Don't think I'll ever be fully free…

[faithandlove]

So I wrote another post a short time back about should I leave and then things transpired that I did leave.
I have not a single regret about leaving. I feel sad about missing my step son but that’s about it. The more I think about my ex the less I want to be with him. But I know I can’t contact him in any way. I can’t risk it ’cause he’s the obsessive stalkerish sort.
But I’m also married to the man religiously (not legally) now I’m not sure how I feel religous wise, I’m trying to relearn all that again so I know where I am, what I beleive). One thing I know for sure is that I want to have a chance at love again in the future when my kids are older and more secure. But that means that I’d either have to leave my religion (aka devorced by proxy and risk hell), talk to him and ask him to give me a devorce, or go through the hard and lengthy ‘female devorce’ which would take 3-12 months, involve mediation etc. Which is the worst scenario cos he’s a master manipulator and will just agree to everything then twist it so that I end up back with him then he’ll turn bad again once I’m back under his thumb. There is no way to devorce him without risky communications, which means I’ll never be able to remarry in the future cos I’ll not be able to get a devorce from him without turing my back on my religion.
I know religiously I’m intitled to a devorce but also know that these days they make it super hard, especially for the woman. I feel like I’ll never be free off him.

[Anonymous]

Hi faithandlove,

I am religious, and although i know that our religions could be different, but one of the most important things for me is that my God loves me. I dont go throwing religion down peoples throats as it is something that is very important to me and quite personal. I have Faith, which not everyone is lucky enough to have. The point i am trying to get at, is that i am sure that your God loves you and would not condemn you to hell for saving yourself from an abusive marriage.

The most important piece of advice i can give you is this – take the time to find yourself. Find your strength, find yourself and find your inner peace. Work out who you are, what you want and what it is that you believe. There are no right or wrong answers in this and there is no prescribed length of time that this will take. Dont put pressure on yourself to sort this out now, explore all options and take your time.

Hugs,

TTMO x

[faithandlove]

Thanks. I don’t need to rush anything, like a broken bone this kind of healing and relearning who I am will take time.
I’m just scared cos I don’t know who I am on the inside anymore. But I’m optamistic that I’ll get there eventually 🙂
Thanks again.

[AppleNinja]

Hello Faith,

I can only echo what TTMO said above: your God loves you.

Your God didn’t give you the gift of life to have it trampled on and squashed by a person who lacks the basic human decency to treat his partner with respect.

It is exactly this type of man who threaten us with hell for being disobedient to them.

A life lived in fear and under someone else’s control is a life wasted, a God’s gift declined.

I know it’s really hard, especially if you are part of a religious community. But I think you could find strength in other communities, such as this one. Just hang in there”

Best,
AppleNinja

[faithandlove]

Thanks.
In my religious community I’d be encouraged to return to him for the kids sake and I’d not get the support I need cos DA isn’t really considered a thing and there is too much ephasis towards forgiving and learning. Which if this was his first rodeo I’d nit be set against, but I’ve seen him us our religion to control and hurt others, he uses our religion to keep his use in line and trapped by him. But pur religion at its core is actually against such oppression. I think that if I just move on and let allah judge me accordingly then I might be okay. I’m not 100% sure though and am cinfused. Maybe cos I’m not sute what is real or not real in our religion. I feel like I need to relearn everything again lol.

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like he uses the religion to do what he likes and hurt others because there are currently no consequences for his behaviour. Don’t forget the rules of pretty much all religions were created by men over the centuries so they tend to benefit themselves and put women at a disadvantage. If you disagree with one of the rules that these men can just say ‘well it’s written in the holy book so it must be true’ and threaten you with hell etc to shut you down using fear.

Follow your heart and your gut as it will always guide you in the right direction. You can also follow your god without following the religion, if that makes sense. No god would punish someone for getting themselves to a place of safety and wanting to live an abuse-free life.

[KIP.]

Abusers brainwash us into believing utter nonsense. When I think back to how convinced he had me. Things like he had a ‘right to sex’. Utter rubbish. These men are pathological liars and are expert at it. Do not believe a word he has ever told you x no contact is the way forward. And counselling if you can find a good one 👍

[faithandlove]

Thanks everyone.
You’re all right and supportive thank you.
I’ll deal with the whole matried/not married thing when I come to it. Not rush just now. Priority is getting kids settled somewhere safe and figuring out who I am, because I’m not fully sure anynore, and what I beleive. That’s priority just now I think.
Thanks again everyone.

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