asking him to leave for nothing that’s how he’ll explain it, then I feel bad

    • #51268
      KIP.
      Participant

      Have you reported any of his abuse. I can see you’re making excuses for his behaviour. He chooses to behave this way. He only put his hands round your throat once. Once is enough. Once is too many times. Keep trying the helpline or go into your local branch of women’s aid. Start keeping a scret diary and please tell your GP. You may be able to have him removed from the home with a non molestation or exclusion order. Our heads are so full of dealing with the abuse that there is little room left for reason. You need help. He’s going nowhere. He’s staying where he is because he gets s thrill out of seeing you suffer. You can ring Rights for Women for free legal advice x

    • #51270
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      I haven’t reported anything, I rang the police on him once years ago, as he took r daughter they said we can see that there is 2 sides to this and as she’s not in danger we can’t do anything. Even his mum was upset with me for phoning them because she new how he’d react to it, I’ve never rang them again, even when he’s shouting at me in front of the children as they don’t do anything.

    • #51271
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      The hospital reported me to social services also not because of me because how he was behaving over the phone towards me. But (detail removed by moderator), i don’t remember what it was about but it may still be logged with them if that would b any use to me,

    • #51282
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes, both are of use but the law may require something more recent. Ring Rights for Women or visit a family solicitor for free initial advice. Ring the helpline too x keep a journal and record everything. I recorded his attack but if your doing that you need to be careful. I did it on my phone but there are other methods x

    • #51283
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Greyskydarkdays,

      Welcome to the forum. I am pleased that you have got some good support and that you have found the forum. Your partner sounds very dangerous and your life with him sounds very stressful for you and your children. He is abusing you and stifling your happiness. I just wanted to show you some support and to let you know that you do have options and the helpline can help you explore them. Things you could consider are going in to a refuge where you would be safe and he wouldn’t know where you and the children are. Once you are in a refuge you are classed as involuntarily homeless and you will be prioritised for housing. The refuge workers will also find schools for your children and offer them specialist help. Another option for you could be trying to get an injunction against your husband (namely an occupation order) which the National Centre for Domestic Violence could give you advice on (www.ncdv.org.uk). Your local Women’s Aid group will give you support too.

      Please be very careful and don’t let him know that you are feeling differently and are getting support as that will suggest to him that his control is slipping and could make him more dangerous to you.

      Please do not feel that you are to blame for his behaviour, he is to blame as he actively chooses to abuse you and if you were to end this relationship you would not be breaking up your family instead you will be creating a happy and safe family away from him and teaching your children two valuable lessons- firstly, that it is not acceptable to be abusive and there will be consequences and secondly if you are with an abuser or anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect and love then you can break away. Whatever you decide, we are all here for you so please keep posting.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #51297
      Greyskydarkdays
      Participant

      It’s strange as when I look back now I can’t remember that last time I laughed so hard my tummy hurt, or the last time I enjoyed anything, or felt good about myself, he’s only ever taken me out once, that was out of our city, never in a public place he may no someone, I get invited to family events but that’s threw his family not him, today I am lost, I believed that this was me, I wasn’t good enough to go out with him, not pretty enough just embarrassing to him, he takes the kids out for picnics in the summer with his mates and there miss but I’m always left home, I had myself a job I was so happy with myself I worked evenings and weekends as he works all week, but he started going to work at weekend last minute so I’d have to find cover for the children, or he came in late, so I had like 5 mins to get there, I had to give my job up, I also spend, i buy things for the kids for the house it makes me feel calm I hide most things as he moans I can see y as I spend money I struggle to pay back, but it’s a comfort, it makes me feel like I’ve done something good for someone, I no it’s something I have to stop doing, I just like that 5 mins when someone appreciates me

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