Don’t see this ending well

[Darknessallaround]

I’ve been trapped at home since first lock down. No job. No family. No friends (he’s isolated me completely). Haven’t been able to go to medical appointments. Still get shopping delivered. If we do go out it’s always together.
Living like this 24/7/365 is causing my physical and mental health to deteriorate. I feel so worn down by everything.
Putting a leaving plan together feels impossible, because I’ve nowhere and no one to go to. I can’t get either myself or any belongings out of the house without him being aware.
I just want out by any means possible.

[KIP.]

You can email the police. What’s he’s doing is illegal. If you can get to a phone then ring them or ring your local womens aid. There is help out there for you if you can reach out.

[Darknessallaround]

Someone I was emotionally close to died. They were aware of my situation and were supporting me through it. Now I feel so alone again. I don’t know anyone else who knew them and I can’t talk to him about them and what their loss means to me. I’ve got more urgent things to worry about than grief, but that is all I can focus on.

[Mellow]

Hi there my father died in (detail removed by moderator) and I’m still grieving I’m dealing with his whole probate I’m still planning an exit just to say your not alone.does your partner ever leave the house?if so for how long if you knew this info you may be able to escape to a refuge contact women’s aid

[Darknessallaround]

To any ladies here who just upped and left. I’m aware of the importance of having an exit plan in place but it’s impossible to get out of the house without him being aware of it, so I’d have to be pre-prepared in case an opportunity arose, which would mean I’d be able to take very little with me.

My question is if you leave with no note or message and go immediately no contact, what happens if he reports you as missing to the police?

I literally have no family or friends to go to, leaving would mean being totally alone. I don’t even have a job. He’s taken everything that mattered from me. I don’t see why he should get the house as well while I end up on the street. That’s partly what stops me from going. I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s how I feel.

[Eggshells]

Hi Darknessallaround.

It’s really helpful if you can just focus on the main priority for now; it sounds like that is to find a way to get out.

If you can get to a refuge then you can start to focus on other things such as letting the local police know that you are not missing and that you are safe.

You’ll probably need a little time to settle and get yourself together but once you are safe and feeling a little more robust, you can start to think about dealing with joint assets. If you are married and begin divorce proceedings you should do very well. Because you have no means of supporting yourself the courts will work in your favour when it comes to dividing assets.

You may find that you don’t want to return to your house as it is connected so strongly with abuse and it may not be safe. If you do want the house you may be able to get an occupation order to remove him.

As I said, just focus on finding a way out for now. When you leave an abuser, you just take it one step at a time. That makes it feel possible and manageable.

Are you able to contact anyone such as Women’s Aid for help without it being noticed?

[Watersprite]

Hello – sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not alone.
If you ever need to contact police and can’t speak call 999 and tap 55 I think it’s mobile only or cough when you are asked questions. Or as Kip suggested email police. Just be careful he is not monitoring your internet use x
This is coercive control and is illegal. In answer to your question try and get documents like passport NI number bank statement health records medication together or if not safe find them so you can grab them when you go. You don’t have to leave a note I did but was advised to as we had children and they said that was better so he didn’t claim I’d taken them. You don’t owe him anything. If he reports you missing the police will make a welfare check/call on you but they won’t tell him anything about where you are as long as you say you don’t want to be found and you can tell them about domestic abuse. They can help safeguard you going forwards. You can contact womens aid/refuge/ your council/ police when you get out.
Leaving is the most dangerous time so if it is possible to get support to get out I would try. Police social services and womens aid all worked together to get us free. He did make repeated contact after with us but never once phoned the police even though he didn’t know where me and his 3 children were – hmmmm guilty as sin! Take baby steps you deserve to be free however much you like your house it sounds like more of a prison than a home ? x

[Camel]

Hi Darknessallaround,

Surgeries are doing face to face appointments now. Could you invent something (gynaecological maybe) that you need to see a doctor for. Then be brave and explain that you need help to escape.

Also, Boots have safe spaces to report domestic abuse.
Have a note ready to hand over in case you don’t have the time or opportunity to speak.

As for feeling alone when you leave, there’s nothing lonelier than being trapped with an abuser.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Darknessallaround

Well done for managing to post, my heart goes out to you in your darkness 🙁

I hope you are ok, and can find ways online to be safe to prepare yourself for getting out, or getting him out whichever is safe.

Nothing really to add to the super advice given by others, your safety is your priority yes, so continue to do what keeps you safe, whilst taking opportunities where you can, safely.

When you are online, like posting here, use incognito or private browsing so that no logins are kept or history tracked that can be found by him.

You have us here with you all the way, whatever you decide to do, do keeping talking to us when you can, and we’ll try to help in any way we can. I hope that despite being physically isolated by him, you will at least feel that you are now not alone as you are among us, one of us, a large group of women who will know and understand how this feels for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Darknessallaround]

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot that other people understand.
Yesterday I managed to get out for a little while on my own for the first time in over a year. It wasn’t the relaxing time I thought it would be. What with one eye on the clock knowing I couldn’t be out too long, him texting me while I was out, plus being amongst people again was terrifying. I just wanted to get back home, even though home isn’t a place I want to be right now. That contradiction doesn’t make sense I know. A lot of things don’t make sense at the moment. I’m waking in a panic, anxiety is ramped right up. I don’t want to stay but I don’t want to go either. It’s easier to not think about the future because I don’t feel I have one. Put one foot in front of the other and just get through the days is all I can do right now.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi darknessallaround,

I’m so sorry this is happening, your situation sounds similar to mine, I don’t have a job or any friends, and I spend all day with him or alone when he rarely goes out (I also have health problems which make it hard to get out of the house). I’m at a relative’s at the moment trying to decide what to do.

Well done for getting out even for a short time, I have found that so hard after lockdown. Keep trying to get a bit of space for yourself. Not sure if someone has already mentioned this, but I managed to get a minute to speak to someone on the WA text chat, they were so understanding and helpful. Could be a good first step? I think someone else said, use incognito/private browsing to keep him from seeing if you’re worried.

Try and be kind to yourself, and take care. Much love to you x*x

[GoldenFish]

Hi darknessallaround,
I hope you’re feeling better. Messages on the forum can provide some relief in a time of need and outmost isolation but you said you want out by any possible means. If you do not have home rights or can leave your home behind, identify a local refuge you could go to. National Domestic Violece and Womens Aid can help. What happens if you are leaving the house? If there is any physical violence or threat of it, report it to the Police. You can do it the next day online if you cannot call at the time of the incident. Report report report. It is the quickest and safest way to remove de abuser from your home. If the risk of violence is not high and it is mostly coercive control you do not have to live like that either. In that case, you can apply for a non-molestation order with notice. It is scary whichever path one takes but getting out nrequires taking action. Most women will find it hard to do that for themselves when they are at their lowest having tolerated already so much abuse but once you know it within yourself that it is the right thing to do you will succeed because we all here are survivors!

[Author]

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